July 22, 2015
It seems like my light was near extinguished, that he had crushed my spirit...
I still feel as though I am healing and reeling from the trauma of my most recent relationship with the verbally and emotionally abusive person, TL. I had managed to get myself into a funnel of lack, desperation, fear, and need thinking over the past few years. Perhaps I drew this relationship to me to bring myself out of that. It surely amplified all of those feelings in me, and brought them to the surface with a smack-- a tsunami of fear, lack of grounding, lack of power, and depression.
To take responsibility for my actions, I admit that I made a grave mistake in trusting someone too soon; someone completely untrustworthy, who repeatedly lied. He built the entire relationship on a foundation of dishonesty. When I realized how bad it was, how many lies were propping up this dysfunctional person, I should have left immediately. But I was afraid: I was not working, my savings had dwindled to nothing, and I had no way to support myself. I had friends who of course offered me shelter, but I did not feel like bringing the weight my troubles to bear on them; to live with and depend upon them or family for goodness knows how long. I stuck it out because I was too afraid and thought the alternative was worse.
I should never subjected myself to the lies, the verbal abuse, and angry rages, and the horror of being with a cold, mean person. He had cancer and blatantly lied about having it. Turns out he had numerous health issues and lied about or downplayed those as well. Those were the worst lies, but there was more to come: lying about ridiculous subjects, making himself out to be something and then being the total opposite, claiming I had not told him something. He excelled at conveniently forgetting things he said or did. I've experienced different relationships, some healthy, some not, but I've never been involved with someone who was so horribly mendacious and just plain horrible. You can probably feel the anger emanating from these pages. My life got completely turned upside down and I was near ruin because of this relationship; not only financial ruin, but emotional ruin, physical ruin (my health suffered greatly because I lived in constant fear, depression, and i was under so much stress while living with this person), and spiritual ruin. At this point, I am trying to recapture the Light of the bright, vibrant spirit that is me, as well as seek what I was supposed to learn from this trauma, figure out how I drew this person to my and why, and take responsibility for my part in it all. I am also actively working on forgiveness, letting go, and sending this person, who I currently hold in contempt and utterly despise, vibrations of love, compassion, and healing.
Besides the blatant lies, he was a very cold, unaffectionate person. He himself had trauma in his background, and had a very long, dysfunctional marriage. He claimed healing from all that, and was skilled at fooling me in the beginning by saying all the right key words from someone who has had therapy to heal from such experiences, but again, he lied or thought he had made more progress than he actually had. His emotional baggage weighs so heavily on his shoulders, he literally stoops when he walks and has rounded shoulders and terrible posture from the burden of his own problems. It's interesting to see physical manifestations of emotional dysfunction, and he had many. He claimed healthy self-esteem but held himself with self-loathing.
I learned very quickly from his near-violent rages that my opinion was not welcomed nor allowed; even my close friends noticed how he disagreed and condemned almost everything out of my mouth. They noticed in just one meeting how he was closed, impenetrable, and cold. What an odd first impression! These impressions worried me and solidified my knowledge that I had made a huge error in judgement, trust, and decision-making. Then again, how could I know the person he truly was when everything was a lie, embellishment, cover-up, or misrepresentation??? In this, I stand by my innocence. I am trying to rebuild my heart and remain open so that I do not become suspicious of others and jaded in my ability to trust people. This is the first time I've felt that way --that I can't trust what others tell me! It's a horribly closed-off feeling that I dislike experiencing in my heart, for I am naturally open-hearted, trusting, and loving. I will get that back! He will not stamp my Spirit or Who I AM!!
As I wrote in a post last winter, I felt so powerless in this relationship. Yes, my mistake was in not spending enough time with this person before making a jump to a serious relationship and living with him; again my only defense is that I believed what he told me! One lesson I have taken to heart is that I will not move so quickly next time. I will spend much more time getting to know someone before I get involved with them, I will make sure the "next" is a truly healthy, emotionally functional, whole person with integrity. The powerlessness was so hard to take, and it left me destroyed and depressed. He had invited me to live with him when I returned from Korea, but quickly made it clear I had no voice in the arrangement of "our home", and made me feel like I didn't belong and had no right to be there. This began the feeling of powerlessness and lack of security. I'm seeing how my first chakra is seriously misaligned from the lack of security and excess of fear--this began a few years ago, but was magnified to gross proportions during the relationship. Perhaps that is the relational wake-up call: I need to get my sense of security and abundance back and in order lest I draw someone like that to me again!
I have much power back, and voice, and feeling of security now that I am away from him and have severed all contact. Even after I left, he used the power he held over me, against me. My phone and wi-fi were in his name and took months to get switched over, so I lived in fear that I would wake up with no way to maintain my job! He's such a "nice guy", he threatened to cut them off several times! He was always making threats like that. For instance, when I was preparing to move out, he would threaten me by saying "You know, I'm letting you stay here even though I could just throw you out or lock you out. I could just call the Sheriff to have you and your stuff removed..." (Who does that to another person!!!) Then, he would continue: "Since I'm a nice guy, I'm not doing that." Can you believe it? He wanted to make sure I knew that he had the power to throw me out. Another example of how "nice" he is. He used that power continually throughout our relationship to manipulate and control me. I'm glossing over many details but perhaps there is the sense of how horrible this person behaved and the reason I feel traumatized.
I will continue to heal and gain clarity and learn from this experience. I know better and all-that-is-good is coming my way and that I am drawing postiive experiences and people toward me again! I'm back riding and running and being my healthy, exuberant self! My light is burning bright once again. I cannot be held down!
I hope that any of you out there that have suffered in an abusive relationship or currently are can take courage, and get out as soon as possible! Useyour friends and family, allow them to help you! I suffered needlessly and have much more emotional damage to heal because I stayed!
Love and Light to all!
...Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes