With what I understand about trauma, neurochemistry/biology, and how continuous stress/anxiety affect the brain, I have greater understanding and compassion for my poor self and all I've gone through. I also recognize how toxic US culture of guns/greed/capitalism/materialism has not just traumatized me, but our whole society, and especially our education/healthcare/social care (lack of) systems.
"Remember "The Pit of Despair" (said with a hiss) from the Film: "The Princess Bride"? And "The Machine" that sucked all the life out of Westley? Well that's what I feel like at the end of today ...and most days like today… I feel like my life has been sucked for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a bad mood --nothing is wrong, it's just I put out so much Energy, physical, mental, emotional… I end up giving away so much energy that I have nothing left at the end of the day. This contributes to why I feel depressed. It's not abnormal; it's just that I've got other issues that are making it impossible to cope with all the energy suckage. If I was in optimal health--physically, emotionally--I would be able to handle the strain. But since I don't have any energy to exercise, I don't have a way to deal with the stress. Since I can't deal with the stress, I get down. And since I don't have any energy to do anything I enjoy, I don't have a way to emotionally pick myself up and get out of the down and the stress. And so, at the end of the day, I have nothing. So if you're wondering what the problem is… That's it.
"When I scaled a 10 meter wall - over a year ago - in Korea, , I knew I could do anything, conquer any fear. Somehow, Asshole beat that out of me and I am at the opposite end of the spectrum, feeling powerless and like a failure at everything. My decisions and actions the past few years, of course, have decided part of this course, but the Todd situation was really the last straw in breaking my spirit and psyche. I've realized a lot in the last year, don't know if it's too late or not; the strongest desire in me right now is to leave -- ha ha- as usual. that's what I do right? But maybe if I start climbing again, I'll get some of my will and spirit back, I'll get back some power and build up my inner force. If I can climb a 30 ft wall, I can do anything right?
-Me, October 5, 2016
There is fiction. There is life. What is the difference?
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