I am having the hardest time figuring this one out. I don't have anyone to talk to about it, so it is hard to be objective and give myself the advice I need on how to proceed.
Am I setting boundaries or am I fearful because of the last relationship? This guy is saying all the right things, and he is really nice, and professing love... but it's awfully fast and he's also pushy. Or is he? He is expressing his care and concern, but I am also feeling pushed and pressured. Maybe it's that I am not used to someone treating me in a really loving manner... maybe it's that the last guy also said "all the right things" and turned out to be a liar and misrepresent himself emotionally. Are these warning bells, or fear? My emotional resilience is low right now and I am already stressed from the job hunt and school BS. I don't know whether to trust him or not. There are also cultural differences to consider. I don't know, I just don't know! Are the differences that I see and the warning bells coming from my intuition or fear. And what do I fear?
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Why do sudden fits of awareness occur upon awakening? I was lying peacefully after snoozing my alarm, waiting for my mind to drift back asleep - in snooze-mode for that extra 8 minutes - when, Poof, Epiphany! Somehow, in that few seconds upon awakening, my mind processed "loneliness" and "relationships" and "the rest of my life" and "seeking" and, finally, "The Now". So much for going back to sleep, my mind was on a rampage to awaken me, in both the physical sense as well as the spiritual. Within 5 seconds I went from a panoramic perspective of my past 4 relationships: their timing, their ending, to the in-between space of being by myself (aka: single), to feeling that familiar and terrible onus of the loneliness of desire for touch and companionship. Silently, I hollered, "WHY??!!". "Why" and "how" could I possibly feel this loneliness and desire for companionship when I only just ended a horrifically traumatic relationship a few weeks back? (Well, I was lonely and lacked loving companionship in that relationship, so there's one answer. But...) At this point, I was awake, although begrudgingly! And terror came on me full tilt, as I began to wonder if I would be seeking for the rest of my life. What if I never find a life companion? What if I wake up every day with no one holding me? What if there is no one to hug in awkward moments of need or abandon or joy? These thoughts gripped me in my room still dark, eyelids too fearful to open. What will life be when I am old and alone?
Suddenly, and with relief, sanity entered my bedroom and my heart, as if it was a physical presence. I relaxed and let go of my irrational fear of 40 years from now. I realized that I was, once again, living in the future, of which I cannot foresee and have little control over! My epiphany was to stay grounded in The Now, and be fully engaged in The Present Moment, for there, I am not alone, or lonely, or seeking, or lacking! In The Present Moment, everything, Every Thing is always okay! In the Present Moment, I sit here typing and drinking a deliciously steamy cup of chai tea and tap-a-tap-tap on my keyboard. Why be worrisome of the future and miss out on The Now. Why worry about being lonely when I'm not lonely now! Why think of a future of seeking when there is nothing to seek, Now? Yes, the answers come at odd times, and 5AM isn't my favorite, but it's better than Never. And now, it's time for that second cup of chai. Yum! "Once you realize that everything you've ever been through - every scuffed knee, lost deal, and broken heart - will eventually play wildly in your favor, it's kind of hard to complain." ~The Universe I need to remember this! I had forgotten! I learned a few years back (finally) that I recover from any fall, whether it's a rock wall or a broken heart, and that everything in my life always works out for good, and for better, actually. I've lost sight of that the past few months. I'm trying to gain back my positive perspective. The last few years have kind of worn me down in terms of being able to be positive and look forward. I've been in a temporary-perpetual state of financial desperation and had finally got out of that in Korea, only to dig myself the hole again since returning to ATX. Now I'm going to try diggin' out again. What I want more than anything is to feel prosperous and grateful and happy and positive, even amidst troubles and upset. I used to be able to do that. I feel like I need to find a purpose again. I feel like I'm just drifting. Even though I'm in school and about to start work, I feel like it's all mechanical, like I don't have anything I really relish or look forward to. I'm enjoying Bikram and time with friends of course, but I don't have any interest that I'm pursuing. I don't feel vital. Does this make sense? I don't have a bike to ride, so I can't do that which I love. I can't rock climb right now. I'm just drifting along in school and life. It's insipid. I'm not complaining (really), I'm just observing. I feel like I'm just surviving until I can make things better. But I want to feel better about life now, because that's how more "better" comes along. I've gotten into some detrimental habits, or rather, I've neglected some of my beneficial habits, and gotten into some bad habits. I've been in a funk. Of course, it's winter and rainy and dreary and effing cold and I have no transportation, so the funk follows :-) Maybe I'm too forward looking. But I'm acknowledging this. I know I need to be more present and happy in the NOW. That's what I'm saying. I do have a lot to be grateful for, and I am. I know I need to manage my time better, get out of the house, and exercise regularly, get back into my positive frame of mind by doing what has worked in the past and still does, being grateful, reading inspirational books and focusing my mind. Awareness. I'm just saying I recognize a pattern and I want to change it. |
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