I don't exactly know why I am experiencing such struggles as I am. I am receiving repeated messages to be more mindful; tools and resources are presenting themselves at the right time with the message of "practice mindfulness". As I reflect on my spiritual journey and emotional evolution, I see a movement up, up, up. I recall evolution, grwoth, change, and action. Then I see the tumble down these past few years, when I have not had the resources and resilience to utilize all I have learned the past decade.
All the while, I am trying. I am trying to be compassionate to myself and this process. But I struggle with the pain that all this has brought onto me.
I wonder if this is "a new page"; the pithy "fork" that I must take to awaken new awareness. I am hoping it its. I am starting to believe it is. There are aspects that I see that have changed; there are aspects I see that have made me uncomfortable that still need work. Will I learn what I need to of myself and become more self-aware, to prevent such a decline in the future? Tao tells me all is up and down and cyclical and highs are inevitably followed by lows and vice versa. Will I grow and advance to see the downs coming, so that I can better prepare and prevent or lessen the screaming downward fall. Will I learn acceptance? Will I return to the practices that made me strong and resilient? Will they improve and grow disciplined so that they are an immovable piece of my daily routine?
Will I overcome this current struggle or will it best me?
We will see, won't we.
In the meantime, I will learn and relearn. I will reform positive habits and let go of the ones that drag me down. I will learn again to be mindful and move through life with purpose and awareness, instead of just surviving.
...Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes