What if I'm not supposed to run, but rather face the situation head-on
Full frontal Full frontal assault Or full frontal nudity? Nude as in my heart is laid bare And I am completely vulnerable I feel completely vulnerable To attack And so I bow and bend and cower and cave To protect my fragile heart My soft Self It's easier to run, to set up new scenarios
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I don't exactly know why I am experiencing such struggles as I am. I am receiving repeated messages to be more mindful; tools and resources are presenting themselves at the right time with the message of "practice mindfulness". As I reflect on my spiritual journey and emotional evolution, I see a movement up, up, up. I recall evolution, grwoth, change, and action. Then I see the tumble down these past few years, when I have not had the resources and resilience to utilize all I have learned the past decade.
Why? All the while, I am trying. I am trying to be compassionate to myself and this process. But I struggle with the pain that all this has brought onto me. I wonder if this is "a new page"; the pithy "fork" that I must take to awaken new awareness. I am hoping it its. I am starting to believe it is. There are aspects that I see that have changed; there are aspects I see that have made me uncomfortable that still need work. Will I learn what I need to of myself and become more self-aware, to prevent such a decline in the future? Tao tells me all is up and down and cyclical and highs are inevitably followed by lows and vice versa. Will I grow and advance to see the downs coming, so that I can better prepare and prevent or lessen the screaming downward fall. Will I learn acceptance? Will I return to the practices that made me strong and resilient? Will they improve and grow disciplined so that they are an immovable piece of my daily routine? Will I overcome this current struggle or will it best me? We will see, won't we. In the meantime, I will learn and relearn. I will reform positive habits and let go of the ones that drag me down. I will learn again to be mindful and move through life with purpose and awareness, instead of just surviving. People have always labeled me as strong and resilient-- both physically and emotionally. I have been wondering recently why I have been treated differently--and judged harshly as opposed to receiving compassion--than another, though we are in a similar scenario. This other person has received support, love, compassion, and help. I have been on the receiving end of harshly judgemental comments, anger, and criticism. When I queried a friend, I was told that I hide what I'm going through more than the other person, who has openly displayed their fall into despair. I disagreed with this in I had very directly stated what I was experiencing and how it was affecting me on a couple of occasions. But perhaps my responses to this stressor were vastly different and came from an aspect of power, so that my situation was not deemed as needing help or compassion. I don't know. And I don't know that I will ask to learn the answer.
Perhaps it is because I don't have an aura of helplessness, but rather, capability; maybe I emote strength even in despair...? I've also been very angry, and anger is a very powerful motive force. Was my anger translated as strength. But they didn't know I went to bed crying almost every night for months, experiencing anxiety attacks, and spiraling down into a depression because of all I was dealing with. Perhaps the people offering help weren't clear with the offer. Perhaps I had such strong self-defense and self-preservation mechanisms in place, they didn't feel that I was approachable (I think this could be quite accurate, as I tend to close up when I feel endangered and protect myself with a psychic "Do Not Enter" energetic field.). I don't know, but I am left with a feeling of sadness and rejection; it doesn't seem fair that another person gets offers of help and support and I don't. Right or wrong, that's my feeling. I need justice, compassion, support, and connection, too! I get labeled mentally unstable, and they get to work half days. I am absolutely not criticizing the other person who has received support and compassion. Nor am I criticizing those who offered it. I am trying to gain clarity on the situation and see what I could have done to get the support and compassion I needed the last 4 months. I am assessing my behavior to see what I could have done differently: how could I have acted, what could I have said or done differently, etc.? I guess part of it is that I have been self-sufficient all my life, feeling like I had no support, and so concluding that I had to suffer alone and in silence and support myself. I also know there are issues of trust, disempowerment, and my voice not being heard, to consider in all of this. I think I am stronger than most people, and I don't really mean to compare and I certainly don't look at it as something that makes me better or gives me status. I've faced a lot in my short life, and it started when I was very young, so I have a lot of practice in taking care of myself and doing it alone. I've built up my Survival Muscle so much, that even when I flail about on the ground, weak and stricken, I find reserves of strength to get back up. I'm grateful for that strength, but it also separates me from others for a variety of reasons, whether it is based on fear and needing protection, or just seeming to others like I'm "okay". I'll conclude with one observation. All of the struggles, pain, and suffering I've been surviving since 2014 is serving to teach me a whole, whole lot... like a life's worth of lessons. I don't like it, it sucks, it's hard as hell, but it's doing me good and I'm evolving. And evolution is truly what I wish for in my life: self-awareness, self-evolution, and allowing my Highest Self to emerge. Peace out. |
_iGallivant......Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes Archives
August 2021
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