Another Day 1: Feelings, Fear, Setbacks, Successes. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!
What was a “tough” week, turned into two! I have experienced a lot of feelings during and since my last EF of 7 days, which ended April 27. My intention was to rebuild for 4 days, with a gentle refeed followed by TRE 12-6pm with OMAD or 2MAD, keto/LCHF. However, I could not control my fixation on eating and food during those four days, and went into my next fast--which was another planned EF of 7 days-- unprepared mentally or emotionally to stop eating. I lasted 44 hours (still a big win!) and decided to eat a few more days. I realized I was experiencing intense feelings that accompany thoughts of lack, deprivation, and restriction associated with eating and food. I didn’t know how to deal with these and no one really broached these topics in the focus groups*, and so I felt rather alone in my suffering and wasn’t sure how to reach out.
Sidebar: Several people have since brought up the struggles they are experiencing with feelings that come up during a fast—which is natural and part of the process—though others want to shut that type of talk right down and keep the groups mainlining on behavior and solutions without delving deeper into emotional motivations or needs. Luckily, a small group has fought toward the surface, broken the ice, and asked for more support in this area. TFM, being the responsive, empathetic creation it is, has responded!
Well, it took me two weeks of avoidance, eating—LOL avoidance eating!!!-- and getting completely off-track by gradually eating outside of my TRE, reducing my fasting hours more and more until I was only fasting while asleep and a few hours into the day, drinking some wine, and finally, getting back into the dreaded sugar... blah blah blah self-derision with bouts of self-compassion... and I finally realized what was going on and how to stop it! I didn’t reach out for help in the forums* because I needed empathy—I needed to feel heard and listened to!--not fixed or invalidated, and that’s what I thought would happen to a certain degree which yes, I know that is incorrect on many levels and a gross generalization, so I just kept to myself until I figured out what the hell was going on inside me and what to do about it. The focus group on Saturday helped me so much when a few other people started discussing their desperation during their upwelling of feelings, which made me realize: I am not alone! Thank goodness! In the meantime, I gained weight and felt physically miserable because my body now gives me what feels like an allergic reaction when I eat sugar, overeat, or drink more than one small glass of wine! On the upside, my mind figured out what I should face during dream-time and several fights with insomnia. Frequently, I will dream, or awaken from a deep, dream-filled sleep, and my mind solves problems of its own accord, without the emotional side of my Self, which is still somnolent in that witching hour of pre-dawn. I awoke at the end of the weekend, with an action plan and a return of determination; determination to stick to my EF Plan of 10 days starting Sunday night.
My fears relate directly to employment, income, and what will happen to Lil’ Ol’ Me in this turn of world events that have upended my plans during my visit to the US. I am at a loss of how to proceed, what to do for work, and at the end of my savings. These are the fears that cause me to eat to quell those same fears—which started 6 months ago while on sabbatical in Australia. Now, acknowledging the causation, I will work on SITTING IN THE FEAR this week, while fasting. I will ALLOW the fear and worry to wash over me; I will ACCEPT the feelings and terrors; I will RECOGNIZE the overwhelming desire to EAT AWAY and NUMB those horrifically uncomfortable feelings; I will STOP AVOIDING the pain and rather, FACE IT; and then, I will enumerate the fears on paper and what I can do to solve the problems. This is Action Step # 1!
The second mountainous problem to climb, summit, and plant a colossal FUCK YOU Flag on top sorrynotsorry but pardone moi includes the feelings that surface during fasting, related to food and eating. Actually, these come up toward the end of my EFs and when rebuilding and relate to the aforementioned thoughts of lack, deprivation, restriction, and what I think I deserve/do not deserve. This is the Second Action Step I will take during my 10-day EF: I will approach these ill-created concepts and look them in the eye and try to figure out why they are destroying me as they knock me off my path and lead me on the dead-end trail of overeating and sugar-cravings. I may have to allow myself close to the edge, and just jump into the canyon to figure the WHYS. But I will secure my line to the harness, and hand-over-hand, pull myself out of the abyss and figure out how to look at food and eating differently! I want to absorb the fact that I can enjoy eating and that I CAN eat more—but LATER—and that I do NOT HAVE TO EAT IT ALL, because there will always be more, LATER!
It will be a lot of work, but I am lucky, because I have the physical space, solitude, and support to work through this process right now (Thank you Coronanity, but fuck you all the same). I have no other time commitments holding me back, so I am grateful because I can truly focus on healing myself NOW! And with all fervor, I proclaim that for me, fasting is the answer! My salvation. Years of suffering from eating disorders, body hatred, and an extremely dysfunctional relationship to food and eating, and I believe I have found my messiah, my solution! The core issues have caused my weight gain and dysfunctional thinking, along with sugar addiction, and negative thought loops. But by addressing the emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects with fasting, and then allowing all the emotional, physical, and spiritual toxins to be released through fasting, I believe I will finally be able to rid myself of these chains (clamped on and tightened by toxic parenting, cultural messages, and self-reinforcement)... and I have been enslaved since I was about 15, so 36 fucking years is ENOUGH!!!
With fasting, I will finally be able to FEEL the pain instead of NUMBING it, FACE my fears instead of AVOIDING them, HEAL my body instead of DESTROYING it, and RECREATE my relationship with my SELF!
Amen, hallelujah and FUCK YEAH!
Don’t mean to offend, but sometimes the emphasis of an expletive is necessary! Get over it! :-))
*Member Forums in https://thefastingmethod.com
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surprised it is 2020! Holy crap when did that happen!