The Beauty is Inside 뷰티 인사이드

The quote to left by Eckhart Tolle weighs heavy on my mind and will not release me. I have chased abundance and prosperity all of my life. I have found them, gripped them, and then thrown it all away. I have relished financial prosperity and then made poor decisions. (Or did I?). I have made wise decisions that brought me joy and emptied my accounts. I was raised with a sense of fear surrounding money and a sense of lack. For a decade I have attempted to release and reverse these inculcations and other negative messages surrounding money, prosperity, and financial abundance.

I have successfully abandoned the position that money is of cardinal importance to success and happiness in my life (or anyone else's for that matter: it is continually demonstrated to me that one can be quite successful and joyously happy without money, and that many that have much wealth are the most miserable). I have withdrawn from the rat race and freed myself of the golden handcuffs that once bound me. I also deny the moral aphorism that money or want of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool, and therefore not inherently "evil" (if there is even such a thing as "evil", that is questionable as well), any more than a gun or a knife is inherently "evil". I want money, and I am certainly not evil. I would not trade my health or happiness or past experiences for any amount of money! I have experienced an incredible, adventurous life...
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...And yet, I am badgered by the notion that I have the potential to feel abundant and prosperous regardless of income or bank savings. I am bothered by the very concept of "small income", or that I don't "earn enough" to feel secure. Is that true? Are all of my concepts surrounding money, income, abundance, security, and prosperity based in negative falsehood? Will I ever enjoy the sense of equanimity that stems from feelings of abundance, prosperity, and security that I so desperately seek? Do I feel a lack of abundance as a result of the karma of being irresponsible in the past? Have I brought this negative karma on myself through the actions of my younger self? Can I undo it?

Security. Security. Security. To be frank, all I TRULY want is to FEEL secure, to FEEL abundant, and to FEEL prosperous in my life, whether I have enough money or not. I want to TRUST that I will be taken care of if I get ill or hurt or can't work anymore or don't want to work anymore. Unfortunately, I have a complete and utter lack of trust in this US Government and its social welfare systems; they have proven there is no support for me there. I also do not have family or friends on which I can rely for any kind of long-term financial help. As always in my life, it has boiled down to me taking care of me, because there is no one else there to do it. That's okay, I've accepted it even though I don't like it; despite the resultant feelings of isolation and sadness. It is what it is, and I have created my life so far. I recognize that there are plenty of people who have much, much, MUCH less than I do and yet they live happy and fulfilling lives. I know there are people who feel a sense of abundance and prosperity in their minds and hearts, while living below the poverty level. Then why can't I?

I truly want to feel abundant and prosperous without the Security I crave so much. I know that I must begin from a point of gratitude-- which I do! I know I must also replace my fear with gratitude. I fear our government and its lack of systems because I have experienced their persecution and lack of social care first-hand. That experience left me with a deep disgust for this country and culture; it deepened the feelings of distrust and dislike already present. It made me feel grateful for my experience of living in another country that offered its citizens care and well-being as a society. The disparity opened my eyes to the failures of this country in which I currently reside.

But I'm not writing this to bitch about the pathetic state of the USA and its crumbling culture, infrastructure, government, and social welfare systems. I can only control my life. Therefore, if "the source of all abundance is not outside" me, but rather, "part of who" I am, then it stands to reason that I must find that source within me and maintain it in steadiness. I must embrace that if abundance is "part of who" I am, then
I AM ABUNDANCE. I have access to the feeling of abundance at anytime, because it resides WITHIN me. If I am to move from a perspective of lack and fear, I acknowledge that I must begin with gratitude. I must focus on that for which I have to grateful, rather than what I fear. Furthermore, in my opinion, the most important lesson one can learn in life is to stay rooted in the present moment. There again is the second part of the answer: remain in the Present, where everything is always okay.

This, then, is the answer: start with gratitude and remain in the Now. Gratitude always makes me feel good, satisfied, and happy. Remaining present reminds me that I am okay and have enough. We are never anywhere else except Now anyway, right? The past is finished, and the future always occurs in the Now, so what else is there, except to be content in Now.

Now. Now. Now. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

My mission--and I choose to accept it--is remembering these two tenets and holding them in my conscious awareness at all moments, in all my days, throughout all the remaining days of my life!