It is time to revisit my Intertwining Wheel of Contentment, represented, of course, by a Ferris Wheel. For me, this is the symbol containing all the aspects of life that interact and act upon my sense of contentment in life. Just as in life, the speed changes, the wind blows and shakes, and there is always Up, followed by Down.
There are six pieces required for contentment in My Life: Health, Security, Hygge (comfort/coziness), Creative Expression, Connection/Love, and Passé Temps (Recreation). I lost focus on these with my move to Chengdu, but to be honest, well before that time. My Four Weeks in Kham have restored my energy and renewed by dissipated motivation. I return to Chengdu tomorrow. I want to fulfill —and fill— my life with these aspects again. How can I do this? How WILL I do it? Because, I WILL! Health - I have hiked and walked 90 miles (145 km) in the last 25 days! I believe the high elevation hiking, combined with the return to a much lower elevation in Chengdu, will manifest as an increase in energy, stamina, and motivation! I am hoping this will make my return to running easy! I have to overcome my dislike of running on crowded, polluted, city streets—or just deal with it! Before I left on vaca, I purchased a mini-trampoline (remarketed as a “rebounder”), so that I could run indoors on shitty air days. With my sit-up ball, yoga mat, running shoes, and mini-tramp, I can lose this new shape my body has acquired! I also plan to find some mountains near Chengdu and hike on the weekends—and I have a friend interested in joining me for hikes who can keep me accountable! My other big challenge is this sweet-tooth of mine; somehow I totally lost that these past few weeks! But then again, my life was so full of sweet air, sweet mountain trails, and sweet people, that my craving for sweets was sated and I was full of the sweetness and joy of life! I had one piece of Dzachusama Hostels homemade chocolate cake (oh, to die for) but it took me days to want it, and then 2 more to even dig in to my to-go piece packed for Yushu. It’s weird... and wonderful! I have no desire for the sugary sweets; what I crave is Cha Soo Ma (Yak Butter Tea) and lots of Tibetan food like potato pie, spicy vegetables, and Then Thuk (handmade-noodle soup)! How will this translate to food in Chengdu? More cooking! More time with friends! More time in nature! The joy of living in sweetness! Security - Save more money while continuing to travel (and buy a motorcycle!) and live comfortably. Do my best at work. Allow love and romance! Make time for connection. Hygge - Hygge is the Danish word for a sense of comfort and coziness in surroundings. I will search for another apartment, or accept mine as it is. Within budgetary constraints and priorities of saving, travel, and motorcycles, I will create a Hygge atmosphere in my home—whether new or current— with decor and lighting. I will increase sensations of Hygge by spending more time in nature, in sunlight, and out-of-doors. I will purchase apparel that makes me feel good. Creative Expression - Besides reading and writing, I will make time for my other creative pastimes: playing chess, drawing, dancing, and singing. I definitely need more dancing in my life, as I have observed that the frequency which I spend dancing around my apartment is directly proportional to the level of happiness I feel in my life! When I am not dancing around “for no reason at all”, this means life is sucky. I will subscribe to a music service. Studying Mandarin—and now Tibetan— offers me a creative outlet as well. I will buy some bluetooth headphones to carry my tunes with me. I will open my journal more often, and actually write with a pen. I will sharpen my watercolor pencils for use in my journal, too. I will buy a (nice) chess set. I will ensure I can express myself creatively in the classroom, as well, even if I have to force the issue. Connection/Love - I will create more opportunities for connection by spending more time with friends and attending more events. I will Open the Door to Love, and let the Bouncer (my Intuition) keep out the Fuckwits. As Gandalf proclaimed: YOU SHALL NOT PASS [FUCKWITS]! I want and need more fun in my free time! I will fortify my connection with nature through weekend hikes, bringing nature into the classroom, and spending some time in nearby parks. I will try to renew my Daily Gratitude posts, at least by writing them down. I will practice meditation more frequently. I will frequent the Buddhist Temple that is between my house and school — I can stop there after school to refresh and renew and reset after school! Passé Temps - Les Bon Temps Roullez... Like “Letting the good times roll”, Passé Temps is French for “passing time”; i.e., in contemporary parlance: recreation. Also, how one passes the time with pastimes or hobbies. Doing what I love and loving what I do: hiking, climbing, cycling, running, SCUBA, spending time with friends, dancing, playing chess, studying, reading, riding my motorcycle, having a dog, writing, painting, drawing, learning, teaching, cooking, traveling, surfing, swimming, playing cello (to be learned!) ... I COMMIT to regular exercise 3-5x per week. I WILL start running again. I will buy a bike that fits well and is enjoyable to ride. I will practice asana and get back into my sit-up/push-up routine daily. When my strength is rebuilt, I will begin climbing again. I will do one thing I enjoy each day! My goal is to run 10mi/week once again. Then start cycling (weather, air pollution, and traffic permitting... not sure about cycling in Chengdu yet) and climbing. Running, yoga, SU/PU, and hiking are sure things, re: exercise. Will see what happens with the rest! Wo Nang Xing! I can do it!
