I am grateful that I realize that putting something off doesn't change it, doesn't make it any better; it only makes that need sit heavy on mind and heart for a longer period of time. To avoid this only makes the dread grow in intensity, and I also ofeel the pressure in my subconscious. So while I try to fool myself that I am putting something off, I am truly not, but it grows larger behind the scenes.
This procrastination is a pattern I have seen in my life, but it is usually a method to avoid conflict. Most of my life I have always completed tasks early to get them done. I make a list, and relish slashing through each item with a deep line. Many of my lists are online now, so I miss the slash marks; hitting "delete" does not offer the same physical and mental satisfaction as that active recognition of task completion. But with all the other challenges I have faced in recent years, I have fallen into a pit of procrastination and this act has carried over into other areas of my life. This is why it took me a while to realize that putting anything off increases my anxiety, rather than alleviating the stress of the "to-do".
Quite recently, I have realized that putting off an unpleasant task will only increase the misery of an already unpleasant situation, and so I have decided to face it and get it over with. This decision has made me realize I am stronger than I thought I was; knowing I have the resources to deal with it in some fashion, when others cannot. It may bring up other issues, and I may not deal with it as well as I had hoped, but in the end I will figure it out, even if it means I have to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and keep my own counsel.
I suppose I am most grateful for my courage, and recognizing this within myself. I've been so hard on myself these two years, and although it's a stretch, it is also a relief to actually feel good about myself in some form. While I haven't had a rainbow-lit epiphany that procrastination doesn't work for me, I have recognized a behavior that has become a pattern, and am making an effort to minimize that pattern back to an occasional action. Rather, I would call the acknowledgment of courage within myself more of a major growth factor and rainbow-colored elucidation.
Thus, I am grateful for recognition and acknowledgment and the good feelings that follow these two.
...is practicing gratitude every day for 365 days. Began on April 22, 2016, let's see how life changes over the course of this next year!