I should be thin, not fat
I should be out socializing, not at home alone. My room should be organized, not the opposite. I should be exercising, not inert. I should be strong, not weak. I should work more than I do. The painting that I've been meaning to hang for months should be up... Shall I go on with the myriad ways I struggle against What Is? These should be different than they are. Reality should not be as it is. It should be better. When things change, life will improve. Struggle. Fight against the current. Now should be different than it is. I swim in one direction as the current flows the other way. Who fights more? The current or me? Me. Who suffers more? The current or me? Definitely, Me. When I think all of these thoughts, that "it should be different than it is", I suffer. When I fight against what is Reality in the Now, I suffer. When I judge as "wrong" my Self, events, circumstances, Life... I suffer. Instead of embracing how Life is at This Very Moment and seeking the lesson or just floating downstream, I fight and struggle... and lose. What if it all is serving a grander purpose? What if it all brings me closer to my Highest Self? What if it all will help me manifest the change I seek? What if it all just IS? I am uncomfortable with this new person; she is the opposite of what I have been all my life. The evolution to something newer, quieter, introspective, still, withdrawn, is not what I am used to. I am attached to the shell and what I thought I was. I am attached to labels I have spent a lifetime creating. The gross majority of my identities are no longer applicable and it is terrifying. I fear that I will l remain this way, rather than return to my former self, or create a new, better self. But why can't I accept what I am right now. I hold to truth that all changes, so wouldn't it stand to reason that this self I am experiencing now will also change into some other self? How can it not? In all my power, even I am not immune to change and transformation and circumstances that ebb and flow. How can I focus on enjoying now and allowing? There is the answer, silly girl, focus on Now and Allow the rest to unfold. Allow who I Am now, enjoy this time of solitude, shrinking, stillness. Soon enough the bombast, expansiveness, and never-ending activity will return.
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CONFIDENCE WITHIN AND SMALL CROSSINGS by Deng Ming-Dao
"Usually, a pairing of hexagrams in the I Ching is seen as one being the “opposite” of the other. Or perhaps another way to think of it is that one is the “reverse” of the other. In this case, I believe these two particular hexagrams to be the inverse of one another. What is confidence? It’s the knowledge that you can cope with change—and that only comes with experience. So a book of divination is referring to your own inner divination. Confidence means that you can “predict the future” in that you know you can do what you say you’ll do. When a person can control their destiny to that degree, that is good fortune indeed. The inverse of that is when we cannot control where our lives go. Then only small crossings are possible. For the I Ching, a crossing, as in crossing a body of water, is the symbol of a great venture. Sometimes, we can only cross small streams rather than ford wide rivers or sail great seas. If you think about it, we can step across small streams because they fit our scale—but we are not always able to embark on great ventures. Then confidence doesn’t matter, because outer circumstance doesn’t favor us. That leaves us with this dilemma: how do we keep our confidence when conditions are unfavorable? That takes faith, and the patience to wait for cycles to turn our way again." I don't recall being taught that life would have ups and downs; that the upturns always lead to downturns, and v.v. I learned, through direct parental teaching or modeling or observation or cultural/social pressures, that "Life's a bitch and then you die" or everything in my life should always "be good" and I should always "be happy" or I have failed. Resultingly, I have always tried to be "on", and be "successful" and "up" in every area. If I wasn't happy, something was wrong. If I made a lot of money but didn't like my job, (which on one hand defined success, so unhappiness was okay), there was "something wrong" with me or my attitude. The "shoulds" continue: I should always have lots of energy, plenty of money, be a leader, have a large social circle, be very spiritual, meditate an hour per day, exercise daily, eat very little, be pretty, be thin, be happy whether I was broke (in heart, wallet, mind, or body) or prosperous ... Click "Read More" on the right |
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May 2021
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