"Somehow, something's changed"

The last three years have really beaten me down.*
--I suppose I should stop beating that drum of suffering, and let positive light shine on those years... Hmm--
The song I heard on my long drive, and that has held itself in my mind almost daily since, is an old song by Chicago: "I've been searching so long". This melodic proclamation of change offers an uplifting feeling, even if some of the lyrics don't apply to my life. With nuances of realization and transformation and arrival, it's a "feelin' good song" and in singing along, I started to feel triumphant over all struggles, for it encapsulates the good place in life both where I am now, and where I was before all of the discord and emotional fuckwittage occured. At present, I feel "shifted back" --forward??-- to that good place in life again, and I am now even farther beyond, --perhaps I didn't "go back" to the good part, I pushed forward to triumph despite turmoil, arriving at security and happiness the round about way-- One line of the song I strongly disagree with, and changed it to suit me:
"Good things in life do NOT take a long time..."
To continue, in relation to the song, I've known the meaning and purpose of my life for a long time, so even when I get off track, my foundation remains strong and unchanged.
My purpose is to:

1. Be happy in life, regardless of circumstance, (clarity: to retain equanimity and acceptance during both ups-and-downs)
2. Evolve toward, evidence, and act from my Highest Self
3. Be of service to others in this world, in whatever way I can.

It has taken those three aforementioned years to crawl back to my foundation. Then again, maybe I was never "off track"; maybe all of the turmoil was part of my journey to That I Am.
However, I realized something deeper in me changed this past week ...
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...My heart reacted slowly and with subtlety, and leaned softly foward. There was a blurred edge of vulnerability there, yet I was without fear. I related in a different manner than I have in the past-- almost backwards, from end to start. Was it the enveloping obscurity of dark night? Was it the overwhelming number of stars in the sky that tempted my soul out into the open? Was it (the unfamiliar) sensation of security, a deep sensation of knowing that I could trust this person? Who was this person unknown to me to whom I felt such a loud connection that I would share so openly? The bridge between us was nearly visible, and the resonance pounded sonically; in my mind, through my veins. This was a new experience, a reverbatory revelation felt silently inside during this quiet, calm night. This experience felt like a way of being. The authenticity I was able to express made me realize the freedom I was feeling. The feeling of freedom brought a sense of safety. The sense of safety made me think...
I want to reside here...
--Second on my Intertwining Wheel of Contentment is Security--
I was caught by surprise, over and over again, by my very own feelings and emotional reaction. I remained in a state of wonder and surprise; my emotions continually jumping out at me from around a blind corner. My heart was entertaining this Wow!Wow!Experience while thoughts about the situation tumbled through; my mind trying to rationalize the cartwheels into a more orderly form: a march of reason. But in the end, my mind agreed with my heart. As I approached from a place of Authenticity and Truth, I was greeted with the same. I am being purposefully oblique in my writing. Though I will admit, as we walked under Orion, I walked alongside serendipity once again --forever my close friend you are, Serendip-- and walked out having found something special, and am still holding the enormity of the moment in my heart and mind. In conversations that excluded the ego's presence of judgement and closed doors, I found myself relinquishing close-held thoughts that normally take a lengthier passage of time for release. I don't know if my heart was "on my sleeve" because I felt secure, or if I was intuitively relating from the Essence of who I Am (which is love)...? But the customary trepidation of judgement-cum-rejection was lacking during the encounters. There was a Love born of resonance and recognition manifesting. This love always exists, it just awaits awareness. To the giver, receipt does not matter; honest expression is paramount. In the combination of energetic connection and resonance of spirit, I felt miracles occur. (In that very particular physical space we occupied, love abounds; an energetic field has been built in that place over decades. One can't help but feel an overwhelming outpouring of love in that place. It already exists, but was amplified due to resonance and connection.) Essence responded to Essence. When I say that receipt; i.e., acceptance or recognition, of love does not matter, I mean that it is important to that I never deny or withhold love, regardless of consequence. Love can only bring you closer to your Highest Self. I am referring to connecting love, recognition love, not romance.)

In relating to others, once I have an experience of authentic meeting, I cannot return to other methods of getting-acquainted. This is my Bar Standard. Not that I am unaccustomed to meeting others at the point guileless self-truth, I just find it rare to meet others who are strong enough to engage in authenticity at the outset. There is always a steep, well-guarded wall to climb or a veil of ego blinding me to the real person behind it. I attempt to engage with others in a direct fashion, to begin friendships/relationships in this way, but only like-minded souls are capable of staying afloat in a matchless-depth conversation. My tolerance to accept less or the opposite has waned markedly, and the time period I permit myself to relate to opposites has diminished as well. I do not seek relationships built with ego-driven closed-hearts or unconscious prevarication.

On that point, I have noticed an un-hidden pattern in my life: when I meet a person, and there is an instant connection that wells up from a resonance deep within both of us-- a meeting of souls, that person becomes my friend for life. I have found these soul-connections...I want to say frequently, but that's not entirely accurate. Rather, I should say that I have several intimate and authentic friendships that have come from chance meetings; i.e., serendipity. Friendships maintained even now, in secure knowledge we will remain friends throughout life. This appears to happen in each city where I reside! However, they have been solely friendships with females. An entirely new topic?? I am blessed to have experienced this again, recently. What is new? I have not felt this kind of energetic connection (that is not cleverly disguised as physical attraction) with any man. I have had a connection grow over time, after meeting, but it has never appeared at the start! I felt uber-resonance with him, then discovered the connection had birthed a desire for it to expand beyond friendship, into spiritual partnership, physical companionship, emotional authenticity, and an even deeper intimacy. What gives me another Wow!Wow!Experience is that I have discovered that I do not seek anything beyond friendship. I am satisfied with remaining "just friends"; knowing that the depth of our friendship and its growth will yield enough satisfaction, and I would rather cultivate our authentic connection as friends, allowing the rest unfold as it may or may not, without attachment. Another astonishing gift of this friendship. My strong desire for friendship rather than romantic relationship is what most astounds me. I amuse myself, when I am surprised by my own motivation! Ha! I sincerely just want to know this person on the deepest levels I can. "Awareness": this month's flavor of metaphysical ontological shifts. --Double Ha!--

That was Then, This is Now, or "Back to Reality", 01/13/17
That was then, this is now? My mind claims this memory is a mythology; a dream. Yet my heart clings to openness and love and expression. I cannot forget the surprise I felt at that time; the astonishment itself does shade it with a dream-like quality. There was already so much going in my body, heart, spirit, and mind, unrelated to the serendipity of this meeting. What I feel now is simply gratitude for the connection and resonance I experienced; immovable knowledge and confidence of new friendship, and my innate inquisitiveness --to know more and maintain our connection. Although my feelings remain the same, I am at ease in letting our individual lives unfold as they will, without pushing or attaching to an idea to mold them to my desire. I remain open-hearted and authentic, while seeking connection and resonance. I come from a place of love, and give that without need of full expression or even recognition. I know who I Am, and I know my gift of love to others is the greatest aspect of my personality, because the fountainhead of my love is my Highest Self, and I evolve from this place. As I have written before**, and hold tightly as a tenet of my life:
​I can never be hurt by loving someone, I can only expand. I am so grateful for That I Am, awareness, and my deep friendships.


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*While in Korea, I had a serious medical issue that twice required surgery, (living there offered its own unique language/cultural struggles). Then, I impinged a nerve while cycling and went into anaphylaxis after receiving a steroid injection and almost died--in a foreign country--so that was scarier than you can imagine. On my return to the US, I got into a horrific relationship from which I couldn't extricate myself from fast enough, resulting in emotional damage, panic attacks, and PTSD that lasted over a year, not to mention financial struggle. I was also finishing my graduate coursework and had recently begun student teaching as part of the course. At the same time, I couldn't get full-time, permanent employment and experienced financial near-ruin over the course of 2 years. Should I mention the difficulty of finding affordable housing in Austin, while being unemployed, and a crazy, drama-laden roommate situation? Ack! Consequently, when I say: "The last three years have really beaten the crap out of me", I am NOT exaggerating! However, that's just background. What is important, is where I am now!

​ **I began to develop this theory of love as expansion, and never being afraid to love in 2011.
I reaffirmed it in my post "Love", June 30, 2014: www.gallivantinggoddess.com/life-savant/love1
Now I can see the pattern is truth and I have embodied the wisdom.
​You never lose anything by loving someone, you only gain.
I am grateful to have learned that in this lifetime.