WOW!!!On Day 11, at 260.5 hours of fasting and I just completed a short yoga practice. Holi Cannoli! I feel almost manic! My energy just jumped out by a million-gazillion-tothemoonillion! I wasn't feeling bad, just a little tired or perhaps a little malaise, but definitely not much energy. But I've committed to getting more exercise in because my Smart scale informs me that my BMR and muscle mass are decreasing during the fast, which is rare in fasting because anabolism and protein conservation are one of the major results from longer fasts! But of course, I'm the exception aargh! LOL! I will walk and perform my sadhana (yoga practice: asana, pranayama, meditation) every day! This will combine weight loss from fasting with muscle strength and should kick up my metabolism and strength. When I'm down another 10 lbs., I want to start running, so I've got to train for it! I'm also doing deep inner work during this fast (as with all my fasts) and I feel compelled more and more to get my spiritual practice back on track and to consistently meditate, more than anything. I'm just amazed at how FANF**tastic I feel after such a short asana session--only about 10 minutes of sun salutations and other stretches (very, very, very slow)! My mental focus shot through the roof, as did my energy and enthusiasm! Yay! I can tell that if I continue (I WILL continue) adding exercise to my fasting regimen, my health and well-being and energy and happiness witll go through the roof as well! BOOYA!!
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Over the past few days, I've noticed I am awakening with a sense of anticipation and happiness, knowing that I've fasted another day and lost another pound or more! I've lost just under 14 lbs. thus far and 3% body fat! I'm approaching 252 hours of fasting; halfway through Day 11!
I've started experiencing that fasting "chills": I'm especially cold in the mornings and it's harder for me to sit outside in the early hours. My body is also eliminating a lot of toxins--or something!-- because I'm still having small, solid bowel movements. TMI, but this is a fasting journal, so deal with i! You poop too! I don't feel unwell, but tummy doesn't feel all that good. I'm still ingesting about 150-200 kcals from bone broth, and soymilk in my tea, and sometimes 1/2-1 Tbsp. HWC. This translates into 2g. cho, 16g. proteign, ans 12.5g. fat. I still plan to transition to water only, I just don't want to give up my morning tea because I enjoy it so much! And I won't be giving up the bone broth because it's nourishing and I want to prevent hair loss. The bone broth only accounts for 60kcals, 8g. protein, and 3 g. fat, so it's negligible. The only healing aspect of this long fast I might not be getting the full 100% effect of is autophagy, although I know my body is going through some autophagy. Unfortunately, autophagy can't be measured unless someone wants to perform a vivisection on me, and I'm not that eager to know the exact amount of autophagy I am experiencing! And wow! I just realized that I am halfway through this 21-day fast! Only 10 more days to go!! Or, I'm a third of the way through a 30-day fast! I'll reassess at the three week mark and decide if I want to continue! I'm going to miss celebrating my birthday next week, although I will be celebrating with physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual healing by fasting! I will be celebrating a week or so late... who cares! Photo credit and additional info on autophagy: http://www.tanpaku.org/autophagy/ TWO victories today: I made it past the 8 1/2 day hurdle and I've lost 13 lbs.! Whoo Hoo! My weight has officially returned to number it was when I left China last year! Whoo! Also good: job opportunities are on the horizon and I've experienced a lot of healing in the past 5 months-emotionally and physically! This fast has differed from my last fast(s) in many ways. My skin looks a little rougher, more "aged". From what I've read, this effect is common as toxins are released and autophagy occurs. Apparently, after the fast ends, skin "bounces back" and looks much younger than prior to the fast. I'll go with that! My eyes have also been puffy, which is a rarity. I have to go without sleep for a few days or have a really raucous hangover to get puffy eyes. Also, my GI system is cleaning itself out every day, even now. Normally, after the first few days into a longer fast, you stop having bowel movements. (TMI Warning!) I've had a few bouts of diarrhea during this fast, and