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Thoughts that flowed freely when my mind was relaxed in Dartsendo, during Dragon Boat Festival. June 19, 2108
The expectations I have of myself are too high, sometimes unrealistic, definitely non-compassionate, and stem from cultural, familial, and societal “shoulds”. After all these years of inner work, I still struggle with a positive self-image—mainly physically. I like pretty much everything about myself and how my life has turned out, excluding my body and weight. This has always been a struggle. Even at my thinnest, strongest, and most athletic; when I am Spidey-ing up climbing walls and running 10 miles, hiking mountains and cycling 20 miles, I do not accept my physical self. When I think of all the years wasted and all the activities undone due to poor body-image—for decades; in fact, for the majority of my life— it saddens me and makes me angry. Sure, I wish I had saved more money and had more of a “nest egg” built up, but I’ve had an incredible life and I pursue my dreams and achieve my goals, so I have no true regret there. I wish to go back and undo that horribly toxic last relationship I was in, but I also grew from it, and had experiences that I might not have had, and here I am in, living in China. So while I still have angst and despise my decisions at that time, the regret has been slowly seeping away the last few years. That leaves me with only two regrets, if they are even regrets. (I regret an authentic feeling anyway? Or simply the resulting thought from an action. Hmm, have to do some deeper work on that question.) My brother and the affects of body-shaming and body-rejection on the past 3+ decades of my life. 1. Remember, I can bring the sacred home with me. I don’t have to be at a temple to have spirituality in my life. There is a temple down the road from me.
2. I need to be happy and grateful where I am and not always seeking something better or different. 3. I have to add exercise back into my life. I can start running again in the AM and alternating with yoga, walking at night. I WANT to be in better shape, and I CAN be. I CAN change my habits and my schedule. I am disciplined and motivated. I can find outdoor activities on the weekends... local parks, nearby mountains. I can walk everywhere. There are parks down the road from me. I can start dancing in the square. 4. I CAN stop worrying about what other’s think of my weight, my age, my dress, what I look like running, what I do on vacation, my fitness level... 5. I WILL start biking during lunch and taking the bus to/from school. It’s easier than stressing about Dudu, less expensive, and more exercise! I will feel better being outdoors and moving more! One of the aspects I loved (and miss) about working at #IntegrityAcademy was the monthly staff practice of NVC (Non-Violent Communication). Though not always perfect in practice, as a whole group and as individuals, we tried to practice active listening skills when we were in staff meetings, even raising our hands to take turns when the conversations turned lively and emotional. Although there were interruptions from time to time, most listened and absorbed and then responded. Our school rules were The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz, and I saw many staff actively practicing “Do not take anything personally”. I had a major conflict with another teacher pretty the entire two years I was there—someone unprofessional and toxic—and I had to tell myself over and over again not to take her actions and words personally, that she had her own issues and was taking them out on me. One off the downsides was not being protected by the former director from this toxicity. But the upside of practicing NVC and The Four Agreements outweighs that experience now, as I take my practice into a new environment where I am inspired to teach the staff at my new school a better, more effective, and definitely more compassionate way of communicating with each other. I hope they are open to it! And while not always perfect, I try to practice that in all of my relationships and communication interchanges. Sometimes it comes later, as I reflect how I was NOT listening and NOT practicing NVC, but, with awareness comes change. I am grateful for my close to two years of learning and growing at IA.
