Last night was the second night in a row that I slept through the night without interruption! I am so grateful! It's like a miracle! My hormones must be re-aligning! I can't even remember the last time I slept through the night without awakening multiple times. I think it must have been in Australia, prior to hot flash onset. That's another thing for which I am grateful: my hot flashes have completely ceased! If I only had to suffer those for 2 months, I am the luckiest woman in the world! I have heard women complain of their many years of suffering with hot flashes and insomnia due to menopause; my symptoms started late January and ended i few weeks back in mid-March! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I credited codeine for my first night of uninterrupted sleep, but I didn't need any yesterday for my ankle and still, I enjoyed a second full night of sleep. Oh, it is beauteous! If you have ever suffered insomnia, you now how precious a full 8 hours can be! I have to admit I am feeling sorry for myself today, which is why I am hoping this Gratitude and Intention Post will help. Stepping in a hole on Monday, right as we had begun work on the garden, really brought me down physically and emotionally. This always seems to happen when I am making strides toward health — be it physical, mental, or emotional health! I am pissed! On the upside, I researched physical therapy for ankle injuries so I have a list of exercises I can do to heal quickly and I will order an ankle brace so I can start walking again. But damnit, I suppose I need to do some writing about these injuries and try to figure out what is behind them, subconsciously or emotionally.
Anyhooha, today is a Fasting Day, so I intend to do my best at not eating until tomorrow, which will be a good 36-42 hours if I can keep it up. It’s not the hunger that gets to me; rather, it’s boredom and frustration and despair. These are the feelings that always get me! On the other hand, I am grateful that I can walk, that I found rehabilitation exercises, and that I am in a lovely setting with lovely people. I am also grateful to have discovered IF and that I have the will to do it! I am also grateful that I found a way to sit relatively comfortably so I could practice pranayama this morning: kapalabhati, bhastrika, and nadi shodanham.
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All my recent posts on this page have been gratitude posts, even though not necessarily denoted as such. I’ve felt a surge of gratitude almost daily, whether expressed in written form here or not; all I have to do is sit outside on the porch a moment. Look and listen. I’ve been overflowing with gratitude toward my friend, for spending time here on her farm is the most healing time I’ve experienced in years. I’ve also been grateful for my personal fasting experience. Both have been so transformational. These last two weeks—three weeks on Wednesday—have been so calming and relaxing: for the first time in over five years, I finally feel free of stress and fear. My nervous system* is re-setting; it is no longer pummeling through Fight-or-Flight mode. This release began in the ashram, but culminated here, because of the setting. For instance, as I sit and write this, a pair of Bluebirds is building up their nest not 4 meters from where I sit on the porch! After so many years fighting the effects of PTSD and stress, I strongly note their absence. I was slowly regaining some of my emotional resilience when I moved to China, and my nervous system was settling down. But the stress of living in China combined with working at a horrible job was too much, and I lapsed back into anxiety and depression. I also experienced several traumatic events while I was living in China, which didn’t help: my Dad died the third week after my arrival, I fell and broke my arm, I had numerous severe respiratory infections because of the air pollution, work was bad enough that it had become traumatic, and I experienced a hiking emergency while hiking alone in the mountains of Kham, Tibet. All the progress I made to recover from PTSD, MDD, and GAD, unraveled during those 15 months in Chengdu! I thought a sabbatical from teaching, spent relaxing in and touring Australia, would help, but the isolation there was too much and I didn’t get the social connection I needed to help me recover emotionally. My emotional side definitely has shown itself capable of overwhelming my physical self most of the time. Therefore, I definitely did not bounce back and heal the way I had hoped. But here at the farm, what I feel now, here on the farm, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, is so healing and refreshing! I am experiencing the physical sensations of living without stress, or rather, an absence of all the physical sensations of living with stress, anxiety, and a hormonal system run-amok with stress hormones. I am sleeping better, eating better, feeling better, smiling more, laughing more, and feeling more empowered and positive about the future. As for fasting, I am so grateful to my friend for the book she lent me on fasting, by Stephen Harrod Buhner; it opened completely a new door that was previously only shining light through cracks! Finally, not a new diet, but a new pathway to heal my relationship with food and with my body! I am confident that this will be one of the great transformations in my life! There is so much to write about and express, but I’ve done that in other posts. I’ll just state that I am truly grateful to be in the midst of the process to change how I eat, increasing knowledge of physiological pathways of hormones related to hunger and health, and of improving my current and future health status! *By "nervous system", I am referring to neural pathways that change or are created as a response to stress and anxiety; physical manifestions of anxiety, depression, and PTSD (light and sound sensitivities, lethargy, insomnia, etc.); emotional manifestions (worry, stress, withdrawal, despair, isolation, compulsive eating/drinking, etc.); and mental manifestions in the form of thoughts that are uncontrollable (repetitive, fearful, negative, depressive, suicidal ideation, etc.).
