I am grateful my body remembers it's abilities. I spent some time on my mat this morning, practicing the standing series of Bikram poses. Although I am only 60% as flexible and 50% as strong as I used to be, I am still able to perform all the poses! I also had a fantastic shiatsu massage that did my body and mind and heart a lot of good! I am thrilled to say that all of that buried anger from trauma experienced in 2015 has been released from my body! During some deep work on my liver, I felt no residual anger rising, and very little resistance to the physical work happening in that area! Yay!
I want to trust my body more. It knows what to do, and it knows how to heal. My body is healthy and whole and remembers (and cries out in yearning for) all the activities of its former, active life. We are coming about and falling off the wind (too much Hornblower, LOL) so that we can move with the flow and have it easier. We meaning me and my mind, LOL. Thank you body, for being dependable and remembering all that I have not done for more than one year!
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I've been coming round to the notion of Balance and Non-Struggle. It is the slowest of processes because somewhere along the peregrination that is my life I picked up the habit of fighting to change and struggling against What Is, instead of Going With The Flow and Allowing. Ergo, I am grateful to (finally) be aware of this quality and have the courage to face it and change it. It ain't easy! I look at aspects of my Life or my Self and am dissatisfied instead of accepting. I want to be different in certain ways, then what follows that desire is allowing that one aspect to define who I am (in my own mind), instead of focusing on all my positives (of which there are an innumerable amount!) I fight and struggle against my Self and Exactly Now, to my detriment and sorrow; i.e., creating and magnifying suffering (it multiplies negative thoughts in my mind like a virus) in my Life. Yet, as I see what I am doing, my awareness increases and consequently, my ability to change increases in accord.
And thus, here I am, feeling grateful for the awareness that I want something that differs from Reality, and that is impossible, so I will work on accepting Life and Myself exactly As-Is, Right Now. I'd rather be happy than suffer. "We must not accept the judgment of others as the measure of our own self-worth... we will have flaws, but we must take stock in them according to our own judgment and then use them as a measure of self-improvement. Since we need not expend energy in putting on airs or maintaining a position, we are actually free to cultivate the best parts of our personalities." - Deng Ming-Dao, 365 Tao Daily Meditations
This is a lifetime's lesson for me. I'm trying to feel grateful for still working at it, still fighting the good fight, having not given up after decade is struggle in this one area. Following the lines of my thought patterns, I am, of course, my harshest judge. But the criticism, while occuring in my head, seems to have originated outside of me. Once again, can I blame society, our culture, or parents? No. I can but undo the messages they send to me by replacing them with my own positive themes. I can only accept my body when it is thin, athletic, and strong. Otherwise, I hate being in this shell. But there I go, struggling again, fighting against what it, and ultimately, that is what causes my suffering: not my body, but my thoughts about my body. I know this to be true. I am grateful for the knowledge and awareness to continue to work on this area. I yearn to place the blame elsewhere, outside of myself, but no one has ever said to me "You are fat and weak." Has anyone ever thought that? How would I know? But I have spent hours of my life thinking that others are judging me based on my looks and weight. In fact, I have wasted my lifetime trying to avoid such judgments. I know there is purpose in this struggle I have had with self-judgment; this greates of my personal challenges will somehow - -and someday-- bear fruit. But damn, I wish I could feel good about my body and accept it before I am old and wrinkly at 90, when it really doesn't matter anymore. So where can I find gratitude amidst this suffering? It is a most difficult action to be vulnerable and honest in this area; to share the weakness I've borne my entire life. I visualize my body healthy, strong, and fit. I imagine what life what be like if I didn't worry about what others thought of me. And I challenge the truth of the negative thoughts that stew in my head with "Is it true?" I suppose I am grateful for continuing the practice of awareness and self-evolution. These thoughts draw attention to themselves, and so I become aware of other thoughts. In this process, I become aware of tools I can use to bring my own truth to light. Then I come to the cardinal aspect of my struggle: Light and Awareness. I am grateful to Become Aware and bring forth truth to uncover my Light. Yes, for this I am grateful. I am grateful for interesting people that come into my life. I am grateful that others recognize my Light when I think it is not shining. I am grateful to be on a path of awareness and learning. I am grateful to spend my days with wonderful people. I am grateful to see my weaknesses yet know how to approach them and work on them. I am grateful when I can find compassion for myself amidst the criticism and high expectations. I am grateful for fantastic books that make me go gaga with their story lines and characters, and when I am really lucky, amazing wit. I am grateful for my soft, fluffy pilllows and heated blanket to keep me cozy. I am grateful for roommates who are awesome. I am grateful for my truck that runs so well. I am grateful for my healthy body. I am grateful I can walk to school. I am grateful that I am learning to manage my energy better--or learning again and applying the knowledge and taking action! I am grateful for birdsong behind me, a lovely distraction as I write. I am grateful for writing and journaling and morning traditions that include the aforementioned and chai. I am grateful for books that jump out at me when I need them. I am grateful for friends that have variegated books on their shelves, and an abundance thereof! I am grateful to see my resistance, and work to change it. I am grateful that I see the struggle and work to let go. I am grateful that I see when I am being too controlling in the classroom and work to stop it. I am grateful for a sense of security that I find at home and school. I am grateful to feel this unusual and unknown desire to "stick" in one place for a while; I am starting to enjoy these roots I am growing. I am grateful for new friends and former friends and friends I've had "forever". I am grateful for a sense of connection and grounding and the knowledge that I need more of both. I am also grateful that I am learning when I need the opposite--vis a vis solitude-- and finding that in a healthy and life-affirming manner. I am grateful for creativity and ideas and Hygge and passé temps!
I am grateful for so much! One of the many things I love about myself is my ability to childlike. I am frequently filled with wonder, I am always inquisitive, I find pleasure in simple occurrences such as an ant currying up the wall, I laugh loudly and often, and I like to play. My body may age, but my mind and heart will never grow old.
Only yesterday, I was being over-curious at Trader Joe's, and the clerk just laughed at me, in a good-natured manner. I work with 4-8 year-olds, and that is the perfect age range for me, as my "inner child" is right around there. I was frequently scolded during childhood and adolescence for being "immature" and now I'm glad for it. The world is filled with seriousness and foreboding--let me counter that with Light and levity and being present in joy. I buy playdough every now and again (yes, for myself!) to remind me of these qualities. "We hear the merriment of children and may sigh over our lost childhoods. Although we can no longer fit into our old clothers and become young again, we can take comfort in the optimism of children. Their rejoicing can gladden us all." - Deng Ming-Dao, 365 Tao. Why sigh? It is only lost if you put it away or give it away. For me, I will retain my eagerness to play and hold safe the child that is in me. Look out, there she goes! 365 or so days later, I can celebrate one year of daily gratitude posts. Obviously I have missed some days, since I am 80 days behind schedule, but who cares! I have spent one year focusing on being grateful every day, and I will continue this habit! On "down" days, it's sometimes difficult to find something for which to be grateful, but I can look outside to nature for that, or think of the roof over my head, or my place of work that I love. Other times I have been through periods of distraction or busy-ness or whatever and have skipped my posts for weeks. Sometimes I just miss a day here and there. The point is, I have tried to bring to my conscious awareness a feeling of being grateful for something, every day, and I will continue to do so.
And it stands to reason, that my post today will be on the topic of Feeling Gratitude for Completing One Year of Gratitude Posts! I am grateful the idea was given to me by Dr. Christiane Northrup, in one of her FB posts, and reaffirmed throughout the year by other authors, positive-think leaders, and spiritual leaders whom I follow on FB or otherwise. I am grateful for this habit and this awareness that I feel better every morning that I offer gratitude in written form. Plus, it's fun! I am grateful to Dr. Northrup, Dr. Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Abraham-Hicks, Deng Ming-Tao, Deepak Chopra, Oprah, The Universe, Bruce Lee, Anodea Judith, my dear friends, and so many other public and non-public figures, authors, scholars, teachers, co-workers, who light my path as I journey toward self-awareness and self-actualization. Thank you, I love you! Today, I'm just gonna be grateful for everything. every single thing that comes my way: people, circumstances, and events. That's my intention for Wednesday, April 19, 2017.
Yesterday evening I felt renewed; like a new person--like my old self! I am grateful for experiences that bring me back to center. I don't know if it was one particular experience of grounding or if it was a combination of that and a burdened relieved. I do know that my physical energy increased, along with a heightened sense of mental clarity, and my overall feeling of energy felt abundant!
I experienced a powerfully grounding massage last week, that totally reoriented my dissipated energy into my physical body in relation to feeling centered and grounded. As C. put the weight of her body onto my scapula and pressed down into my pelvis, lengthening my spine pressing the weight of my body into the floor, I felt an instant gathering of my energy, on all levels, back to my body. This dissipation of energy is difficult to understand if you have not experienced it personally. It's even difficult to describe coherently. I give away a lot of my energy during the day; not just physical energy, but I offer emotional energy and I use an ample amount of mental energy and spiritual energy as well. I combine the middle two into the term "psychic" energy, for that entails both the emotional and mental side. Essentially, I give out or use up most of my energy during the day, so that I often feel I have "nothing left" at the end of the day; nothing for myself. This has been an ongoing problem and has manifested in all the challenges with which I have been dealing for months: fatigue, low energy, ennui, poor sleep, lack of motivation, decreased strength, decreased exercise, weight gain, injury, illness... inability or to do ANYTHING...! It's a vicious cycle I have not been able to break! The less energy I have, the less I can exercise and change, which results in a further decrease in energy and ability to change! It's not that I lack desire! Every day I visualize how I want to change my life, but when I come home, all I am able to do, very often, is recline and restore on a superficial or false level with physical rest and a mind/soul/body-numbing activity. In the end, the numbing has just made it all worse. I have tools to combat all of this, but I am too tired to use them! I know that if I just exercise regularly, I will feel better, but I don't have any energy at the end of the day, and I can't seem to get myself up and motivated to work out early, as is my habit of 20 years past! The lack of energy has morphed into lack of motivation and desire. I just "don't feel" like meditating or doing the re-grounding exercises that have worked. Again: vicious cycle. At the end of the day, I feel dissipated and lackluster, which feeds into itself and is exacerbated by lying there. Aargh! The grounding and centering experience is even more difficult to explain! As I was physically pressed into the floor by my massage therapist, I felt every aspect of my energy regather in my body and meet the energy of the earth, which moved up to meet my own energy. Yes, that sounds all woowoo, but I don't know how else to express it. Everything returned to me. All of my mental energy that I had expended, all of the physical energy I used, all of the emotion and spirit that expanded to my kids returned. I felt like a balloon that sucked all the air back in, contracting and filling at the same time. What was mine returned. I was restored! I felt whole. I felt myself. All of my parts that had spread to the wind and that I had given away, were back to me. I knew, in that moment, that this is what I needed every day after school to re-center, collect my energy back to me, and return to my normal energy level and function! Afterward, she advised what I could do to recreate this experience and ground myself again at the end of the school day. I did it yesterday with a partner and the increase in energy was just what I described above! Now I hope to do this every day, somehow. The trick is habits. I've formed new habits of "not"; not exercising, not grounding, not meditating, etc. I have to undo all of those with habits of action. I have to get in the habit of grounding after school, whether there is anyone to assist or not. I have to get back in the habit of working out before school, whether I have energy or not. I have to get back in the habit of eating less, whether I want to or not. Each repetitive action I take creates a habit. Knowing that nothing lasts forever, not the good times, not the awful times, not the in-between times of balance... this is a most comforting thought. Vicissitudes are inevitable; how will I face certain flux?
I know what I need to do to return to the place I wish to be in life in the area of health and well-being; it's a matter of having the energy to get there. I am determined, I have the will, but it seems I lack the physical and psychic energy with which to propel myself. In the past, this would have brought me down low. I have come to learn that it all passes. And so will this time when I feel lassitude and the physical inability to overcome this inertia of remaining. For this knowledge, I am grateful. In my mind, I visualize my former active self. In my mind I see my future active self. I know I will do it. Once again I am grateful for my self-awareness. I can see my limits and challenges and I have the desire to address them both. I recognize behavioral patterns, as hard as it is to face those sometimes, and sincerely seek ways to change them or accept them. Currently, I am facing two aspects that need further contemplation and then a plan... and so that's what I'm doing. Even at 6:30 in the morning, when I'm dog-tired I can consider: what can I change, where can I do better, what actions can I take, is this pattern of my own doing?
I am grateful for my courage to look within and my determination to act! |
iGallivant......is practicing gratitude every day for 365 days. Began on April 22, 2016, let's see how life changes over the course of this next year! Archives
December 2017
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