Perception of Strength vs. Reality

People have always labeled me as strong and resilient-- both physically and emotionally. I have been wondering recently why I have been treated differently--and judged harshly as opposed to receiving compassion--than another, though we are in a similar scenario. This other person has received support, love, compassion, and help. I have been on the receiving end of harshly judgemental comments, anger, and criticism. When I queried a friend, I was told that I hide what I'm going through more than the other person, who has openly displayed their fall into despair. I disagreed with this in I had very directly stated what I was experiencing and how it was affecting me on a couple of occasions. But perhaps my responses to this stressor were vastly different and came from an aspect of power, so that my situation was not deemed as needing help or compassion. I don't know. And I don't know that I will ask to learn the answer.

Perhaps it is because I don't have an aura of helplessness, but rather, capability; maybe I emote strength even in despair...? I've also been very angry, and anger is a very powerful motive force. Was my anger translated as strength. But they didn't know I went to bed crying almost every night for months, experiencing anxiety attacks, and spiraling down into a depression because of all I was dealing with. Perhaps the people offering help weren't clear with the offer. Perhaps I had such strong self-defense and self-preservation mechanisms in place, they didn't feel that I was approachable (I think this could be quite accurate, as I tend to close up when I feel endangered and protect myself with a psychic "Do Not Enter" energetic field.). I don't know, but I am left with a feeling of sadness and rejection; it doesn't seem fair that another person gets offers of help and support and I don't. Right or wrong, that's my feeling. I need justice, compassion, support, and connection, too! I get labeled mentally unstable, and they get to work half days.

I am absolutely not criticizing the other person who has received support and compassion. Nor am I criticizing those who offered it. I am trying to gain clarity on the situation and see what I could have done to get the support and compassion I needed the last 4 months. I am assessing my behavior to see what I could have done differently: how could I have acted, what could I have said or done differently, etc.? I guess part of it is that I have been self-sufficient all my life, feeling like I had no support, and so concluding that I had to suffer alone and in silence and support myself. I also know there are issues of trust, disempowerment, and my voice not being heard, to consider in all of this.

I think I am stronger than most people, and I don't really mean to compare and I certainly don't look at it as something that makes me better or gives me status. I've faced a lot in my short life, and it started when I was very young, so I have a lot of practice in taking care of myself and doing it alone. I've built up my Survival Muscle so much, that even when I flail about on the ground, weak and stricken, I find reserves of strength to get back up. I'm grateful for that strength, but it also separates me from others for a variety of reasons, whether it is based on fear and needing protection, or just seeming to others like I'm "okay".

I'll conclude with one observation. All of the struggles, pain, and suffering I've been surviving since 2014 is serving to teach me a whole, whole lot... like a life's worth of lessons. I don't like it, it sucks, it's hard as hell, but it's doing me good and I'm evolving. And evolution is truly what I wish for in my life: self-awareness, self-evolution, and allowing my Highest Self to emerge.

Peace out.