My Body said, "Wake up!" at 4:50am, so here I am.
I am feeling much better than yesterday, so the deonjang broth with ghee must have done the trick--either that or I just needed to sit it out and wait for the misery to pass. That is interesting: I felt an intrinsic pull to just work through the discomfort rather than break the fast. To be clear, I wanted the discomfort I was feeling to go away ASAP, so I took a long, hot, epsom salt bath; remained in bed to rest; and took an aspirin; but I did not believe the old thoughts that eating (break the fast) was going to relieve the discomfort. In past fasts, I immediately skittered over to the thought that breaking the fast would remedy whatever mental/emotional/physical discomfort I was experiencing at that moment. During this--my third EF--it took me several hours to even consider broth as a temporary fix to get me over the hump, and I was only looking for a solution that would keep my on my fast, rather than a way to break it! VICTORY! The complete surprise is my lack of desire to eat at all. I mean, even when I have thought about food: yes it would taste good, but no, I don't want it. Such a departure from the last EFs! The physical and emotional hunger is gone! Well, that is not entirely true: I still have rumbles of hungry, but I am past being bothered by them. My decision to stick to the fast is stronger than the physical sensation, which passes bery quickly anyway. Willpower! Moving deeper, I really don't want to deal with eating or food, and much of this has to do with what a problem they have been for me most of my adult life. It's so much easier to fast and not eat than it is to deal with my old behavior patterns and emotional desires. I am willing to face them eventually, and have been doing just that during the down-time of my fast; however, I am working through those issues in my head and "on paper", as I write, rather than physically having to face the specific 3-D challenge of eating small amounts without the past feelings of restriction and deprivation. But the fast gives me time to work through those mental and emotional challenges in my head. In fact, I can confront my concepts and feelings about eating much more easily than when I am actually eating each day! I've given much thought to a new approach to food, and picked apart these feelings I have when forced to eat smaller amounts after a fast. I really, really, really do not want to feel the physical discomfort I felt after my last fast due to eating too much. I really want to listen to my body's messages, befriend it, and allow it to guide me. I want to accept mentally that a tiny amount of food will satiate, and when I am hungry again, I will heed that message. I want to feel SAFE. The part of me that wants to eat needs to know that it will get more food, it will receive the food it desires, and it is free to enjoy that food. I want to see eating times as a tactical maneuver: the function of eating is to fuel my body; the food is to enjoy. I really want to feel nourished physically--not emotionally--by the food. Food does make my body feel good, and I do receive emotional enjoyment from eating, but it no longer needs to be my sole source of enjoyment, nor my go to for comfort and pain avoidance. The incredible aspect of fasting is this down-time and space it gives me. Longer EFs force me to turn inward and investigate my thoughts and feelings. It allows me to open and be receptive to my body's messages and my mind's thoughts; clearing the way for thoughts to move forward into conscious awareness. Fasting allows me to feel--fully--emotions arising in my body, and feelings emerging from my heart and soul. I feel more sensitive, more open, and actually, more happy! On shorter fasts, I'm still fully engaged in life and busy work. There is no retreat for my soul or heart as I remain immersed in daily tasks. I also tend to think about food more: what's my next meal going to be...what foods do I want...when can I eat again? The shorter fasts seem to drive my food obsession while the long fast eliminates it and drives me inward. Without those thoughts of eating taking up so much space, there is room for deeper feelings/concepts to emerge. I only receive these benefits during a longer fast. I value this experience because it is truly transformational. Now I grasp why Buhner titled his book: "The Transformational Power of Fasting"! I am starting to have greater awareness with feelings. I am starting to accept that they will ebb and flow just like hunger growlings. When I am in the midst of emotional chaos caused by stressful events, and my emotional resilience is non-existence, I can't see beyond what's happening or the pain I am feeling--I can't see that the circumstances will pass, and that the pain will also pass. I can only see that I want the pain to end, and I want it to end NOW. Fasting is teaching me to deal with the uncomfortable physical sensations of hunger, other discomforts, and to face my fears and other uncomfortable emotions that in the past, have been to much to bear. I have learned that all the discomfort I experience during a fast will pass. This can be extrapolated to uncomfortable and painful emotions. It all passes. As I learn to sit, be aware of my body, listen to its messages, and allow, allow, allow, I can translate that to events in life that cause pain or fear. I can sit in the fear; fully experience it, allow, allow, allow, accept, then let it go. All the avoidance with food only put it off for another day. The pain always returned, and worse, because I was just procastinating to avoid the feelings. The feelings were always still present and waiting for me to come out of my food coma. I really want to be kind to myself: physically, emotionally, mentally. I want my Emergency First Responder to any stressful event to be Kindness to Self. I can be kind to myself by allowing my feelings, accepting the situation or feelings, and then letting it all go and working toward a solution while continuing self-kindes. I especially want to be kind to my body, which has supported me these 51.5 years and survived all of the abuse I've put it through. My body keeps bouncing back and I am grateful to it! I want to honor my body with the food I give it. I want to nourish it and keep it healthy. I want to create new pathways in my brain that overlay negative thinking; the new pathways will replace old pathways with positive thinking and habits. I can change the neural grooves that have been reinforced with self-destructive thoughts and behavior patterns. I can change my behavior! I am re-empowered! Fasting has led me back to my original self: the healthy, happy, empowered one. Fasting removes cuts through the BS and uncovers the True Me that has been buried under negative thinking and coping mechanisms. This is why I love these longer EFs, they are truly healing for my heart and mind and body!
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