Epic News coming down the pipeline! I decided not to take the job in Guiyang--too many red flags and my intuition keeps nudging me that the school is the wrong fit. When I decided that I would not accept the job afte rall, I felt a crashing wave of relief roll through my body! That specific feeling let me know the decision was the right one, plus, the immense feeling of freedom I am currently experiencing is thrilling! I feel happy ... that's been a long time comin'! I haven't felt happy or peaceful since I left india, and before that, it was my summer in Kham where I felt those emotions! I wasn't "happy" when I accepted the job; I was just relieved that I didn't have to continue the job hunt, which was sucking up so much energy and time that I started feeling burnt -- so much wasted time with recruiters and interviews with jobs that were not a good fit. I've never turned down so many jobs before!!! I learned a lot from this last round of interviews and the process as a whole, so I hope in the fall, it will be easier! What's next? I am humorously designating my sabbatical "Gina's Gap Year"! I love it! At first, it was my "Serendipitous Sabbatical", which also has a nice ring, but then I watched some Coming-of-Age RomCom and Gap Year stuck! What should I do? Where should I go? How will I support myself? Will I stay in China? All of these questions flickered through my head since I made this decision on Tuesday! (And I am sure ya'll are freaking out! by now!!) Well, I have let the creative juices fuel this sense of freedom, and I have realized that my Goddess Serendip has opened the double French Doors of Possibilities and Opportunities ... ... I can fulfill my dreams now! The more I considered the timing and options, the greater my realization that I now have the time to write and dedicate myself to creating published works from which I can sustain myself financially! Or start a business in China! Or start my Master's! From each novel idea proceeded another! Cartwheeling through the French Doors of Possibilities and Opportunities, I discovered more options: a chocolate mousse cake labeled "Eat Me", and a small bottle of soju with a "Drink Me" tag attached. I took the shot and ate the cake and went through the next door. Then, a thin Larry Fishburne appeared, offering me a choice of two pills as he whispered, "After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." Not surprisingly, I talked him into giving me both, and several more doors opened to the National Ginagraphic Multiverse! Hmmmmmmm... so many opportunities! Helltotheyes! Which ever direction I walk, I will carry my writing journal and dedicate myself to that pursuit. I've told my closest friends, and received so much support, reaffirming what I already know: best decision had been made! Done and done! My main goals are to write and recuperate/rejuvenate from a rough year in a nature-soaked setting of mountains or oceanfront. I will spend 1-6 months working part-time to keep my savings intact while writing -- on a beach or in the mountains, but most likely in the mountains if I am able. I will consider self-employment opportunities that can turn into a long-term business, as well as continuing my education. I will also get my brand going by adding a podcast to my blog. Blog, book, podcast... how can I not succeed! (Note: Since I started this post two days ago, new options and ideas have been presented, with some change to the original plan, although writing and recuperating are definitely leading the way!) Queen Latifah's "Book of Possibilities"*:
Biz Ideas: Tutoring Teach online Start a school Open a BnB Open a cafe Patreon - volunteer teacher and community help in Nepal or Kham (details later) Podcast + Patreon (details later) Utilize and build guanxi (Ch. for networking and connections) Priorities
Don't underestimate me ... I always achieve my goals! *What!!?? You didn't see Last Holiday with the Queen and LL Cool J? You crazy? Go. Watch it. Now.
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I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately (not that this is different from any other day in my life) about how miserable I am at work ... I hate my job ... ultimately, it is my thoughts about the job -- no matter how much it sucks -- that make me miserable, not the job ... how can I change MY THOUGHTS!!? How can I step out of my misery, accept reality, but work on changing it? How can I live in a miserable situation without it touching me? I've been concerned about the big move coming up: finding an apartment, hiring movers, packing, logistics of coordinating new job with quitting old job with moving to another city with departing for vacation, preparing for long trek, starting new job, etc. ... ad nauseum. Then Mooji's quote popped up: Life Takes Care of Life. I remembered the crux of these words and decided that it would all work out okay, and I could worry less -- do what I can, but worry less. I felt better. I've also been wondering how I can escape the trap of working for others to pursue my deeper dream of writing and hiking and living in the mountains (although I love teaching and still want to teach) ... I've felt ambivalence the entire time I have negotiated this new job, knowing it wasn't really the right fit, but accepting the negatives because I thought the one big positive (leadership position) would balance it out ... and then the Universe shifted and made the decision for me! Now EVERYTHING has changed, and my future is a new unknown and I feel... ... relieved! More news will follow when I know more myself, but let's just say that the dreams I have had in the past have a chance of being realized, and the break I need from the breakdown of this past year may come to pass! (I am burnt the f** out!!) I've dreamt of spending a month -- or a year -- at Yogaville. I've dreamt of spending months hiking and trekking and writing. I've dreamt of becoming and being self-sufficient through writing or running my own business. I've dreamt dreams, and now I am waking up. I am awakening to the reality of living them! You either aren't listening, or you don't get it and we are incompatible. I gave you three chances, and you've blown it. I just don't feel emotionally safe with you, but I do feel manipulated and pressured and pushed. So now, it ends.
I don't care how old I am, or how emotionally mature, or how free, if I want to wait to have sex, you have to respect that. It's my body: I say Who, I say When, I say How. You pressured me about that, and even tried to make me feel bad. I gave you another chance because alcohol was involved. I forgave and moved on because you seemed sincere in your apologies--yet I had it in memory in case it was a warning sign. It was definitely a warning sign of what was to come! I was sick one weekend and not in touch, although I made it clear that I was ill, needed to rest, and needed downtime and space. Yet you kept texting me about how "worried" you were and "wanted to hear [my] voice"... Dude, I had a freakin' upset stomach, and it was two days ... couldn't you just have respected my needs? Respect my boundaries and limits! It's one thing to care and express care--it's another to stalk someone when they are simply sick. When I finally called you because I was sick of the texts and I knew you wouldn't leave me alone and I had actually started to feel guilty --even though it was YOU who would not honor my boundaries or give me time to rest and recuperate--you spent 20 minutes whining about how we hadn't talked and you felt disconnected and needed to hear my voice and couldn't enjoy your weekend because you were so worried about me. In essence, it was all about YOU! YOU had a bad weekend because I was sick, and then put that off on me as my responsibility. And I fell for it although I could sense being manipulated into feeling guilty for needing time to myself to rest and recover after having spent the last two months go-go-going non-stop with job hunting and work. In fact, this incident reminded me of how you are always pressuring me to spend more time together; albeit in subtle ways that make me feel bad, rather than making me want to see you. I noticed I started feeling obligated to spend more time with you, rather than WANTING to be with you. Hmmm... this situation was quickly becoming more obviously effed up. That was the Second Incident, and it left me with a huge sense of WRONGNESS and dislike. This was the point where I stopped wanting to be around you at all. In fact, I was overcome by a sense of dread when I thought of seeing you. I knew deep, deep down, your behavior was not healthy. Although I tried to focus on all your good qualities --and you do have many --I could no longer overcome the sense of foreboding and the clanging warning bells and lights going off deep within my Center for Intuition Related to Dysfunctional Relationships. Alarms were ringing at DEFCON 4! These two incidents, added to comments you made about previous relationships, caused lights to flash brightly on The Billboard of Incompatibility, glaring more brightly in the night than the Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing Missouri. I put it off for as long as possible. I avoided the need for a break-up for as long as possible--although we have been seeing each other less than 6 weeks. Then I knew I could no longer avoid it and we met for dinner. I tried to explain that I felt pushed and pressured, but instead of validating my feelings you argued that no you weren't "pushing" me, you are just very open with you feelings and sharing them... Then went on a 10-minute soliloquy about yourself and your upbringing and how you are very "open" emotionally and how most poeple take a lot of time to get to know one another but you know quickly if there's a connection and aren't afraid to act on it...blah...blah...blah...(not the first time I have listened to you talk about yourself non-stop for more than 5 minutes without even a moment's break for me to grunt in agreement). Did you listen to what I said? Nope. You just turned it around and made it about you. That was your third and final chance. After dinner, I once again felt pushed and pressured and manipulated. I felt the opposite of "good" about this so-called relationship, and the sense of dread increased. I don't feel emotionally safe with you: you are NOT going to validate my needs or feelings; this is quite clear! These are tell-tale signs about a future relationship with you, and that's not the kind of relationship I want-- where my feelings and thoughts are diminished by YOUR wants. Relationships are about TWO people, not one. Now I am Back to One, and I feel sooooo relieved to be free of the pressure you put on me! Cheers to healthy relationships where both can feel emotionally safe and significant. Thank you Life, for the lesson. Thank you Self, for heeding warning bells quickly and avoiding another emotional disaster! I am having the hardest time figuring this one out. I don't have anyone to talk to about it, so it is hard to be objective and give myself the advice I need on how to proceed.
Am I setting boundaries or am I fearful because of the last relationship? This guy is saying all the right things, and he is really nice, and professing love... but it's awfully fast and he's also pushy. Or is he? He is expressing his care and concern, but I am also feeling pushed and pressured. Maybe it's that I am not used to someone treating me in a really loving manner... maybe it's that the last guy also said "all the right things" and turned out to be a liar and misrepresent himself emotionally. Are these warning bells, or fear? My emotional resilience is low right now and I am already stressed from the job hunt and school BS. I don't know whether to trust him or not. There are also cultural differences to consider. I don't know, I just don't know! Are the differences that I see and the warning bells coming from my intuition or fear. And what do I fear? How lucky am I to be in Rishikesh when Mooji has arrived during the last 4 days of my stay, to offer Satsang and a local ashram! Even the first day was crowded with over 1000 people!
I am certainly moved by his presence--it is indescribable to be in the presence of a living saint, a living swami. The last time I received this blessing was in 2009-ish, at Yogaville, when Swami Marudachulam came to offer a special weekend program. The feelings were intense then, and they are equally intense now, even as we sat far away from the front, with the best view on a giant screen above us. My schedule for my last 4 days in Rishikesh has now been upended, as I have decided that attending Satsang takes priority over everything else: pancha karma, yoga classes, meditation classes. Funny that I feel stressed trying to figure out how to get some yoga and pranayama in while arising early enough to arrive for the long lines that offer the first greeting at the ashram, which is about 5 km away from where I am staying in Tapovan. Beyond all of that, is the thinking and life-analysis that his words inspire within, as I reach into recesses I have pushed aside for the past few years. Change is coming; it has to come, now.
It's time for me to fly! One of the reasons I wanted to visit a yoga ashram, beside all the obvious ones, was to gain clarity. I knew that during this time away from work and stress and pollution and malaise, that I would find the answer within myself of whether to stay at my job or not, and whether to stay in Chengdu or not.
It's time to go. It's time to leave this soul-sucking black-hole of a job. The loyal part of me that maintains integrity, demands that I suck it up and stick it out until my contract ends in July. But the thought of spending any more time in that classroom makes me depressed beyond words--just the thought of walking back into that classroom on Feb. 18 makes my heart beat fast and my stress level rise and my desire flail for help. It truly is a terrible job: none of my skills are utilized, we are completely unsupported in the classroom, I was sold all gloss and no substance, it's not truly an international school, it doesn't even measure up as a proper IB school, my co-teacher is awful to work alongside (my other teacher quit this month, if that says anything), and there is not true collaboration or partnership either with my co-teacher or the school leadership. They do not follow through or support any progressive education models such as positive behavior support or conflict resolution. There is no encouragement or support to teach basic life skills, critical thinking, or problem solving... and they totally crush stsudents' creativity. I am basically a highly paid ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher, one who detests teaching ESL! I am bored out of my mind, uninspired, and shackled. I was fed great exaggerations, and after a year of "sucking it up", I am ready to throw up and become anorexic! What I do is NOT teaching! Beyond how much I truly HATE this job, I've concluded that I need to get out of Chengdu. I really don't like it there--I'm simply existing and surviving. I am not thriving at all. How can I thrive in pollution? How can I thrive under grey skies? And most importantly, not having any access to nature is KILLING ME! A walk to the urban park does not