Day 182 - Anew

Yesterday evening I felt renewed; like a new person--like my old self! I am grateful for experiences that bring me back to center. I don't know if it was one particular experience of grounding or if it was a combination of that and a burdened relieved. I do know that my physical energy increased, along with a heightened sense of mental clarity, and my overall feeling of energy felt abundant!

I experienced a powerfully grounding massage last week, that totally reoriented my dissipated energy into my physical body in relation to feeling centered and grounded. As C. put the weight of her body onto my scapula and pressed down into my pelvis, lengthening my spine pressing the weight of my body into the floor, I felt an instant gathering of my energy, on all levels, back to my body. This dissipation of energy is difficult to understand if you have not experienced it personally. It's even difficult to describe coherently. I give away a lot of my energy during the day; not just physical energy, but I offer emotional energy and I use an ample amount of mental energy and spiritual energy as well. I combine the middle two into the term "psychic" energy, for that entails both the emotional and mental side. Essentially, I give out or use up most of my energy during the day, so that I often feel I have "nothing left" at the end of the day; nothing for myself. This has been an ongoing problem and has manifested in all the challenges with which I have been dealing for months: fatigue, low energy, ennui, poor sleep, lack of motivation, decreased strength, decreased exercise, weight gain, injury, illness... inability or to do ANYTHING...! It's a vicious cycle I have not been able to break! The less energy I have, the less I can exercise and change, which results in a further decrease in energy and ability to change! It's not that I lack desire! Every day I visualize how I want to change my life, but when I come home, all I am able to do, very often, is recline and restore on a superficial or false level with physical rest and a mind/soul/body-numbing activity. In the end, the numbing has just made it all worse. I have tools to combat all of this, but I am too tired to use them! I know that if I just exercise regularly, I will feel better, but I don't have any energy at the end of the day, and I can't seem to get myself up and motivated to work out early, as is my habit of 20 years past! The lack of energy has morphed into lack of motivation and desire. I just "don't feel" like meditating or doing the re-grounding exercises that have worked. Again: vicious cycle. At the end of the day, I feel dissipated and lackluster, which feeds into itself and is exacerbated by lying there. Aargh!

The grounding and centering experience is even more difficult to explain! As I was physically pressed into the floor by my massage therapist, I felt every aspect of my energy regather in my body and meet the energy of the earth, which moved up to meet my own energy. Yes, that sounds all woowoo, but I don't know how else to express it. Everything returned to me. All of my mental energy that I had expended, all of the physical energy I used, all of the emotion and spirit that expanded to my kids returned. I felt like a balloon that sucked all the air back in, contracting and filling at the same time. What was mine returned. I was restored! I felt whole. I felt myself. All of my parts that had spread to the wind and that I had given away, were back to me. I knew, in that moment, that this is what I needed every day after school to re-center, collect my energy back to me, and return to my normal energy level and function!

Afterward, she advised what I could do to recreate this experience and ground myself again at the end of the school day. I did it yesterday with a partner and the increase in energy was just what I described above! Now I hope to do this every day, somehow. The trick is habits. I've formed new habits of "not"; not exercising, not grounding, not meditating, etc. I have to undo all of those with habits of action. I have to get in the habit of grounding after school, whether there is anyone to assist or not. I have to get back in the habit of working out before school, whether I have energy or not. I have to get back in the habit of eating less, whether I want to or not. Each repetitive action I take creates a habit.

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