Written during my stay at "Primitive Trade Place Inn" , aka, GuoZhuang Nan Wu Hao Boutique Inn, Kangding. Tuesday June 19, 2018 I felt surprised at the deep wanderings of my mind the past few days—but should not be surprised. My mind was free of stress and clutter and distraction, so I was able to ponder more important life topics. I’ve been thinking about concepts I hold about how I should be; about how life should be. I think about all the thoughts that move through my head during the day; some of which I am unaware and become negative thought patterns, some of which I consciously create that repeat those patterns. I know that when I am more present and practicing awareness and meditation, that I can catch those thoughts and turn them around. I recognize that many of the fears I have are unfounded and self-created, and reflect my own self-concept, rather than the reality of what others perceive or think or don’t think. The expectations I have of myself are too high, sometimes unrealistic, definitely non-compassionate, and stem from cultural, familial, and societal “shoulds”. After all these years of inner work, I still struggle with a positive self-image—mainly physically. I like pretty much everything about myself and how my life has turned out, excluding my body and weight. This has always been a struggle. Even at my thinnest, strongest, and most athletic; when I am Spidey-ing up climbing walls and running 10 miles, hiking mountains and cycling 20 miles, I do not accept my physical self. When I think of all the years wasted and all the activities undone due to poor body-image—for decades; in fact, for the majority of my life— it saddens me and makes me angry. Sure, I wish I had saved more money and had more of a “nest egg” built up, but I’ve had an incredible life and I pursue my dreams and achieve my goals, so I have no true regret there. I wish to go back and undo that horribly toxic last relationship I was in, but I also grew from it, and had experiences that I might not have had, and here I am in, living in China. So while I still have angst and despise my decisions at that time, the regret has been slowly seeping away the last few years. That leaves me with only two regrets, if they are even regrets. (I regret an authentic feeling anyway? Or simply the resulting thought from an action. Hmm, have to do some deeper work on that question.) My brother and the affects of body-shaming and body-rejection on the past 3+ decades of my life. More on this later: it’s time for breakfast and a trip to the Kangding airport! Click "Read More" to the right... Random thoughts: there are many empty storefronts downtown. Could I open a school? Gina’s Kangding American-English Progressive Private Kindergarten! That’s a long name, but much shorter in Mandarin! I could live in town, up on the hill, and hike a lot. Or get a small plot and get a yak! I could have 6-7 year olds and focus on SEL and holistic ed. I wonder if the winters here are dry? I could hike all the time, and start alpine hiking. Kangding feels so small until you get into new Kangding, and then you can see the expanse and suburban growth and population boom. I’d probably be one of only a handful of foreigners living here. I could make Tibetan friends.
...On the bus to the airport, we are now 20km out of Kangding, and the suburban apartment blocks keep going! ...On the airplane flight back to Chengdu, there are Buddhist Monks sitting a few rows ahead of me; they give off the sweet and woody scent of sandalwood. ...During the flight, I notice a town below, it is 11:41am. Our coordinates are 30.3421N, 101.60402E. This town looks intriguing and solitary, encircled by the green expanse of mountain ridges. Previously, our coordinaters were 30.11.17N, 101.42.28E , at 11:40am, and we flew at an altitude of 3884m. I want to figure the cost of flights and cheaper accommodations so i can come more often... or stay in the smaller room. I really should visit Zhilam Hostel!
1 Comment
7/15/2018 04:23:56 pm
I am impressed! How wonderful to have this experience, Gina. I wrote a poem for you years ago. Still hold true. May you be protected on your amazing journey.
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iGallivantGina The Great in the country of The Great Wall!
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