What if I'm not supposed to run, but rather face the situation head-on
Full frontal Full frontal assault Or full frontal nudity? Nude as in my heart is laid bare And I am completely vulnerable I feel completely vulnerable To attack And so I bow and bend and cower and cave To protect my fragile heart My soft Self It's easier to run, to set up new scenarios I don't exactly know why I am experiencing such struggles as I am. I am receiving repeated messages to be more mindful; tools and resources are presenting themselves at the right time with the message of "practice mindfulness". As I reflect on my spiritual journey and emotional evolution, I see a movement up, up, up. I recall evolution, grwoth, change, and action. Then I see the tumble down these past few years, when I have not had the resources and resilience to utilize all I have learned the past decade.
Why? All the while, I am trying. I am trying to be compassionate to myself and this process. But I struggle with the pain that all this has brought onto me. I wonder if this is "a new page"; the pithy "fork" that I must take to awaken new awareness. I am hoping it its. I am starting to believe it is. There are aspects that I see that have changed; there are aspects I see that have made me uncomfortable that still need work. Will I learn what I need to of myself and become more self-aware, to prevent such a decline in the future? Tao tells me all is up and down and cyclical and highs are inevitably followed by lows and vice versa. Will I grow and advance to see the downs coming, so that I can better prepare and prevent or lessen the screaming downward fall. Will I learn acceptance? Will I return to the practices that made me strong and resilient? Will they improve and grow disciplined so that they are an immovable piece of my daily routine? Will I overcome this current struggle or will it best me? We will see, won't we. In the meantime, I will learn and relearn. I will reform positive habits and let go of the ones that drag me down. I will learn again to be mindful and move through life with purpose and awareness, instead of just surviving. People have always labeled me as strong and resilient-- both physically and emotionally. I have been wondering recently why I have been treated differently--and judged harshly as opposed to receiving compassion--than another, though we are in a similar scenario. This other person has received support, love, compassion, and help. I have been on the receiving end of harshly judgemental comments, anger, and criticism. When I queried a friend, I was told that I hide what I'm going through more than the other person, who has openly displayed their fall into despair. I disagreed with this in I had very directly stated what I was experiencing and how it was affecting me on a couple of occasions. But perhaps my responses to this stressor were vastly different and came from an aspect of power, so that my situation was not deemed as needing help or compassion. I don't know. And I don't know that I will ask to learn the answer.
Perhaps it is because I don't have an aura of helplessness, but rather, capability; maybe I emote strength even in despair...? I've also been very angry, and anger is a very powerful motive force. Was my anger translated as strength. But they didn't know I went to bed crying almost every night for months, experiencing anxiety attacks, and spiraling down into a depression because of all I was dealing with. Perhaps the people offering help weren't clear with the offer. Perhaps I had such strong self-defense and self-preservation mechanisms in place, they didn't feel that I was approachable (I think this could be quite accurate, as I tend to close up when I feel endangered and protect myself with a psychic "Do Not Enter" energetic field.). I don't know, but I am left with a feeling of sadness and rejection; it doesn't seem fair that another person gets offers of help and support and I don't. Right or wrong, that's my feeling. I need justice, compassion, support, and connection, too! I get labeled mentally unstable, and they get to work half days. I am absolutely not criticizing the other person who has received support and compassion. Nor am I criticizing those who offered it. I am trying to gain clarity on the situation and see what I could have done to get the support and compassion I needed the last 4 months. I am assessing my behavior to see what I could have done differently: how could I have acted, what could I have said or done differently, etc.? I guess part of it is that I have been self-sufficient all my life, feeling like I had no support, and so concluding that I had to suffer alone and in silence and support myself. I also know there are issues of trust, disempowerment, and my voice not being heard, to consider in all of this. I think I am stronger than most people, and I don't really mean to compare and I certainly don't look at it as something that makes me better or gives me status. I've faced a lot in my short life, and it started when I was very young, so I have a lot of practice in taking care of myself and doing it alone. I've built up my Survival Muscle so much, that even when I flail about on the ground, weak and stricken, I find reserves of strength to get back up. I'm grateful for that strength, but it also separates me from others for a variety of reasons, whether it is based on fear and needing protection, or just seeming to others like I'm "okay". I'll conclude with one observation. All of the struggles, pain, and suffering I've been surviving since 2014 is serving to teach me a whole, whole lot... like a life's worth of lessons. I don't like it, it sucks, it's hard as hell, but it's doing me good and I'm evolving. And evolution is truly what I wish for in my life: self-awareness, self-evolution, and allowing my Highest Self to emerge. Peace out. It takes a lot of courage to be your true self in this world. It takes an immense amount strength to let others see the struggles you suffer, the challenges you face, and the fear that vibrates your entire being. In this culture we are taught to hide all weakness and keep it private. We are told to be ashamed of our fear and suffering—that it is our own fault, is borne from lack of strength or ability, and should be dealt with privately. All of that is reinforced when you receive a pat on the back when you need to be heard, or a superficial reply when you have exposed your heart, or worse, criticized and judged. To amplify: the judgment and criticism for daring to be authentic, daring to upset the status quo by not being happy all the time; by showing that you, too, suffer rough times. That you are human.
