I don't feel like anyone (that I know) understands what I'm going through and how I feel; how I perceive the future. I try to stay positive, but when I can't find employment to support me, or, the jobs that are available suck so much that I'd rather be homeless than do them... Well, life doesn't look or feel good from this spot of not being able to feel secure and safe. And I don not feel safe or secure in any aspect of my life. When you can't provide for your basic needs, when you can't get work, when your money just dwindles toward nothing, it just all feels so hopeless and like it's never going to change.
There is the option for me to move abroad again, of course. This being a viable, enviable, and fantastic choice, but I want to move abroad after I re-build some security in my life, my heart; emotionally, physically, financially. I don't want to leave out of desperation because I can't find work here. I want to be on solid ground, so that when I take the next jump, I will have leapt from a firm foundation and so have adequate lift to fly across the chasm and land strongly on the other side. In my current state of mind, heart, spirit, and physic, it does not matter where I go, my broken self will accompany me, and that's not the way I want to begin a transition abroad. It is not the smart way to move overseas either. New cultures and geographies bring a large amount of stress from adaptation; not necessarily a negative stress, but the stress of necessary change occurs to anyone moving abroad.
I feel alone, and moving to another country will intensify that. It's not a solitude of choice or freedom, or a I-need-love kind of loneliness. It's the soul-starving kind that comes from lack of connection, lack of vitality, lack of purpose. It's the aloneness that comes from the ong-term struggle of trying to survive, of barely getting by, of feeling so desperate and living in fear for too long. For too long. Everything is out of focus in this dark tunnel, where the light has just gotten farther and farther distant, where every turn I have made was the wrong one, and where I just travel deeper and deeper into hopelessness.
I have had so much success in my life; I have followed every dream, achieved all the important goals, done what I have wanted. Now, I can't seem to get any of that success back. My only desire is to survive and make enough money so I don't have to live like a pauper or beg off friends or family. That's no kind of life for someone such as myself. Then, I think that perhaps this all a lesson to help me grow and evolve. But does it have to take years? Yes, I have learned so much in the past few years. I have made so many mistakes. I've learned aspects of myself, as I look in the mirror of my Self, that have been painful to see. Awareness is there, it has slapped me hard in the face. I know how much I screwed up because I am living the results. But it feels like I'm not going to be given another chance to fix, change, or grow. It seems like my situation will just go on and on and on, and I am destined to a life of struggle and suffering. I certainly understand why people commit suicide. When you feel like this, it doesn't feel like a life is worth all the trouble and pain. Definitely for years and years of suffering after having lived a great and wondrous life.
Anyhoo, the point of my rambling morass of miserable explications is that I am considering a move back to Korea. I can't get a job here. Well, that's not entirely true. I can work at jobs I hate that will allow me to barely scrape by. There are also wonderful teaching jobs available in progressive schools, where I would love, love, love to teach and work. Unfortunately, their pay scale provides subsistence level living as well. You can't live in Austin on two grand a month anymore. Then there's that little thing about need health care now and again, and of course, needing surgery to repair my meniscus, which isn't going to happen here either. I am completely disinterested in living a life of financial struggle and scraping by. On the other hand, I can't sell my soul and work in a job I hate to make enough money either (like teaching in the public school system). My Light is already so quenched; to work at a job I hate would be tantamount to suicide, but much slower.
As I mentioned, I don't really want to move abroad right now, but don't feel like I have any choice. I can get work I enjoy in another country, that pays really well, and offers excellent––so far above America's––benefits. I'm just so tired and beaten down and worn out from moving so much, starting over, and job hunting. It's so very exhausting, seeking work. I know you probably do not understand, but EVERYTHING feels like a struggle right now, and I just don't have the energy anymore. I am worn out, life has exhausted me, and the fire of energy and go-get-'em in me is quenched.
I suppose I'm trying to talk myself into moving back to Korea. It's going to be a hassle, it's not going to be easy, but I've got to do something. I've got to get a job or die. Literally. In America, there is no help for someone such as myself: well-educated, highly intelligent, talented, hard-working, strong drive and desire to work, no children. I can't get state help, I can't get unemployment. So basically, someone such as me would get put out on the streets if I can't get a job and pay rent. Sickeningly unfunny isn't it? If I had kids or got pregnant I could get welfare and Medicaid and health care. But because I have no children, I get no help. Tough luck! No job, no money, the streets for you!
Hopefully, I will pass my last two state certification exams in the next two weeks, get certified, and get a job and everything will turn around.
Maslow's Hierarchy holds true: Until I have safety and security and get my physiological needs met, I can't feel connected or competent. Until I am connected to others and fulfill my need to be competent in life and work, I can't enjoy aesthetic needs of creativity or play. I can't focus on growth and positive-thinking without a way to sustain myself. I can't focus on anything good or positive while I'm just trying to survive, get by, and make it through each day.
I guess it's time to go back to Korea. Or somewhere.
There is fiction. There is life. What is the difference?
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