suffice. The pathetic handful of trees at school (circumscribing fake grass!) does not enable me to pretend I'm somewhere green. I don't do much socially, although I have handful of friends. There is nothing really drawing me to or keeping me in Chengdu. I love my apartment, but I am not willing to sacrifice living a fulfilled life so I can take a bath and love my living space...although I will not deny how important hygge (Danish for cozy space) is to me, especially after suffering a complete lack thereof for the previous few years. It stands to reason that my having this lovely home is absolutely lovely if all I do is go to work and come home (been there, done that!); however, I am willing to give it up to thrive and live more fully--which I am totally NOT doing in Chengdu. Let me be blunt: the pollution is awful and I don't like the food. These are two vital--literally VITAL--aspects of life: one needs to breathe and eat! So it follows that I need and want to leave Chengdu (for my health which directly affects my sanity), and I need and want to leave my job (for my sanity which affects my health). I should not be surprised that I can't "get out of the funk" I've dealthwith on and off while I have lived here for the past 12 months! I have been sick too many times to count, and who can be truly happy in a polluted, overcrowded, noisy, dirty city? Well, apparently 20 million others are able to succeed--or perhaps they are just surviving too. I don't see much happiness at my school, that is for sure. To repeat myself from a previous piece, I did not want a big transition this year: I wanted a no-drama, no-moving, no big life change kind of year. Last year was so damn hard--it is so damn hard to be a foreigner in China, unless you speak Mandarin! Everything is made harder for expats and the rumour is that this will only be getting worse. That aside, there are many beautiful UNPOLLUTED cities in China... I forgot to mention WARM, beautiful, UNPOLLUTED cities. Chengdu is hellacold, though not as bad as Beijing. I really need warmth, sunshine, and clean air. These are musts. Therefore I must go. The catch is the job. Breaking my contract is doable, but the school might make life difficult for me. I have an offer (nearly) on the table for what sounds like a wonderful primary school post, but it's still in Chengdu. I really want to move south to Yunnan, which is realistic because of the job market. Although my #1 choice is of course Ganzi, there are no schools there. I want access to mountains! There are tons of well-paying jobs in Shanghai and Beijing, both bigger cities with more people and pollution, no thank you! The two schools I had my eye on in Kunming, the capitol city of Yunnan province, are not hiring. There are also many schools hiring in Guangzhao, which I believe is in Guangdong province; southern and warm, but I am unfamiliar with the surroundings, weather, and AQI. It is suburban to Hong Kong and the southern coast of China. I still have to meet with this other school again--I don't want to get stuck in the same situation. I wonder, if I enjoy my job will it make living in Chengdu more bearable? Possibly a little more bearable, but not for more than one year. And I'm sick of a life that is bearable! I've spent the last --now going on 3 years--living a life that is barely bearable, surviving by chance... I want to thrive! The answer is to begin a rigorous search and be prepared to leave Chengdu, and possibly China. There is such a thing as a geographical cure if it cures your health and mood! Yesterday, a co-worker said to me, "Well, I didn't vomit today [from anxiety caused by work]!" and my response: "And I didn't cry today!". That is a sad statement when you gauge a good day as being one where you don't vomit or cry from stress and misery caused by the school environment... sigh. I keep going back and forth over looking for another job... should I stick it out or leave?... should I stay in Chengdu or go elsewhere in China?... it has been so damn hard here, should I just give up and leave China...? Pros and Cons of Staying at GA in Chengdu
Interesting package of tea - no clue what the big seeds may be; me and my peeps; our motto at school - sad but true.
“ Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio had an abundance of "sprezzatura," that spontaneous, reckless élan, the mark of the natural aristocrat that was so much admired in Renaissance Italy. In life, his excess of this quality eventually proved his undoing; in art, it was the making of him as a painter...” Quote from the article “Caravaggio and his demons”, written by Roderick Conway Morris, and printed in The New York Times on November 13, 2004 I've wondered often the past few years if I will ever be happy for more than a month or two... it makes the other 10 months torturous and minimally bearable. It almost always has to do with current employment, which eats up so much of our time as we plod away on the modern humanity gerbil wheel of existence. Once again I am in turmoil and distress due to a job. Or is it my thinking about the job? Is it my expectation that things should be different or better that causes this suffering. The existential thoughts don't help either, because they lead me to conclude that I am simply flawed in so many ways that I am unable to exist as a happy person. And the deeper I move into the whirlpool of self-analysis, awareness of my thoughts, attachments... the deeper I fall into the abyss of life pain and I begin to feel so depressed that existence itself becomes too much to bear and I wish mine would end. It seems I repeatedly become dissatisfied with my jobs, and yet I am at a loss for what to do to provide an income for myself so that I don't have to kowtow to the unthinking, creativity-stifling, opinion-crushing, bureaucratic machines which employ me to be their unmindful, disembodied drone. Why must The Machine inhibit opinion and creativity? Why am I continually discouraged from voicing my opinion? Why must I be incurably positive and speak not unless it is saccharine platitudes of "everything is great". As life moves forward, I am repeatedly bombarded with the message that my uneven, asymmetrical circle does not fit their monochrome square holes -- I don't fit and I don't belong. Anywhere. Then how do I live? What is the point in existing? I have to walk into a workplace that claims to celebrate diversity and international-mindedness, but this is all a lie. They want the blonde cheerleader look; an English speaker holding the American pedigree, but they want me to act and think (or rather, NOT think) like all the other black-haired, obsequious drones with whom I work-- those whom lack critical thinking skills, or even the ability to think for oneself. The ability to be creative is squashed at every turn. And they squash all these skills in their children as well. It makes me physically sick. But then, I must return to my responsibility and question my thoughts and actions. Is it their actions that make me suffer or my thinking about their actions that causes my suffering? Sometimes I wish I had remained ignorant to to self-knowledge and evolution, so I could go through life blaming everyone else. I can't seem to figure it out how to maintain the habit of looking inward for answers and finding contentment that lasts. I can't seem to find happiness. I cant' find it in myself or "out there". Others can face the drudgery of a job they hate, one that conflicts with their opinions or morals, or remain to be treated like trash, and simply accept that this is "how it is"... but I can't! Thus, another flaw. Why can't I accept circumstances I dislike or don't believe in? Why can't I just "go with the flow" and stop expecting to get some portion of life satisfaction through my work? What is inherently wrong with me that has made it so difficult for me be satisfied? Am I too brilliant a light, too creative a soul, too sensitive a human being? Possibly all of that, but those characteristics simply serve to alienate me again from the majority of humanity and enhance the impossibility of "getting along well with others". Or am I just simply a flawed misanthrope who is genetically incapable of being happy because I had a shitty childhood and have been in too many dysfunctional relationships and have moved too much, all of which have nurtured the fucked-upness that resides in me that all the years of reading self-help books, going to therapy, inculcating my mind with positive thinking mandates, and living in yoga ashrams just cannot cure? To continue, click "Read more" to the right. What an emotional hangover! I drank to much excitement, newness, and clean mountain air. The crash downward is steep and quick -- SPLAT! Back to reality. Even though mine is currently a pleasant reality, it is much harder to ingest after the fantasy I lived the past four weeks as I labored up the mountains of the Tibetan plateau. Perhaps it is a physiological let-down from high altitude. Perhaps it is a return to normal from the near-manic enjoyment I experienced. Perhaps it is an emotional decline to baseline after meeting so many incredible people, observing so many incredible vistas, and experiencing a constant influx of NEW minute-by-minute to the point of joy-overload. Perhaps it is spiritual loneliness after touching the heavens from mountaintops. Was my time in Kham TOO good? Was there TOO much excitement? I stayed on the -- metaphoric and real -- mountaintop for so many weeks; "normal life" feels atrociously difficult. Returning to earth -- metaphorically and in real life -- I find myself at the bottom of a sine wave and YUK! Even though life is good and I'm glad to be back and nothing is really wrong ... there is so much I miss: people, places, food, earth, wind, sunshine, quiet. I especially miss one person in particular -- the proximal presence of that person is notably absent; absence noted in heart and body... I did not realize how much the sensation of physical touch had been missing from my life until I had it again. At present, it is all I can think about! The psychological and emotional necessity of physical touch is common knowledge. And now, all of my mental effort is dedicated to solving this "problem" of need. Sigh. It will pass, I know, I know... |
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