The hunger is much more manageable, to the point that I can brush it off when it comes grumbling, so that is a victory. But I miss eating!!! And no, not sugary foods or carbs--another victory--I'm not craving those at all. I miss the act of enjoying my food. Those meals I savor after fasting are the most miraculous experiences. The flavors, textures, and mouth-feel of chewing and swallowing. It's been so long since I was truly aware while eating. It's such a gift! I find that if I am not fully and 100% enjoying my food (or drink), I stop eating it and make something different. I don't want to waste one precious taste-bud act or chew!
Each time I start a water fast, I start watching fasting videos (by docs and researchers or other fasters), and it almost seems that they lead me off track instead of helping me extend my fast! Really I'm looking for someone to blame or be angry with right now, because my mind is not in this fast. I wasn't quite ready to start it, but I did anyway, as others were starting and I wanted some support and accountability. I feel like I am alienating myself when I start a fast, which seems to be on weekends. The solution there, of course, is to fast during the week and not on weekends. This is when my friends have their friends visit, and then I sit in my room and watch movies or read, so I am not tempted. That kind of sucks; I realized yesterday. I also miss the camaderie I share with my friends during meal times and food prep. Then, if I'm not helping out with cooking, I also feel... like I'm not pitching in enough; not "doing my share".
I need to remember that while my weight loss is not as fast as others' may be, my cardinal motivations for these EFs are to heal my relationship with food and my body, to heal (Period.), and to experience a spiritual transformation (but that's only coming for longer fasts of 7+ days, I believe).
The overarching solution to all of this is to change my fasting days to weekdays and to reduce the length of my fasts, but keep carbs below 20g. per day.
I'm feeling angry today, but I can only pinpoint a couple of external reasons: my Chromebook is on the fritz again, and I learned I am not eligible to sit for the Reading Cert Exam I had planned on taking, because I do not have my Master's in Literacy. Damnit! I can still take the Bio Exam to add to my teaching license, but I am not really excited about teaching Biology--I'd rather teach reading. I don't even know if I should take the Bio exam now, although the testing centers nearby have re-opened, so I can take it here instead of driving to Texas.
For the Chromebook, I just need to buy a new one, but can't decide which one and whether to break down and get a crappy iPad again so I can access all my cloud docs and pix.
I'm feeling angry about fasting today--this is the over-arching problem. I am angry at myself for eating too much yesterday and having a lack of self-control. I still want to do a longer EF, but don't feel like I have the mental will to do it right now. I'm disappointed and discouraged that I fasted so much last month and didn't lose much. Even my clothes are still a little snug! I'm pissed that everyone else (it seems) loses so much weight and mine barely budges. I have to fast or I won't lose weight--and it doesn't seem that the OMAD or EDF work--I literally have fast for 2 full days, 3 times each week, or do longer fasts of 7 days. But then, I have a hard time keeping my carbs under 20g to stick to keto, end up eating too much and undo my losses. Or so it seems.
I'm having a pity party right now. I'm stressed about tests and work and not working and what I should do after the pandemic and when the fucking pandemic is going to end and I just want to throw it in and blow it off for a day and go drink a bourbon and eat lunch (low carb though LOL). I am determined to stay low carb and away from the sugar though, at least that much is sure. I've been at my friend's for 2 months, and maybe I am feeling restless or at least as though I need to be working instead of lying around reading. The solution is to get my ass to work online, continue my commitment to daily exercise (walks and yoga), and go help out my friend. Maybe I should start the fasting cycle over and try the OMAD/24 hour fasts again, get successful at those for a week (build my fasting muscle), then slowly start increasing the fasting hours. The videos in the fasting groups are encouraging, but always make me doubt myself and the longer EF I try to complete. Though part of me knows that I CAN do an EF of >7 days and that's what I need to achieve my emotional goals (change my relationship to food and my body) and spiritual goals (consisten meditation practice, greater awareness and presence).