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My top priority is to reduce my stress and anxiety so that I can manage my energy better, decreasing energy dissipation and increasing Qi.
Yesterday I completed most of my plans and goals. I've been watching my calorie intake and trying to reduce it. I had forgotten how wonderful it is to sit quietly and eat unrushed. It's remarkable to taste my food consciously. I also found I don't eat everything on my plate because I get full and stop. Such a marked difference from the shoveling down food while answering emails or reading. I also completed my yoga practice and took a walk. I would love to spend more time outside, but the mosquitoes are so bad, it just becomes sufference instead of enjoyment. I went through a pile of paperwork yesterday, and also got my bike moved into the garage and out of my room. Now, I just have to get the tire replaced and get my a$$ back on my bike. I'm a bit anxious about how my knee will respond, but will try it anyway. Today I have acupuncture and will make a visit to family. All after another session of practice of yoga and Qi Gong, as well as a walk in the sunshine. I will clean the frig and continue re-organizing/re-decorating my room today. Negative Habits I will change
Click on "read More" My top priority is to reduce my stress and anxiety so that I can manage my energy better, decreasing energy dissipation and increasing Qi.
Day 2 - Started the day reading and writing, and continuing my plan for a Rejuvenation Break. As I reminder, I am reposting my Plan and the list of Negative Habits I wish to change. Went for a nice walk and will do some organization tasks today around the house and in my room. I am clearing out the disorganization that has begun and which causes a mental and emotional dissipation of my energy. What I've learned this school year is that it is very, very difficult for me to work in a cluttered environment. It saps my energy and makes me dislike the physical environment in which I am in. Normally, my room is organized and clean, with neat stacks on my desk, and no clutter. Yes, I still make my bed every day -- always have, always will. Yet, I've started allowing piles accumulate on my desk and bureau and in corners: books, paperwork, things-to-do. Getting all my little piles organized and cleared away will stop tapping into my much needed Qi reserves so that I can dedicate my energy to healing and living. I'm going to tackle one room item and one house item each day, starting off with getting my bike out of my room and stored properly, and cleaning the frig. I am also planning out my Tao Qi Gong exercises and learning the routine. I've had my fresh OJ today and plan to eat a big bowl of fruit for dinner. I am also doing nothing while eating, except eating and looking out the window. :-) Click "Read More" I have two weeks off, and I plan to restore healthy habits, pull myself out of the downward spin of negative habits I have acquired this year, and rejuvenate my health, my heart, my joy, and my mind during this break.
Negative Habits I will change
Click "Read More" Just My Acupuncturist said anger is a lot better than some other emotions. I should've asked her, "Such as what?"
Depression? Yes. I suppose anger is more gratifying and propelling than the ennui and numbness of depression. Fear? Well, that is the birthing canal for anger, so they can't be compared. I don't know, but I do know I'm angry as hell, and the more I recollect about the situation, the angrier I become. The good thing for me is that anger IS a propulsive force. Now I just have to determine the right action and move forward with it. For now, I will sit in wait and be silent and watch. But I feel betrayed (angry), fearful (angry), ignored (angry), silenced (angry), invalidated (angry), ostracized (angry), and that my opinion and voice just doesn't fucking matter (very, very, very fucking angry). I also feel nauseous and my heart's beating the fuck out of my chest and my respiration is shallow, short, and elevated. So in the meantime FUCK THIS SHIT! It is some FUCKING BULLSHIT. Just like American fucking democracy my voice doesn't mean shit, NSFWNSFWNSFWNSFWNSFWNSFW
I have established an early-warning DEFCON anti-fuckwit system for you fellow Singletons out there in the dangerous world of dating. DEFCON 5 - No dates in the near future, all is safe in the world, happiness is assured (since it's created from within anyway) and you are having fun in the sun with your BFFs. DEFCON 4 - Dating has begun, gird your loins and batten down the fuckin' hatches. DEFCON 3 - Somethin' ain't quite right; early signs of Wanker behavior is evidencing itself, via texts or FB, but never in direct fashion, like face-to-face mature communication, or phone calls. DEFCON 2 - Do not ignore this warning! They showed who they are, so believe them. Immediate evacuation to safe zone imminent. DEFCON 1 - All Fuckwittage has broken loose and emotional contamination has been dispersed via text or FB. Retreat to safe haven immediately to avoid the catastrophic devastation of dysfunctional behavior, immature emotional response by text, inauthenticity, inability to communicate, unkind words, and just crazy-mother-fucker behavior. Until the system downgrades the warning to DEFCON 4, delete and block all incoming coms. After a safe period (and more fun with BFFs), the system will reboot to DEFCON 5 and cautious dating may then resume. Remain vigilantly on-watch for Fuckwits, Wankers, and Dinguses (Dingii?), because you are ALWAYS surrounded and they are just waiting to penetrate weak defenses! The sky is pink as fire cracker dust
Exploded silently from a hollow midnight-colored tube of sky. The Sun trails behind the quiet Dawn As though following the fuse toward ignition A large, golden dog obedient on its leash As Day pulls and pulls, "Come!" The friendly repartee between colors becomes submission: Hazy pink cedes to yellow which cedes to pale Yes, even pale is a color Isn't that what the birds are singing?
I awoke to a dream that left me feeling perplexed and wondering. I and my companion were floating amidst the deepest waters of a cerulean ocean, on something akin to an inner tube, with our supplies lashed behind us, as though we were a poorer version in the Life of Pi. For some reason we jumped off and sank down into the midnight-blue depths. Our negative buoyancy was in slow-motion, and the water was backlit to show other floating images of sleeping leviathans. We were holding hands, not our breath. Nor were we using SCUBA. And yet, within the dream, I knew I was breathing air. I could see clearly the black images hovering far away in the water, which was not cold. It was like being in the far off end of a dimly lit swimming pool, where the light is slowed in its travels through water, and all is in shadow. We did not sink down very far - perhaps only 3 meters - suddenly I noticed a sleeping Hammerhead inches from my shoulder, and became terrified that it would awaken and attack me. Strangely, it was floating vertically. It was also small for a Hammerhead: only about 8 ft. long. The other shapes further away were sleeping monsters as well. In the distance, on the surface, we saw the lights of a fast-approaching boat. We hurried toward the surface so that the wake of the speeding boat would not chase away our own. I knew that we most both fit in our little inner tube without our feet dangling, for when the sleeping sharks awoke, there curiousity would awaken as well, and they would crave a nibble.
What disturbs me about this dream is not the sharks or being on the ocean, but that they were specifically Hammerheads, and the strange glow of the underwater seas and its shadows. That image is fixed in my mind. I also see the greater meaning behind this dream: self-sufficiency and the doubts that arise within, being alone while traveling, avoiding the things that scare me, and missing the ocean. My companion was unknown as well, which is odd. I frequently have unknown people in my dream, but can always see their face and describe them upon awakening. This person was in shadow and I never saw his face, even though in my dream, he was my companion/boyfriend. Perhaps this is simply a day-residue dream, since I was discussing my offshore sailing adventures on Saturday, but that's also quite a delay for a day-residue dream! Hmmm. And the color of the underwater world... has me mulling and confused. |
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November 2020
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