I am grateful that when I am fully present and trying to listen to another with focused attention and the intent of truly listening, I am able to do it. I would like to be able to practice this regularly, in simple day-to-day conversations, but at least when the conversation is intense, I am aware enough to practice it. It feels good to really listen to another person and not focus on what I think about what they are saying or what I'm going to say in response or defending my Self. It takes a very conscious decision to do this and I am grateful I can do it. I am far from skilled or perfect in this type of communication, but I am progressing!
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I've known this a long time, but each time I pull it forward into awareness, I am still amazed: my thoughts totally control my mood. In states of anxiety, I find my mood blackening and my anxiety increasing as my wonders to "What if?" and recollects negative experiences of yesterday. Without realizing I am thinking; I have been focuses on a negative event that irritated me from the previous day, al the while brushing my hair or teeth and not even focused on what I'm doing. Then I Wake Up, and change the direction of those thoughts (when I'm able to do that. I've found that I have to be in the right frame of mind to redirect myself out of the Downward Spiral).
This morning, I found my mind Wandering to positive thoughts about people and doing something kind for them. My mood lifted instantly and I found myself "Feeling Good For No Reason"! Oh, but there was reason, of course: I was thinking positive thoughts and thus, my mood followed. Yes, it all seems simple to you, but some of us have to work toward that positivity, it does not come natural, especially if a parent taught us to think negatively and be critical, or modeled that behavior. I have a friend, whom I admire so much, who's natural course of Thought Flow is to focus on what feels good/what is good, in a negative situation, thereby she is able to remain happy and look for positive outcomes to anything Life throws at her. I truly envy that ability; to me, it's like Magic. For me, if I am not fully aware and Catch My Thoughts, I turn toward worry, fear, and negative thinking automatically. I've had to work hard to train my mind to find positives and Light in The Darkness. But I can do it. And each time I recognize what my thoughts are doing to my mood, that engages the habit and the Power to change my mood, my day, my Life. YayQ Stress is increasing now that school is once again beginning; constant thoughts of to-do lists and "not enough time" and "can't get it all done" have returned, leaving me sleepless the past three nights. Aargh! Though I type this--in my fatigue-- on Wednesday, Tuesday was a good day for self-care. I am establishing a new, kinder and more achievable routine for health and wellness. Yesterday morn, I completed my round of yoga and prana, listened to a short visualization program which I recently started. At 12 minutes, plus yoga practice of a bit more, I can adhere to this shorter 20 minute routine in the mornings, which I will alternate with exercise on other days. My usual standard is to set too-high standards that I inevitably can't follow through, and end feeling like I have failed. With 3 days of exercise, that will get me back in the habit without having to unbalance and overexert and exhaust myself attempting my normal 5. 3 days of exercise, 3 days of meditation/visualization; this I can achieve with positive results.
I have vowed in the afternoons, immediately following school, to engage in a deep relaxation (yoga nidra), 3 days each week. I'll also take a short walk a few nights each week , to get some fresh (well, traffic, MoPac, and pollution -- so it's not all that fresh) air, as well as alternating that with MBSR (Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction) or visualization/meditation. So I am grateful for self-care tools and action! I'm finding balance in the changes of how I approach fitness and health; allowing instead of struggling, acting on that which I am capable of doing rahter than trying to force myself to perform at previous levels. It's okay. It's all good. Now, If I could just get some damn sleep!
I'm grateful for all the inner and outer work I've been doing -- physically, medically, emotionally, energetically, spiritually -- for it helped me remain outwardly calm when my insides were a tempest of anger and fear. My emotions began to simmer and then nearly boil over, but I took a few breaths and a few dropperfuls of kava, and that brought me down to a point where I could retain control and keep my mouth shut, which was very important in that situation.
I've decided not to chew on it, because I can't control it. I will do my best to care for my Self and take care of myself. It gives me a vision of the future, and when I have that in mind, I am able to take action. I decided I would take the action within my control, and continue to do my best where I needed to I let myself feel the emotions and then went home and did things I enjoyed doing. As I prepared for sleep, I decided I would have a great weekend and get up and run on Saturday morning. And that's what is going to happen. I am grateful I can remain in harmony, in the middle, and regain equanimity. Perhaps I'm learning after all. Although I feel frustrated that there's a downturn so shortly after having an upturn, but at least now I am equipped to deal with it, without it crippling me emotionally and energetically. Acupuncture, yoga practice, QiGong, studying Tao, TCM Kidney tonic--these have all worked in concert to bring me back into balance on all levels. I am sooooooo grateful for this! I recognize that I need to prepare for these downturns and expect them, then the down won't be so damn far down and I won't have to work as hard to get back to the top (or middle). In fact, the "downs", the "bad" times, the troughs of these life waves are not experienced as so terribly awful if I step back, breathe, acknowledge what I can control and what I cannot control, and move from a place of self-care as the #1 priority and compassion to all as my second. I'll paraphrase Deng Ming-Dao meditation on perseverance from his book "365 Tao": The fisherman prepares and repairs his net in advance. Preparation is the main part of fishing; preparation of net, boat, and for foul weather. Then fishing is easy and the "fish fall into his hands" . Perseverance when there is drudgery, when goals have faded into distance. Keep moving, keep walking toward the goal. The Tao is movement and action at all times, so that that action becomes ease. I have experienced such a profound shift in emotional and psychic state, the calm feels near bliss. Changes at school have amplified this tenfold. I look forward to being in the classroom even on a day like today, when I feel rather terrible due to coughing and lack of sleep and tired feet from a long hike in inadequate shoes. I know I can care for my self while still providing a wonderful fun day of experiential-learning for my kiddos.
It's a wonderful feeling. It's not bliss in the sense of being high or out of balance in the "good" direction; rather, it's a lack of anxiety and a sense of calm. This calm feels nouveau to me and my life after these years of the opposite. It's a gift! I thought I would never turn that corner or find that light and both have finally reappeared! There is no bright flash or magnificent epiphany, but a slow, easeful movement, like the bow drawn slowly across one string of a cello, providing deepness and continuity rather than a shrill, sudden note of change. I kept hoping and praying and visualizing and hoping for change. I kept expecting a sudden transformation overnight. This is smoother and gentler and I am starting to feel the gratitude for this type of timing come forth within. I know that in the future I shall become even more grateful that this shift occured slowly. Perhaps the changes will become more permanent this way. I am grateful for school and friends and my kids and my co-peeps. I am grateful that I always have been -- and remain -- open to change and learning and possibilities. Sigh. :-) Continuation of thoughts from a previous post...
I felt almost normal yesterday. I was "around people" almost all day yesterday, and I didn't feel depleted or like I needed to escape at any point. After the emotional and psychic trauma I experienced in 2015, along with physical trauma of injury and ill-health, and the resulting PTSD that combined with unemployment to leave me a fried-hot mess, I isolated myself from the world because it felt the most unsafe place to exist. Only in 2017 has some of that fear unraveled, and I have shifted back toward myself again; able to be in larger groups of people and enjoying "public affairs". I have regained so much of my sense of security that I don't feel I need to hide from the world any longer. During these 2 years, I have sweated and pushed and strained to work through the trauma and its imprint on my heart and soul. It seems to finally be paying off. My past has included a goal set, a push toward change, and immediate results. Therefore, I have been flabbergasted that nothing has changed for me in the course of two years, and that I have even backslid in areas. What was going on? Will I be like this forever? Is this what the rest of my life will look like? Those thoughts were depressing. Everything seems to be coming together again. I am re-made, and differently. It has not happened overnight and I still work not to work at it so hard--not struggle. That's the biggest struggle! I felt normal yesterday... Click "Read More" to the right... |
iGallivant......is practicing gratitude every day for 365 days. Began on April 22, 2016, let's see how life changes over the course of this next year! Archives
December 2017
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