still having some liquid or soft stools. Initially, I thought it was the ghee and coconut oil that I was adding to my coffee and broth to help stave off hunger, but the loose GI evacuations continue even though I curtailed additional fat intake by Day 6. I am still using some unsweetened soy milk and cream in my tea, as well as having a cup of bone broth. Perhaps that's it...? During the first 4 days of this fast, I was consuming coffee with soymilk, powdered coconut milk, and ghee or coconut oil in the morning. I'd also enjoy another coffee with cream around lunch. I'd have one cup of broth with the above fats around lunch, and another later in the day. With all that, my calorie count was averaging 650, carbs averaged 8g., protein 25g., and fat 55-ish. I still lost 5 lbs. during that period. As I reduced the ghee and oil, calories and macros dropped significantly, until I eliminated all the oil and ended up averaging under 300 kcals., less than 4g. carbs, average of 15g. carbs, and about 20g. fat. I will maintain the use of one cup of bone broth for my hair, yet I still can't talk myself into refraining from putting something creamy in my tea! I tried black tea and it made my stomach a bit queasy. I do want to switch to black tea, but may have to switch to herbal. I'm going to research those chicory-based coffee replacements. I like having a hot beverage in the morning, but also recognize that I am decreasing autophagy action by not completing a pure water fast. I know there is some autophagy going on, from the experience of other fasters, as well as having an intuition/body wisdom that autophagy is occurring in my body. I just don't want to give up my yummy, creamy teas yet. However, I am trying to reduce my use of soymilk and cream to the point that I can let it go. I mean it! I've got my calorie intake below 200, carbs around 2 g., protein to 15g., and fat at 11g. One cup of bone broth contains 60 kcals., 8g. pro, and 3 g. fat, so those macros will not decrease during the fast. As I continue to "need" creamy coffee, I'm trying to figure out which additive will have the least impact on my blood insulin level, an increase of which stops autophagy. Protein and carbs cause a marked spike in insulin, but fat only a tiny bit. I'm not worried about the bone broth because I need the collagen and protein to maintain hair health. (My hair was coming out in handfuls on a daily basis due to the stress I experienced in China. Last month, after week of stress due to this homeowner, who steeps herself in drama and kept pulling me into it before I finally set some firm boundaries, I noticed I was losing a lot of hair again. I'm still losing more hair than I would like. My emotional resilience has not fully recovered, as I thought, and obviously, I still need to work on my reaction to stressful events.) Add two days to the above stats, and 168 hours. Currently, I am on Day 10 and just passed 228 hours of fasting! Therefore, with the knowledge that autophagy is turned off when insulin is released, and knowing that protein and carb intake spike insulin, the solution is obvious. But which "creamer" has the most fat and fewest carbs, protein, and fat? The only thing to do is compare each one, with the amounts I normally use in the three cups of tea I have in the morning: 6 oz. Silk unsweetened soymilk - 60 kcals, 2.3g cho, .75g net cho, 5.3g prot, 3g fat 2 Tbsp. coconut milk powder - 120 kcals, 4g cho, 4g net cho, 0g prot, 10g fat 3 Tbsp. Heavy Whipping Cream - 150 kcals, 2.7g cho (Approx), 0g prot, 15g fat Silk has 60 kcals and has 5.05g macros (cho and prot) that stop autophagy. Coco has 120kcals and 4g " " . HWC has 150kcals and 2.7 g " " . Okay, so nix the coco milk. The duel occures between soymilk and HWC. So do I go with lower kcals (Silk) or lowest macros (HWC)?? Stats so far: Weight loss: 12.79 lbs. Fat mass loss: 9.81 lbs. BMI decrease: 2.18 I am about to surpass a major milestone in my fasting practice! To date, I've only been able to fast up to 8 1/2 days, and those last two were very difficult. Luckily, each fast is unique and comes with individual differences and challenges. I have not been nearly as fatigued as I have been my last few fasts. I completed my longest fast at the end of May, barely. I struggled with that feeling of fatifue and misery for the last day and a half; I thought it was not going to end, so I broke the fast. This time, I am on Day 9 and about to pass that 8 1/2 day mark feeling good. I've been a little tired, but not the kind that feels debilatating. I also recognize that whatever I feel during this fast (and in life!) -- physically, mentally, or emotionally-- will pass! I am trying to translate that into my life experience; to recognize that painful and uncomfortable feelings will pass--as in fasting, so in life. This has been decades of inner work to apply. I'm not an idiot. Of course I have recognized this fact. Yet I have not been able to take it inward, recall that a bad time or painful feeling will pass, and apply it when I need it most! If I can take only this one lesson and retain it for the rest of my life, then fasting will have been a major victory. Although the physical changes are remarkable and much desired -- I've lost nearly 12 lbs. since starting my fast at 8pm last Monday, Aug. 10-- I seek emotional, mental, and spiritual transformation as well. I feel myself moving inward as the fast progresses: my desire for human company has greatly diminished, I have let go of the need to watch the horrible events vividly described on the news, I have replaced news with dharma talks and positivity lectures, I have allowed myself to rest, I have started meditating again, and I feel a longing to move inward that is gushing up from deep within my soul. I am listening to that longing. I feel an expanding sense of gratitude that I have this Particular Time in this Particular Place to fast, move inward, heal, and strengthen my Self and my Body.
While I am overboard thrilled and astounded at the weight loss, there is more! My fancy scale gadget shows me that I've lost fat weight and decreased BMI as well! I'm about 1.5 lbs. from the weight I was when I left China last year! Another 10 lbs. and I will arrive at the weight I was in Austin, prior to departing for China in early 2018. During the hardships since 2015, I had gained about 10 lbs. every few years. Lose regain, lose regain. Then up another 10, until holy sh** WTF happened! But in present times, I know that fasting will help me lose it and keep it off permanently, for I will change my relationship with food and my body, increase my emotional resilience, apply the lessons I've learned about stressful times passing and acceptance of what I cannot change, and begin to manage stress differently! Each 10 lb. loss is a major victory, because each of those 10 lbs. are representative of a stressful time or event in my life over the last 5 years. Due to a crippling injury and the emotional trauma that comes with the end of a long-term relationship, I had gained 20 lbs. during the last few years I lived in the Caribbean. Admittedly, I've always been up and down the diet and weight roller coaster by 10-20 lbs., but being a runner, kept myself at a healthy weight, even with those ups and downs. Of course, with a distorted body image and unhealthy relationship with myself and food, I always felt fat, even wearing a size 4! From the Caribbean, to Panama, to Texas, and ending up in Key West, I was down again to around 145. Between running, lifting weights, and yoga, I carry a lot of muscle, so 140-145 is a good weight for me. I maintained that in Key West, then living in Korea, then landing back in the US again. Then He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named happened, combined with being in school, not being able to get work, tearing my meniscus, and the shit hit the fan. I fell hard into the black hole of depression, crippled by a lack of basic security, my knee, and dwindling money. Bam! 10 lbs. Thus, circling back to pre-China, 2016-17 in Austin, getting my life back together with job and exercise and mental health help. Still 10 lbs. over, but recovering emotionally, professionally, financially, and physically. I moved to China in February of 2018, and am beset by a horrible job and horrible pollution, along with all the normal accompanying stress of living in a foreign country and not having the wherewithal to learn the language. In summary: 2005-2008: ~135 (Caribbean) 2008-2010: 145-160? (Caribbean, Panama, Texas) 2011-2015: 142-145 (Texas, Key West, Korea, Texas) 2016-2018: creeping back up 155 (Texas) 2018-2019: 165+ (China, Australia) By 2019, I was in a serious physical and emotional black hole that I could not escape. But that was then, and this is now! It's summer 2020, and I am recovering on all levels as my weight decreases in proportion to the increase in my positive outlook! Onto Day 8, and halfway through it! Continuing my fast toward 21 days (perhaps 30!). I've lost 11 lbs. in these past 8 days, averaging