I think it takes the strongest of people to step outside the crowd and move alone into the spotlight and bear witness to your own fear, failings, sufferings, and pain. Well, I am one of those strong people. I think it is important to share my struggles and my ups and downs because so many others suffer the same, and consequently will see that they are not alone. You see, the past few years I have felt alone a lot; often I believe I have no one to help me through hard times. And in truth, it is frequently accurate. I am here on my own, supporting myself physically, financially, spiritually, and emotionally. I don’t always have family support I need, and friends have their own turmoil to deal with. Throughout my life, I have frequently been my only support system. Therefore, I have learned to be strong and give myself the love I need. I have learned to face my fear and do it anyway. I am afraid all the time, but I just keep moving forward. “Empathy seeking is driven by the need to know that we are not alone. We need to know that other people have experienced similar feelings and that our experiences don't keep us from being accepted and affirmed. Empathy helps us move away from shame toward resilience.” - Brene Brown Not only do I share my ride on the emotional rollercoaster so that others know they are not alone in their struggle, I share so that I can feel the same: that I am not the only human that suffers and struggles. I also share my pain so that I don’t implode and allow the pain to—quite literally—destroy me. I need your empathy, not your judgements. I am afraid of how (some of) you judge me for being weak— for not applying all the wisdom lessons I have learned (meditation, yoga, exercise, positive psychology, spiritual teachings). I fear that I am a huge disappointment to my coworkers and even my friends; for not being better, stronger, more positive, fulfilling my potential… I am afraid that all of you criticize me behind my back for being negative instead of being positive. And I know my fears are realistic: I know (some of) you judge me and criticize me, whether to my face or behind my back. But you know what? That’s YOUR problem. If I am depressed and I share it and this fact bothers you, then you should figure out what to do with that discomfort and not attempt to alter me to make yourself feel better. If I am happy one day, and full of anger the next, and you can’t handle my mood swings, then you should stay away from me. If you can’t handle the depth of my grief over recent trauma, illness, and nearly losing my Dad, then keep your distance. I have had so many bad things happen to me in the short span of two years it is a wonder I survived being punched in the face by Life repeatedly and without end for two years straight! I refuse to hide who I am and try to be perfect for any of you. I have had many ups and downs in life, and recently, it’s been a lot of downs. Should I pretend that I am happy for you? Would you rather me hide all of my pain and sadness and fear because it is inconvenient for you to see my anguish? Do you judge a child who has fallen down and is crying over a bloodied knee? Well, I have fallen down and my heart is bleeding. Will you not extend me the same care as you extend any injured person. If not, then not only should you keep your distance, but I don’t want someone who lacks empathy in my life in the first place. I am not angry. I am sad to be so judged. I have had years of healing and growth and self-development and wisdom. I have spent my life —my entire life— trying to be better, improve…which grew into self-development and self-knowledge. I have lived a public life in the public eye, and many have watched me rise to the top and then plummet. I used to be ashamed of my failures, because (some of) you and society told me I should feel shame. I have since realized that there are so many other people out there who experience the same struggle, failure, shame, depression, and other ups and downs. I also know, that through my teaching and sharing of the very knowledge I have learned during my life, that many have benefited. While you may not like the darkness I live in right now, at the end of that journey I will be the bright light of my Self again. And when I am bright, I draw many to me. If you are unwilling to be with me through the darkness, I certainly won’t allow you to join me in the wonderful brilliance of the Light I Am. If you can’t support me when I fail, don’t expect to be here when I succeed. With finality, please keep your judgements and criticisms of my behavior and my expression of my authentic feelings and Self to yourself. If you don’t like the darkness I am in—well, I never invited you to join me here in the first place. It’s my darkness, and when I have learned what I need to learn from it, the darkness will end. If you are truly concerned about my well-being, then don’t critique my rants, offer me a hug. If you are my friend, then be one, and don’t judge my path to self-awareness. Don’t you know I am doing the best I can? If I am in a dark hole, offer me a hand. Don’t criticize me for falling in the damn hole. Because I feel judged and I feel attacked, rather than being understood and supported, my need is to defend myself. I am going to acknowledge both my feelings and needs in this reminder to you: May 2017: my Dad almost died 2016-17: repeated health challenges that affect my energy and anxiety levels, first year at a new school 2015-16: return to Austin from Korea, can’t get full-time employment to support myself which causes financial ruin from being unemployed for longer than one year, can’t finish my graduate program. 2015: escape a very traumatic/abusive relationship while unemployed, rip my meniscus which affects my ability to exercise and sleep, plus I’m in constant, 24-hour pain for over one year, can’t cycle, can’t run. 2014: while living in Korea I undergo two major surgeries, get told in Korean I might have cancer, and almost die of anaphylactic shock while in the ER being treated for nerve damage from cycling. I lose the use of my left arm for over 2 months. Like I said, Life has punched me in the face repeatedly over the past few years, and it is due to my strength and certain friends that I am still standing! I have survived several major traumas (and resulting PTSD because of them) each year for the past four years! I will continue being open and honest with my feelings, my challenges, my failures, my struggles…because someone else will recognize that they are not alone, and it will help them. That is me being of service. Who are you to tell me to hide my Self and be small and fit in your comfortable square hole because my language, my actions, and my emotions are too much for you? No box will hold me and no shape can conform to me. I will certainly not reform myself to your shape and your box. I am honest. I am authentic. And I am one of the most courageous people on this blue earth because I’m facing the darkness inside of me and not trying to hide it and lie to everyone. It’s your turn to be honest and authentic and courageous and face your own judgments and fix yourself before trying to change me. If I need fixing or changing, when the time comes, I will recognize it and change myself. If part of my journey toward self-actualization is this dark path, who are you to tell me to veer off course? I am human. I am doing the best I can with what I know in the moment. Just like you. I can no longer run away. I can no longer use anger to mobilize myself. I can no longer hide.
What do you do when all of your defense mechanisms are of no use? I don't have the energy to run away. Anger no longer approaches me and offers itself as a weapon. There is no numbing agent that offers efficacy. I am an expert at running. I learned that in first grade the first time I ran away from home from one divorced parent, trying to find the other. I got spanked and chastised as a result, yet, I learned I was good at running away and did it frequently throughout childhood and adulthood. Somewhere in my 40s I learned it doesn't serve me or help me. Now, I just don't know where to run, how to run, or if it would even do any damn good to make a geographic escape. Anger served me well for two solid decades. Boy, could I get pissed off and then run for 10 miles. Damn, I was so good at being angry. And I was a great runner too! Not running away, just running. All I needed was to be angry and then I felt no other emotion than the desire to act. And I always did. I was so good at accomplishing and changing things--whether it was circumstances, jobs, people. I was a mobilizer and effector. I was The Motor That Changed The World. Now. I have none of my dependable mechanisms, and so I just sit and cry and can do nothing. I find it easier to not act. Yet I don't find that Tao, I find it weak, ineffectual... powerless. The crying makes me physically weak; I can't even eat. Drinking is no solution as I can't get numb enough. I have no solution. I have no defense mechanism to save me. I don''t know what to do with all this. But it's unbearable and something has to be done. I keep receiving reassurances that what I'm going through is "normal" and that "it will pass". But when you feel like all the life and energy has been sucked out of you and there's nothing left, not even...
I keep looking for an intellectual or spiritual solution, when in fact, the origin is physical. I seem to think that fighting this with greater self-awareness and more meditation is the solution, instead of accepting this very physical process. I keep clinging to the person I "was", instead of remaining present with who "I am", now. I grip strongly to the identity I created for I am so fearful of losing that person--to be replaced by this current self that I dislike so very much. In seeking to change, in fighting acceptance, I am simply paving a path of self-incrimination and self-blame that I have done or am doing something "wrong" and what results from this "wrong action" is the current life I live. Click "Read More" to the right |
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