I keep receiving reassurances that what I'm going through is "normal" and that "it will pass". But when you feel like all the life and energy has been sucked out of you and there's nothing left, not even...
I keep looking for an intellectual or spiritual solution, when in fact, the origin is physical. I seem to think that fighting this with greater self-awareness and more meditation is the solution, instead of accepting this very physical process. I keep clinging to the person I "was", instead of remaining present with who "I am", now. I grip strongly to the identity I created for I am so fearful of losing that person--to be replaced by this current self that I dislike so very much. In seeking to change, in fighting acceptance, I am simply paving a path of self-incrimination and self-blame that I have done or am doing something "wrong" and what results from this "wrong action" is the current life I live.
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I find it the most difficult challenge of my life to accept what is going on with my body. I would sell my soul to be the active, athletic, healthy person I used to be. I can't seem to find acceptance nor allowance for what is happening to me right now, which only magnifies my stress, which then catapults a succession of feeling worse. What I am brought to is the realization is that joy has seeped away from me; I am so tired all the time and only capable of surviving the day--I can't add any additional action at the end of it. And yet the lethargy has made it all worse. This is the double-edged scabbard that has pierced my heart: I need to have energy to move to heal, and yet I don't have the energy to move and heal. The sharp sword that has pierced my soul is that the longer I allow this lethargy, the worse my body becomes, which ultimately, becomes my frame for how I view the world and my life. Back around the circle of attachment to my self-image. I think about it all too much, but then I can't stop that either. I condemn my self instead of forgiving. I am hard on my self instead of being gentle.
I acknowledge that this is the exact time in my lifespan that I need to be conserving and building reserves for the future, so that all my many years ahead are enjoyable and healthy rather than the bleak alternative. If I can build my Qi up and create (re-create) health and habits that support my health, the future of my life will filled with Light. I HAD all those healthy habits and I LIVED that lifestyle, but like that last slippery grip on the wall, when I have expended every last bit of muscle energy, I have lost my grip on that life and have fallen...am I still falling, or have I landed and am in the process of picking myself back up, resting, and planning a new strategy to ascend?
To return to the theme that ALWAYS returns, I need to ACCEPT where I am right now, be GENTLE WITH MYSELF, ALLOW INSTEAD OF STRUGGLE, and remember on a DAILY basis, that I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN. I must allow my body to heal itself and remove anxiety from my life, because it's my thoughts about all that is going on that are destroying me, rather than my physical symptoms.
The unfolding of all This Miscellaneous Blather leads to a list of Things that bring me Joy. In the times of recent self-introspection, I realized that I have no joy in my life. Even the things that normally fill my life with a sense of satisfaction or joy have not (teaching, being at school). I think the realization of this current (and hopefully temporary) truth came to consciousness when someone recently noted that I "look unhappy". I haven't even thought about happiness in months, I've just been struggling to survive this process and win the battle against my body (which, yes, is the complete incorrect way to bring myself back to healthy status when I view my body as the enemy--which I have/do). I realized, well hell!, I have no energy (or funds) left to do the things that make me happy. As my acupuncturist advised, I need to do things if they make me happy, or otherwise don't do them (exercise for one). Then I realized, even the things I am doing to restore and relax aren't bringing me joy, they are just a way to turn off the thoughts that pollute my mind and avoid feeling bad/guilty about all the things I am not doing to make my life better (exercise/socializing). There's another woe: shoulding myself to be like I used to be, when right now, that's just not how it is.
Ultimately, I created a list so that I could begin a return to the feelings of satisfaction, happiness, and joy. All of them are not realizable right now, but if I can do some, even halfway, I will begin to see the light in This Darkness and perhaps I can girt my inner self with strength and hope.
What Brings Me Joy?
A Random List
What can I do today to bring some joy into my life?
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