roughly 1.5 lbs. lost per day. Yes, of course, some of this loss is inflammation (water loss); however, my fancy hi-tek scale is also informing me of fat pounds and percentage loss in addition to water--so it ain't just water folks!! By the time I complete 21 days, I calculate an additional 19.5 lbs. lost! That will put me right at goal weight: "Pre-China weight"! Add 168 hours and 7 days to the above stats = 180.5 total hours fasted. Thus far, I have completed 7.5 days of fasting! Another 1.5 days to surpass my longest fast of 8.5 days, completed at the end of May! I also survived a day of fatigue and grouchiness yesterday. Today may be another one of those days due to a visit at midnight by a Not-so-friendly Neighborhood Scorpionman. Yeah, I want a companion between the sheets, but not a damn scorpion that bit me twice! Ouch, Mofo! I'm okay, just lacking sleep. Those little suckers have a sting like a bee, and the bite swells to the size of a much-scratched mosquito bite. The pain recedes in like 15 minutes and there is no residual mark from the sting this morning, just some left over pissed-off-ness and freaked-out-ness abiding in yours truly.
The salient point being: Now I know I can survive a day of not feeling so great. The Blahs will pass and I can manage the ennui. I definitely do not prefer lying around all day, even with plenty to do, but the feelings are manageable and that is key. Victory = 9 1/2 pounds I lost this week! BMI decreased by 1.5 points! Fat weight decreased 4 1/2 lbs.! I have an awesome scale that measures, bone density, muscle weight, fat weight and %, and more! It has about 10 different measurement parameters! Today is the day I feel like caca... poop... sh**! Of course, spending 30 minutes prior to ingesting any caffeine learning how to use my new ketone blood tester didn't help. After pricking myself 5 times and continually getting an error message, I got pissed and gave up. I felt shaky and exasperated. Taking part of my daily salt intake prior to getting something in my stomach was a bad idea on top of trying to measure my glucose/ketones* before caffeine time. I can tell my emotional resilience is low today, commensurate to how I feel in my physical body--so it's a day to take it easy and rest. I'm pleased and proud that I have the insight to recognize that I am not at full capacity today. I also recognize the need to recall that "This will pass!": the physical feelings of fatigue and impatience are fleeting. In the past, during my other longer fasts of 5-8.5 days, this is type of day where I would quit. I just couldn't bear the crappy feeling and feelings of fatigue, malaise, and ennui. It felt like it would never end. But this thought is the same mistake I've made in the past, and well beyond the realm of fasting. In my emotional life, when I have a negative feeling--whether stress, depression, fear, physical pain/illness, etc.--it mires me down. The THOUGHTS mire me down, and I THINK that the feelings will NEVER go away. I sense that I am stuck in that moment of misery forever. This is what causes my downward spiral into depression and ill health--the thought that the negative circumstance or feeling will NEVER END. Worse, the feelings translate into actions and habits, creating neural grooves in my mind that create a feedback loop of more negativity. Luckily, I recognize this now, and actively work on stopping those thoughts to experiencing greater awareness about the temporary aspects of feelings, emotions, and situations. This awareness circles back to what I have been learning about fasting and how my body feels during extended fasts these last 4 1/2 months that I have been experimenting with extended fasts. Now, I try to remember the wave analogy: waves crest and crash; have a trough and a peak. All feelings about situations--and in fact, those circumstances--in life, crest and crash; have a trough and a peak. Yeah, many people have already figured out this lesson and applied it, but I have years of habits, neurochemistry, and neural pathways that have prevented me from applying that knowledge. I've always envied people who can just let things go; realizing that since they can't control the situation, why stress out over it! Those people know inherently that a situation will change and pass, so better to accept it rather than allow themselves to feel miserable over it. Looking back, this has been one of my greatest obstacles. If I don't like a situation, I try to change it. If I can't change it, I continue to fight