I should be thin, not fat
I should be out socializing, not at home alone.
My room should be organized, not the opposite.
I should be exercising, not inert.
I should be strong, not weak.
I should work more than I do.
The painting that I've been meaning to hang for months should be up...
Shall I go on with the myriad ways I struggle against What Is?
These should be different than they are.
Reality should not be as it is.
It should be better.
When things change, life will improve.
Struggle. Fight against the current.
Now should be different than it is.
I swim in one direction as the current flows the other way.
Who fights more? The current or me? Me.
Who suffers more? The current or me? Definitely, Me.
When I think all of these thoughts, that "it should be different than it is", I suffer. When I fight against what is Reality in the Now, I suffer. When I judge as "wrong" my Self, events, circumstances, Life... I suffer. Instead of embracing how Life is at This Very Moment and seeking the lesson or just floating downstream, I fight and struggle... and lose. What if it all is serving a grander purpose? What if it all brings me closer to my Highest Self? What if it all will help me manifest the change I seek? What if it all just IS?
I am uncomfortable with this new person; she is the opposite of what I have been all my life. The evolution to something newer, quieter, introspective, still, withdrawn, is not what I am used to. I am attached to the shell and what I thought I was. I am attached to labels I have spent a lifetime creating. The gross majority of my identities are no longer applicable and it is terrifying. I fear that I will l remain this way, rather than return to my former self, or create a new, better self. But why can't I accept what I am right now. I hold to truth that all changes, so wouldn't it stand to reason that this self I am experiencing now will also change into some other self? How can it not? In all my power, even I am not immune to change and transformation and circumstances that ebb and flow.
How can I focus on enjoying now and allowing? There is the answer, silly girl, focus on Now and Allow the rest to unfold. Allow who I Am now, enjoy this time of solitude, shrinking, stillness. Soon enough the bombast, expansiveness, and never-ending activity will return.