I'm starting a fasting diet today; I'm just sick of being overweight and unhealthy--not engaging in life because I hate how I look and feel. I'm grateful that I have taken care of myself for most of my life and have been athletic, because I am convinced that is what has held me together during these last years of health decline. All the yoga and running and cycling, all the mind training and inner emotional work... if I had not had all of that to prop me up since 2015, I know I would not still be around; i.e., spoken plainly: alive. I started doing weekly fasts when I lived at the Himalayan Institute yoga ashram back in 2007-ish. I did those on and off for years and am grateful I did; those fasts are one of the causitive factors allowing a baseline level of health maintenance from that time through the present. It also gives me a knowledge base of the science and background of the fasting I will begin today. Today I will start a two-day juice fast to kickstart a two-week period of low-calorie fasting followed by a 5:2 plan fast, based on "The Fast 800" by Dr. Michael Mosley. I have some tests coming up on Friday that I have to fast overnight for anyway, so I thought I would go ahead and start early to clean out my system. I have been eating like crap, overeating, and drinking too much, so it's time for extreme measures! However, the fasting is only extreme in calorie amounts, because beyond that it's based on the "Mediterranean Diet", which is quite healthy, and how I tend to eat anyway, when I am healthy and exercising and being mindul of my nutrition intake. The Mediterranean Diet is simply cutting out simple carbs and sugars and eating more veggies, fruit, healthy fats, and complex carbs, along with protein. It's old school and it's a healthy way to eat. The Fast 800 is an 800 kcal short-term version of that diet, focusing on higher protein amounts to stave hunger. I'll eat 800 kcals on the Med Diet for at least two weeks and then switch to the 5:2 plan. The doc only recommends fasting up to 8 weeks depending on weight loss needed. I'll see how I feel at the end of the first two weeks, but can't imagine continuing for more than 4 weeks total; I only need to lose 30-35 pounds ("only"? Aaack! What the hell happened and how the hell did I let this happen?! Stress and trauma, that's how!). The 5:2 version included a fasting calorie intake of 800 calories, but for only two days out of each week. The other "5" of the 5:2 is healthy, moderate eating, Med style. Once I've kickstarted weight loss and have some confidence and energy increases, then I'll resume my former healthy habit of fasting once per week, but I'll skip the juice fasting, because it's so high in sugar, and stick with the fasting suggestions of Mosley's plan, 500-800 kcals for 1-2 days each week. I'm also considering a broth/juice fast for 3 days every 3-4 weeks, but that is further down the line. I've had a lot of health issues that I have never, ever had to face in my life and the situation is terrifying and depressing. To go from a healthy athlete to a decrepit person with no energy or will power has been very discouraging. It's also a vicious cycle: all the good habits I need to do--and used to do-- I have no energy for, and my discipline has diminished with my energy level. The only thing that will save me and reverse this whole process is exercising daily and losing weight. Both of those will help me emotionally and mentally, to follow the other steps I need to take to get my emotional self back in order and start prioritizing self-care. Today is Day 1, and I'll keep at 800 kcals during my liquid fast of juice, tea, coffee, and doenjang borth (miso). Oh, but I am using 3/4 c. of light soymilk for my coffee so I don't go insane and lose motivation. But I will slowly switch back to tea and give up the coffee over the next few weeks or month. I don't need it, just got back in the bad habit of drinking coffee every morning, instead of my healthy, Chinese, whole-leaf black teas! I joined a new yoga studio a few days ago, so I'm eager to get my yoga practice back on track. I also intend to change some of my habits that have contributed to a sedentary lifestyle and decreased energy and mood. I will start taking walks at night, instead of watching a movie and zombie-eating (eating in front of the screen like a brain-dead person). I'll also get a lot more activity with yoga classes because I'll ride my bike to and from the studio! I can do it! |
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