it, and get stressed and miserable because of it. Either that or I just leave; AKA, running away. These thoughts--that the misery or stress will never end--cause an endless cycle of more stress, and then depression. But I'm working on those thought patterns and the actions that follow. Applying this to the present moment, I recognized pretty quickly that my impatience was at Defcon 3 this morning. I observed my physical self and my emotional self, noticed the low resilience, accepted how I felt, recognized the need to rest and take it easy, and acted on that awareness by deciding to ALLOW it and take it easy for today! That's not only a huge victory, but pretty damn impressive given my emotional history with these type of challenges! BOOYA! *I don't have diabetes or any of that; it is more of a science experiment on my body. I want to see what happens to my blood glucose while fasting, as well as check how deep I am into ketosis while fasting. I decided to take extreme measures of self-care, by cancelling a trip into town for someone today, postponing the calls I need to make, and deciding to plop myself on the couch to read and go full cinephile. My body, mind, and heart crave rest and an absence of other humans, so that is what will happen! I am grateful I have the space, time, and opportunity to care for myself in this way. In fact, last night I was thinking: "How awesome is it that I have the next 2 months to fully commit to self-care, healing, and redesigning my teaching career!" In the past seven days, I've moved deeper into myself as I fast. This process will continue over the next 14 days, as I move toward my planned 21-day fast. I've even considered extending this fast to 30 days if I'm feeling energized and healthy at the three-week mark! My body is healing. My mind is transforming. My heart is opening. If I can focus exclusively on three actions over the next 2-3 weeks: fasting, transforming my body and emotional state, and building my new teaching business, I will also create space to strengthen my spiritual practice. I really want to move deep inside myself during this longer fast and heal my relationship with food and my body permanently, as well as structure my yoga sadhana into my daily routine... also permanently. I am confident that I can make these shifts in my mind, heart, body, soul, and daily schedule!! Just like the aforementioned wave, the discomfort crested: I experienced it and allowed it. Once I accepted it, the wave of discomfort crashed, and now I'm experience the smooth ripples of allowing and taking care of myself. That's the positive outcome of an initially sh**y day: it's not so caca anymore. Yeah, I still feel a bit tired and weak, but I'm not in a "mood" any longer. Now I can embrace my dual victory of making it through the first 7 days of my 21-day fast, and making it over the hump of fighting reality to accepting reality. That makes for a good day!
I'm in quite a unique position this year. I'm very lucky and grateful that:
I'm really pretty damn lucky. I've chosen to live a life free of normal societal and cultural constraints. I've experienced more than many, less than some, but have a pretty damn awesome lifestyle. I'm grateful! Life is awesome!
RAINNRecognize - the feeling or craving Accept - and sit with whatever is going on in my heart or head, or the external circumstances Investigate - the feeling, the behavior, the sensations, the experience. sit with it. Note - observe how I feel and where my thoughts go. Nurture - offer myself compassion in the moment with these feelings. The acronym above is used in meditation circles (most recently by Tara Brach) to increase mindful awareness of behavior and feelings, in a self-compassionate manner. Thoughts from The Craving Mind to consider:
Intentions for TuesdayI begin another long fast today, having begun on Saturday and pretty much gave that up in the early morning, since I fell flat on face again and really wrecked the flesh on my knee again--but it was the left knee this time, so I'll have assymetrical yet matching scars on both knees now, from two assymetrical yet similar face plonks in the driveway. Thanks hiking shoes that are so big they completely throw off my proprioreception! Thus, I begin my long fast today! Anyhooha, so once again, I am determined to completel a 21-day water fast. Why? Many reasons, which I will address later, although this has been broached in previous posts. For today, I intend to:
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