Uncomfortable in My Body - A Lifelong Struggle

This was posted in our group forum yesterday: 

I saw myself in the mirror and stared back at this fit body ...
I actually found myself looking hot and slim!! It never happens ... 
once people start commenting and telling me how good I look, I unravel ... 
[how to] get to the bottom of that behaviour??

I wanted to respond to this because **SNAP** this convo topic  is a trigger, but I needed to leave it alone last night.  I came back to it a few times, but decided it was too much to look at before bedtime! Part of me has always been the center of attention, and craved that. But part of me has been insecure and shy, though no one would ever know it because I come off as strong, confident and secure (until the last few years with weight gain).  I've always attracted a lot of male attention too, and I feel very, very ambivalent about it... part of me loves it, and then it shuts down the introvert side of me.  For my first 45 years I was very extroverted, a fiery, dominant, leader-type; the introvert side was pushed down and away.  But now my introvert side has surfaced and overtakes my personality.  Some of this is age, some of it is trauma and resulting weight gain and stress from both. Part of the psychology of my weight gain (history and patterns) is to avoid social situations and intimacy (physical and emotional).  When I "feel" fat (gain weight, dislike my body, low self-esteem, etc.) I will avoid social situations and especially dating.  This can be from a 10-lb gain (battled on and off) or the more-recent 20-30 lbs of the last 5 years. I really relate my worth and confidence and value from how I look, thanks to a Critical Mother, enforced by Culture and Society, and having heard it for 40 years, over and over again, these destructive tapes play in my own head now, with my own voice.  To speak frankly, I don't have any hang-ups about sex and sexuality (re: sexiness), but there is a cognitive dissonance and thought-contradiction deep within: I want the attention and yet it makes me very uncomfortable at the same time. My value based on looks has been re-affirmed throughout my life, so that now, at age 51 and 35 lbs. overweight, I feel like a troll and transfer that to everyone else and assume they look at me and judge me as I judge myself.  This is TMI, but yw. It's a tough issue to feel comfortable in a body that everyone sexualizes.  One of the reasons I gain weight (I've learned) is part of me is rebelling against that commodification and objectification.  Damn you people of society, see me for the intelligent, creative, amazing person I am, not for how I look or how much I weigh or my age! I don't know if that touches on your discomfort.  I feel that "unraveling" too.  Can't someone look at me RIGHT NOW and say, "Damn, you're hot!" or "You look great" while I'm 35 lbs. fatter.  But hell no, there are no compliments unless you are thin and pretty and it makes me SOOOOO ANGRYYYYYYY! :rage: :rage: :rage: I have lots of F words in my head right now!!

I know I've been hired because of my looks and I admit to using it to my advantage.  I regret that I have continued to value my BEING and my Body on weight and looks, because I am so diminished from that lifelong pattern (started in my teens when my Mother taught me my value came from my long blonde hair, being thin, being pretty and receiving more love when I looked a certain way and behaved a certain way).  This is one of the patterns I am trying to end with fasting.  And yeah, I've been in therapy on and off for years for body-image, self-esteem, mother issues, eating disorders, etc. I want to befriend my body again, and appreciate it as it is, and be grateful that it has survived all the abuse I've put it through and all the toxic environments it has been in and all the injuries and illness it has come through. I want to value my Self without the condition that I look a certain way.  I know all of this is contigent upon being healthy and self-thoughts.  I know this is contigent upon exercizing regularly because that makes me feel good emotionally and physically, and empowers me and my body. When I am healthy and active, I naturally feel good and enjoy my body, and my weight is normalized. 

I can't dissociate from my body, but at the same time I want my esteem and confidence to separate from my physical looks and emanate outward from my soul, my Inner Self, the untouchable light that is Me and perfect just as I am.  That's woowoo, but yw! And when I am in alignment with health and healthy thinking and emotional well-being, then when people say "Oh you look good," or "Oh you are so hot," I can understand that's their perspective and Not Take It Personally (from The Four Agreements, written by don Miguel Ruiz), because whether someone compliments me or insults me, that's all about THEM and where they are in their life--their opinions aren't about me... and when someone compliments me, I can remember for myself and maybe even remind them that I am this amazing, intelligent, creative, successful woman and much, much more than my looks, body, weight, or age.  Then, I will already be feeling comfy in my body and I can say "Thanks" without taking it to heart, putting much emphasis on it, or having it feed the false ego/false self-esteem. This is the emotional aspect of fasting for me. So yeah, this is a heavy topic and thanks for sharing and being vulnerable and ooops, I totally hijacked your post, but I could finally be present this morning with the feelings it brought up for me, as well as with the accompanying memories it brought up, too.  Yes, good topic for our focus group!

My response: