It's hard for me to let go of friendships, but it seems I've done this quite a few times in the last few years. I wonder, is it me? Then I realize, people change, and they are no longer a good (or healthy) fit in my life. People outgrow me; I outgrow them. This is more of the same lesson about ebb and flow, ups and downs, the Tao, and going with the flow of the current of Life. We (I) have concepts about relationships, friendships... That they should last. It took me years to realize that relationships change and many don't last. Yet, I never applied that rule to friendships. I have many long-lasting, hardy friendships. I have friendships that have been intimate and endured since I was age 16. When I become a true friend to someone, I always want to remain so. But sometimes, that's just not meant to be. As I have evolved, so have my friendships. Sometimes they fade, sometimes they explode. Several friends I have simply outgrown because while I have evolved, they remain stuck in attitudes and actions that I just cannot tolerate. Negativity, lack of compassion, unkindness... I just don't want to be around it. Am I perfect, hell no, but I am always trying to be better, to be my Highest self. A few of these friendships have been hard for me to end; it doesn't feel right or natural to end a friendship I've maintained with someone for years and years and years. But when the negativity or cruelty to others (or myself!) is too much, I have walked away. I still think about those significant women in my life, and hold them in my heart. I wonder about their lives. I wonder if they think of me and miss me, too. Probably not. That's okay.
The point is, if someone is closing the door, I will only keep my foot in it so long before I realize that it's time to let the door close completely. I have to let go. I have to accept that just as I change, my friends evolve also, and perhaps in a completely opposite direction. Perhaps it is my fault: I am too vocal or harsh in my words, I am judgmental rather than supportive, perhaps they even think I am the negative, critical, uncompassionate one... Ouch! And maybe I am. Fault matters not, however. What matters is that I recognize change, and flow with it. I have to allow that person to drift off and away, even drown. Ultimately, it is their choice and I can't save anyone. Perhaps they don't like the color of the lifebuoy I threw... I certainly can't force it over their head.
So I float on, let people pass in and out of my life, taking their own course, while I focus on allowing myself to relax in the river of Life, without struggling. Acceptance. Dark and Light. Highs with Lows. They are all part of the whole, and one cannot be without the other. I suppose one friendship grows and deepens, while the other disaggregates to its end. I can allow that too.
I'm taking my foot out of the doorway.
Leave a Reply.
...Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes