11/13/16
The Uses of Sorrow (In my sleep I dreamed this poem) Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift. -Mary Oliver, Upstream
0 Comments
With what I understand about trauma, neurochemistry/biology, and how continuous stress/anxiety affect the brain, I have greater understanding and compassion for my poor self and all I've gone through. I also recognize how toxic US culture of guns/greed/capitalism/materialism has not just traumatized me, but our whole society, and especially our education/healthcare/social care (lack of) systems. "Remember "The Pit of Despair" (said with a hiss) from the Film: "The Princess Bride"? And "The Machine" that sucked all the life out of Westley? Well that's what I feel like at the end of today ...and most days like today… I feel like my life has been sucked for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a bad mood --nothing is wrong, it's just I put out so much Energy, physical, mental, emotional… I end up giving away so much energy that I have nothing left at the end of the day. This contributes to why I feel depressed. It's not abnormal; it's just that I've got other issues that are making it impossible to cope with all the energy suckage. If I was in optimal health--physically, emotionally--I would be able to handle the strain. But since I don't have any energy to exercise, I don't have a way to deal with the stress. Since I can't deal with the stress, I get down. And since I don't have any energy to do anything I enjoy, I don't have a way to emotionally pick myself up and get out of the down and the stress. And so, at the end of the day, I have nothing. So if you're wondering what the problem is… That's it. "When I scaled a 10 meter wall - over a year ago - in Korea, , I knew I could do anything, conquer any fear. Somehow, Asshole beat that out of me and I am at the opposite end of the spectrum, feeling powerless and like a failure at everything. My decisions and actions the past few years, of course, have decided part of this course, but the Todd situation was really the last straw in breaking my spirit and psyche. I've realized a lot in the last year, don't know if it's too late or not; the strongest desire in me right now is to leave -- ha ha- as usual. that's what I do right? But maybe if I start climbing again, I'll get some of my will and spirit back, I'll get back some power and build up my inner force. If I can climb a 30 ft wall, I can do anything right? -Me, October 5, 2016 Even the body must forget when saying "Goodbye" to a Love:
Eyes must forget that person's face, Ears must forget that person's voice, Mind must forget that person's name, Heart must forget that I have ever loved that person. Memory, bring it on I can face you-- Love, and other demons You still haunt me Five years of echoes Shouldn’t have opened it...
Pictures. Letters… your face is so clear before me. How is such that one melody can rip your heart out I mean, there is no breath that can enter There is only physical pain and desire so strong Even breathing hurts I could stand still in time This is why I hold my breath To never move another moment Remain lost in this memory and never move forward Suspend me time in that photograph with you I’ll never leave that moment And I’ll never breathe again No desire to move forward or to go back Just hold my breath and stay Like being underwater It all stops No light No dark No sound Remember recall Breathe again and I’m back For what Shouldn’t have opened this...
The posts I wrote on Facebook last year at this time are really freaking me out. I can't believe how scared I was of him. He would make passive-aggressive, not to mention passive-aggressive and threatening,
Post from 3/9/2015 Feeling the fear Blows my mind how people justify being cold, heartless. How can you blame another when you are verbal abusive. Of course, in these situations it's dangerous to stand up for yourself. Suffer and fume in silence. Practice deep breathing and meditation. Complain to FB. ;-)
I don't feel like anyone (that I know) understands what I'm going through and how I feel; how I perceive the future. I try to stay positive, but when I can't find employment to support me, or, the jobs that are available suck so much that I'd rather be homeless than do them... Well, life doesn't look or feel good from this spot of not being able to feel secure and safe. And I don not feel safe or secure in any aspect of my life. When you can't provide for your basic needs, when you can't get work, when your money just dwindles toward nothing, it just all feels so hopeless and like it's never going to change.
There is the option for me to move abroad again, of course. This being a viable, enviable, and fantastic choice, but I want to move abroad after I re-build some security in my life, my heart; emotionally, physically, financially. I don't want to leave out of desperation because I can't find work here. I want to be on solid ground, so that when I take the next jump, I will have leapt from a firm foundation and so have adequate lift to fly across the chasm and land strongly on the other side. In my current state of mind, heart, spirit, and physic, it does not matter where I go, my broken self will accompany me, and that's not the way I want to begin a transition abroad. It is not the smart way to move overseas either. New cultures and geographies bring a large amount of stress from adaptation; not necessarily a negative stress, but the stress of necessary change occurs to anyone moving abroad. I feel alone, and moving to another country will intensify that. It's not a solitude of choice or freedom, or a I-need-love kind of loneliness. It's the soul-starving kind that comes from lack of connection, lack of vitality, lack of purpose. It's the aloneness that comes from the ong-term struggle of trying to survive, of barely getting by, of feeling so desperate and living in fear for too long. For too long. Everything is out of focus in this dark tunnel, where the light has just gotten farther and farther distant, where every turn I have made was the wrong one, and where I just travel deeper and deeper into hopelessness. I have had so much success in my life; I have followed every dream, achieved all the important goals, done what I have wanted. Now, I can't seem to get any of that success back. My only desire is to survive and make enough money so I don't have to live like a pauper or beg off friends or family. That's no kind of life for someone such as myself. Then, I think that perhaps this all a lesson to help me grow and evolve. But does it have to take years? Yes, I have learned so much in the past few years. I have made so many mistakes. I've learned aspects of myself, as I look in the mirror of my Self, that have been painful to see. Awareness is there, it has slapped me hard in the face. I know how much I screwed up because I am living the results. But it feels like I'm not going to be given another chance to fix, change, or grow. It seems like my situation will just go on and on and on, and I am destined to a life of struggle and suffering. I certainly understand why people commit suicide. When you feel like this, it doesn't feel like a life is worth all the trouble and pain. Definitely for years and years of suffering after having lived a great and wondrous life. Anyhoo, the point of my rambling morass of miserable explications is that I am considering a move back to Korea. I can't get a job here. Well, that's not entirely true. I can work at jobs I hate that will allow me to barely scrape by. There are also wonderful teaching jobs available in progressive schools, where I would love, love, love to teach and work. Unfortunately, their pay scale provides subsistence level living as well. You can't live in Austin on two grand a month anymore. Then there's that little thing about need health care now and again, and of course, needing surgery to repair my meniscus, which isn't going to happen here either. I am completely disinterested in living a life of financial struggle and scraping by. On the other hand, I can't sell my soul and work in a job I hate to make enough money either (like teaching in the public school system). My Light is already so quenched; to work at a job I hate would be tantamount to suicide, but much slower. As I mentioned, I don't really want to move abroad right now, but don't feel like I have any choice. I can get work I enjoy in another country, that pays really well, and offers excellent––so far above America's––benefits. I'm just so tired and beaten down and worn out from moving so much, starting over, and job hunting. It's so very exhausting, seeking work. I know you probably do not understand, but EVERYTHING feels like a struggle right now, and I just don't have the energy anymore. I am worn out, life has exhausted me, and the fire of energy and go-get-'em in me is quenched. I suppose I'm trying to talk myself into moving back to Korea. It's going to be a hassle, it's not going to be easy, but I've got to do something. I've got to get a job or die. Literally. In America, there is no help for someone such as myself: well-educated, highly intelligent, talented, hard-working, strong drive and desire to work, no children. I can't get state help, I can't get unemployment. So basically, someone such as me would get put out on the streets if I can't get a job and pay rent. Sickeningly unfunny isn't it? If I had kids or got pregnant I could get welfare and Medicaid and health care. But because I have no children, I get no help. Tough luck! No job, no money, the streets for you! Hopefully, I will pass my last two state certification exams in the next two weeks, get certified, and get a job and everything will turn around. Maslow's Hierarchy holds true: Until I have safety and security and get my physiological needs met, I can't feel connected or competent. Until I am connected to others and fulfill my need to be competent in life and work, I can't enjoy aesthetic needs of creativity or play. I can't focus on growth and positive-thinking without a way to sustain myself. I can't focus on anything good or positive while I'm just trying to survive, get by, and make it through each day. I guess it's time to go back to Korea. Or somewhere. |
Life.There is fiction. There is life. What is the difference? My WritingAll rights reserved. No part of this website may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by and information storage and retrieval system, without prior written permission from the author. Archives
August 2021
Categories
All
|