Thoughts that flowed freely when my mind was relaxed in Dartsendo, during Dragon Boat Festival. June 19, 2108
The expectations I have of myself are too high, sometimes unrealistic, definitely non-compassionate, and stem from cultural, familial, and societal “shoulds”. After all these years of inner work, I still struggle with a positive self-image—mainly physically. I like pretty much everything about myself and how my life has turned out, excluding my body and weight. This has always been a struggle. Even at my thinnest, strongest, and most athletic; when I am Spidey-ing up climbing walls and running 10 miles, hiking mountains and cycling 20 miles, I do not accept my physical self. When I think of all the years wasted and all the activities undone due to poor body-image—for decades; in fact, for the majority of my life— it saddens me and makes me angry. Sure, I wish I had saved more money and had more of a “nest egg” built up, but I’ve had an incredible life and I pursue my dreams and achieve my goals, so I have no true regret there. I wish to go back and undo that horribly toxic last relationship I was in, but I also grew from it, and had experiences that I might not have had, and here I am in, living in China. So while I still have angst and despise my decisions at that time, the regret has been slowly seeping away the last few years. That leaves me with only two regrets, if they are even regrets. (I regret an authentic feeling anyway? Or simply the resulting thought from an action. Hmm, have to do some deeper work on that question.) My brother and the affects of body-shaming and body-rejection on the past 3+ decades of my life.
...Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes