Act as if, act as if.
Live from the end result.
Visualize and imagine.
I'm trying, I'm trying! I lay in bed last night, imagining my reaction to the "You're hired" phone call from Sudbury. This morning, during my normal routine of reading something inspirational/journaling, I let out a loud yell of "Yes!" just like I will do when I get the "You're hired" call. That felt good!
I keep thinking I will be happier when life is more secure and more settled; when I get "this job" and my financial stress ends (or is alleviated with a regular and adequate salary), and when I have $$$ to buy a vehicle and move into my own place. I will feel organized and have a "purpose" and stop feeling like I'm just moving through each day in survival mode/fear mode/dread mode/depressed mode/life sucks mode... I'll feel like I can do things again without fear of $$ or time or whatever.
What I've realized is that I have to live from that feeling now, I can't spend another week with the Pendulum of Waiting swinging over my life; controlling me. That's the main issue: I don't know what's going to happen and it's driving me nuts! I feel like I'm stuck in this Muck of Waiting to start life while I wait for the "right job" to start. I guess I just need to start life. I need to live from the happiness now. Yes, yes, yes, this has been drilled into my head and spirit over and over, but it doesn't hit home til it's needed, I guess...
... So what if I don't get the job, and I'm stuck subbing for AISD for pauper's wages, and stuck in my current residence, and stuck without transportation, and just stuck? Well, it doesn't mean I can't run, lift weights, and do yoga. It doesn't mean I can't study every day and prep for my state exams. It doesn't mean I can't spend time with friends. Maybe I cant' spend $$ when I'm socializing, buy clothes, or move, or that I can't get a motorcycle. I can do the other things that move me forward. And it's all only temporary, right? If I can take my exams and get my certification, I'll have a good paying job in no time--even if it is working in our horrid, coercive, public so-called education system. If I can start living from the perspective of being happy in the present moment, accepting life as it is right now, and as my good friend Katie reminded me recently, stop resisting, maybe everything will just flow like it's supposed to, turn out okay, and I'll have what I want and be where I want and need to be, soon. Maybe I should stop struggling, fighting, and resisting everything in my life right now. I've been fighting to get a job, resisting injuries, fighting to stay afloat $$$, resisting where I live, resisting working as an AISD sub, resisting my savings dwindling and dwindling, resisting conflict with family and friends, resisting the release of my anger and resentment toward Jerkoff T.L., resisting resisting resisting resisting resisting resisting resisting resisting resisting resisting resisting resisting... get it?
It sure as heck ain't making anything better! And I can't say there is no prosperity flowing into my life, because I got paid for my second trial week at Sudbury, sold Jerk's bed frame, got a $45 Sprout gift card, and am trying to sell my bike... sooooo... I will stop fighting the present and work on accepting the present.
Didn't I learn this lesson already?