The more I read and self-circumspect, the more realization I have that everything changes and even I change (in ways I was not planning on) and I need to accept those changes. My biggest struggle is being tired physically, emotionally, energetically (really, a universal fatigue) and feeling too much "ennui" as a result, to do anything either to align with the fatigue (positive: acceptance) or fight it (negative response: refusal of reality). So while I know exercise will make me feel better on all levels and increase my physical energy levels, I'm too damn tired to follow through on my intention to start running...bikram...cycling...walking to work...all of the above. And while I acknowledge that drinking increases the fatigue the next day and only brings temporary satisfaction, I feel at a loss for what else to do to numb the misery. Which leads to an understanding that when I numb the bad feelings, I also numb my ability to feel the good feelings and therefore I only speed up the vicious cycle. The downward spiral of energetic fatigue becomes a maelstrom of bad feelings, hence, depression. And there I am at the black bottom again, no light visible. I can't see a way out and don't have the energy to pull myself up from the depths even if I could see some light. So now what?
Once again, I return to the realization that if I am tired, I need to rest more. But without the numbing avoidant behaviors...how? I don't have the answer. If I am going through this phase of fatigue, how can I accept it and use it in a way that would be beneficial to my overall life and long-term health and happiness? I've always had an over-abundance of energy, and I was the Force of Change. I Acted On Things, not the opposite. I have not been at the receiving end before--so helpless. My Will and Determination seem to have left me as well. Maybe they were just too damn tired of being used to exhaustion. We'll see. I'm not sure what will happen. At this point, I still have enough conscious Me left to Try Again. Or Continue Trying. I'll read some more Brene Brown, who's message is currently speaking to me; I'll keep getting up early with the intention to exercise...yoga, Qi Gong, pranayama, walk, run, ride, Bikram, whether I do it or not; I'll keep writing and debating these thought that bring me down; I'll go to school everyday and do my best to give my best to my precious little people; and I'll get up determined to have a good day whether it ends with me as a heap on my bed dismembering my psyche and heart by tuning out and off with KDrama and some choco... or not.
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Once caught in the cycle of negativity, it's sooooo terrifically difficult to get out of that pattern. Taoism instructs me to master change; i.e., expect it, accept it, flow with it. Therefore I should be able to leap gracefully over the depressive suckage of quicksand, innately knowing "this too shall pass", because nothing remains the same. Yet, I feel blinded by these repeated dark spells and frequently find myself losing any hint of that godsdamn "light at the end of the tunnel". I am supposed to face these repeated challenges with my "essential nature intact", though somehow, like Pan's shadow moving independently, I seem to have lost that nature or the ability to hang on to it. Perhaps because I was hanging on to life so tightly to just survive, I had to let that go, or fall. Life finally seems to have had its fill with toying with Gina, and then No! Let's punch her in the face again and see if she can take another hit! Seriously, that's what the last 3 years have felt like. How many times can I get punched in the face before I am permanently disfigured though?! I pull myself up once again from the K.O. Punch, heal, recover, and start to think --foolishly--that life isn't so bad, everything's gonna be alright, and then BAM! Sucker Punched again! Am I on a pity pot sometimes? Well, hell yes! And is this missive full of pithy statements; bromides old over usage a thousand times? Yes, but I'm feeling pithy... pith...pit. Yes, so the words are perfectly coincidental to the Current Life of Gina. I have been torn down to the core (pith), my essential nature stripped and re-worked, I have been to the bottom (pit), and I am very literally working through WHO I AM again. The essential nature is there, but I can't find her, or I'd rely on her for strength. Now I'm seeing the direct results of stress, rather, I am feeling the direct results of stress. Like waking up to multiple texts about care issues related to my Dad. Now my chest is tight and it's difficult to breathe. The depression I felt 2015-16 almost killed me, but I survived. But now this. I can definitely and clearly see how stress and anxiety can kill a person. It is exhausting, as in, I wake up exhausted even after good sleep (and thank goddess a few good dreams lately). How does one live when they are continuously exhausted and anxious. Kava Extract has become my new BFF and Support System. Yes, I need more support, this is true. But how? Where? Who can I find to listen to my blather and throw me a pity-party or just LISTEN without judgement or advice-giving? Yes, I need the reminders of TAO, that the whirlpool eventually spits you out, quicksand can be avoided, and gravity doesn't always end in splat. I need reminders that my "inherent nature" CAN stay intact through these sucker punches. That if I allow everything to go on in life without struggle or resisting or fighting, my chest won't tighten and I can breath for one thing, and I'll survive and be okay.
Maybe. |
진아 吉娜 진아... is studying and practicing the philosophies Taoism, QiGong, Taiji, and Shaolin Kungfu. Archives
May 2021
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