I wonder if I am gaining weight because I desperately need grounding? Is it a way to keep me safe from something from which I am unaware that I need protection? Dating? Being "out in the world"? Summer and swimsuits? My big stressors --that were events-- are over, relatively speaking (certification test) There's still some stress at work, (classroom really disorganized, PD presentation, lesson planning). I still have two work projects that need completion (my PD Presentation and Lesson Planning), then there's the fucking IRS. Beyond that, I feel okay. I'm doing more work to get grounded, and yet...I've gotten into this habit of the part of inertia that states "a body at rest tends to stay at rest...". And I'd rather sit and read in the morning (instead of exercise) before school, sit all day on the weekend and read and not get up. I also feel tired a lot and lack motivation. So while I visualize and intend to exercise, it's easier just to sit with the book or iPad and tea and continue sitting, under the ruse that I am "learning", "writing", or "enjoying" reading. Meanwhile, there's just an undercurrent of stress created by the "shoulds" of "I should be exercising instead of sitting here for hours and hours". I'm craving sweets like crazy, and I just want to be by myself in my room. Yet at the same time, I want to be out in the world meeting people, having fun in the sun, riding my bike. Then I get self-conscious and think about how fat my body is and worry that people will look at me and think I'm fat or judge me. Then I see that's ridiculous and know that this fear is a projection because I am looking at myself, judging myself for weight gain, and thinking all sorts of negative thoughts about my body and how I look.
What is it that I need? I know I need...
(click Read More to right)
... I know I need daily grounding, because that IS working, it IS increasing my sense of calm. But I have to figure out a way to offer myself self-care in that area, because the grounding work requires a partner, and partners will not always available or want to do the grounding work with me.
I have to act to care for myself and ground myself.
I have to take time and sit on the earth or lie on the earth after school every day.
I have to regain my sense of strength and power through weight lifting and calisthenics.
This is my gift and my curse, this issue with body image. This is the Tao on which I will become more self-aware and overcome all my challenges. This is my reminder that I need to take certain actions to remain at peace within myself and in the world.
Part of me struggles against this curse, and part of me does not want to fight it. I know I need grounding. I can choose the path to relief in the way I have been doing: eating sugar and lying down in front of the screen, effectively zoning out, avoiding feelings that cause stress, avoiding action and people, grounding myself in ways that produce negative results and really offers only temporary grounding or artificial grounding, increasing static inertia by remaining unmoving, overloading my body with caffeine to create an artificial sense of energy... or I can choose the way of relief that offers positive benefits and true grounding results: daily grounding exercises after school, yoga in the AM, exercise, and authentic social connections and activities.
I know I need more sweetness (love) in my life. I get a lot of those needs met through my kids and coworkers on a daily basis. But I definitely need more time with friends and less time in the "solitary confinement" of my room. I need to give and receive more hugs.
I need to get out of the house more, whether to sit outside and drink chai in the AM or sit outside in the afternoon for dinner or reading. I need to go to coffee shops, BookPeople, walk to TJs, walk to Opa's, get my bike fixed, walk to school, go out where I can meet people and have social contact that feels safe and non-threatening, and yet is consistent.
I already know all this, I just am not doing it! Aargh. I have friends and new friends and old friends to hike and socialize with, it's a matter of doing something! Sitting at home, getting fatter, doesn't make me want to go out, it makes me want to hide. A dreadful cycle.
Avoiding responsibilities or facing unpleasant tasks simply pushes the stress to a later date, but it sits in the back of my mind, bubbling, and it's always there, a slight distraction, like an itch. Putting off the fucking IRS, getting my bike fixed, getting an oil change, shopping for clothes, washing the truck... it's all in the back of my mind, picking at my subconscious, so even though I have avoided the unpleasantness of dealing with it, I'm stressed subconsciously that I have NOT dealt with it.
Daily grounding exercises at school at 3:15
AM asana, prana, and meditation
Spend 30 mins. each AM with yoga and weights or walk to school
Limit AM reading to 30-45 minutes
Be outside afterwork: reading, eating, etc.
Go hiking once per week
Do something else besides watch K Dramas/read every night (I have anywhere from 4-6 hours of free time each night)
Walk to TJs
Walk to Opa's or another coffee shop each week
Get my bike fixed
Shop for clothes
Update Apri 27: I have been consciously doing grounding work this week, both at home and at school, which has really alleviated the sense of dissipation of energy, most especially beneficial because this week has been really trying and energy-sapping. However, with those gains, I have still felt somewhat tired and reluctant/resistant to change evening habits of laconic lassitude. So while I have felt much more restored energetically, I am still holding on to habits of which I wish to rid myself. I am concurrently watching the thoughts that accompany this work, and noticing the criticism along with the kudos, and that the kudos need to increase. Patience, too. I see that I am making changes, yet expect permanence and results overnight instead of slowly, over time. I am pleased that I am taking the time to ground myself on a daily basis and that this work takes immediate effect! Other changes I would like to make, that will follow energy normalization, will affect my PM routine, and include being outside more and being more active socially and physically after school. Another kudo is for practicing yoga every morning this week, for however short a time!
The awareness of being overly-critical with myself makes me wonder if there is a connection to the balance of positives to corrections at school as well. Is it harder for me to offer more positive comments to my kids when I am being hyper-critical and over-judgmental of my Self? Hmmm.
...Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes