Day 222 - Application

I am grateful that I realize that putting something off doesn't change it, doesn't make it any better; it only makes that need sit heavy on mind and heart for a longer period of time. To avoid this only makes the dread grow in intensity, and I also ofeel the pressure in my subconscious. So while I try to fool myself that I am putting something off, I am truly not, but it grows larger behind the scenes.

This procrastination is a pattern I have seen in my life, but it is usually a method to avoid conflict. Most of my life I have always completed tasks early to get them done. I make a list, and relish slashing through each item with a deep line. Many of my lists are online now, so I miss the slash marks; hitting "delete" does not offer the same physical and mental satisfaction as that active recognition of task completion. But with all the other challenges I have faced in recent years, I have fallen into a pit of procrastination and this act has carried over into other areas of my life. This is why it took me a while to realize that putting anything off increases my anxiety, rather than alleviating the stress of the "to-do".

Quite recently, I have realized that putting off an unpleasant task will only increase the misery of an already unpleasant situation, and so I have decided to face it and get it over with. This decision has made me realize I am stronger than I thought I was; knowing I have the resources to deal with it in some fashion, when others cannot. It may bring up other issues, and I may not deal with it as well as I had hoped, but in the end I will figure it out, even if it means I have to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself and keep my own counsel.

I suppose I am most grateful for my courage, and recognizing this within myself. I've been so hard on myself these two years, and although it's a stretch, it is also a relief to actually feel good about myself in some form. While I haven't had a rainbow-lit epiphany that procrastination doesn't work for me, I have recognized a behavior that has become a pattern, and am making an effort to minimize that pattern back to an occasional action. Rather, I would call the acknowledgment of courage within myself more of a major growth factor and rainbow-colored elucidation.

Thus, I am grateful for recognition and acknowledgment and the good feelings that follow these two.