2-week Follow-up After 25-day Fast

I began a 25-day Fast on August 10th, after dinner, ending on September 4th. My initial fasting goal was 21 days, but still feeling good, I decided to head toward 30 days, with a re-evaluation on Day 25. By Day 25... what can I say... I felt bored with fasting, even though I wasn’t hungry or missing certain foods or anything similar. I was merely tired of fasting, and felt as though I had accomplished what I could, and that continuing the fast would begin to either be zero-sum or have negative effects. I had stopped losing weight, though I had made so much progress emotionally, mentally, and physically. The weight-loss plateau was not discouraging, because I could tell by my clothes and in my face that my body was much thinner. It seemed if I continued to fast, I would not be helping my body or mind any longer.  My BMR had decreased, and I had also observed small losses of muscle and bone density. It seemed prudent to stop while I was ahead. I accomplished several goals and perceived that the changes I had sought had manifested. 

At present, I’ve regained a nominal amount of weight: 2 lbs. An equal share of water, muscle, and fat. I find it intriguing that I can sense the increase in water mass in my body after a heavy meal; the bloating and inflammation after indulgence in a boozy weekend. My mental awareness of the specific reactions that occur in my body after eating has become very acute. I have discovered distinct physical feelings in my body after eating too much or drinking too many coffee cocktails last weekend. Specifically, certain substances I ingest correlate to a unique reaction; whether a normal, healthy response, or the opposite.  This phenomenon is not something new to me, but over the past year I have obstinately ignored what I was doing to my body and how what I ate affected me, except for the resultant weight gain. “Coming down” off the boozy weekend to return to LCHF/keto food choices, my body shifted again, releasing both the physical water bloat and internal physical/emotional/mental feelings of excess. Once again, observing my body’s changing processes to food intake has been interesting.

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In detail, the first week immediately following the cessation of my fast looked entirely different from Week 2. Coming out of that 25-day extended fast, I still had a deeper level of awareness of my mental goings-on; I continued to sit in an inner observation mode of my body, my mind, and my heart. The inner desire to nourish all aspects of my Self enveloped me as I began to eat again. This period lasted the 7 days until I went out to eat!  The leaning toward self-care didn’t end with the meal: I blame the boozy coffees! I ordered a higher protein and fat meal than I normally would have at brunch—where I usually would have indulged in waffles or pancakes coated and drowning in sugary-syrup.  Truthfully, the desire for sweets departed weeks back; during the fast.  I didn’t want those sugary carbs, nor did I want to feel the resultant shitty sugar-hangover I would have felt if I ate those “shitty-non-foods”. Conclusively, the problem was not the food, because I only ate 7-8 bites before feeling full and getting the rest boxed up to go. The issue became the greed for the relaxed and euphoric feeling I got from one, then two, then three, specialty coffee drinks made with bourbon, which then fired up my appetite for more bourbon, which resulted in a stop at the liquor store on the way home, which resulted in... well, here I am. Going into the weekend, I thought it would be nice to have a boozy coffee the next day and Sunday, while sticking to mainly LCHF/keto items. But brunch turned into lunch and then dinner with subsequent cocktails!  Although I kept my food intake on the LCHF/keto side, I definitely ate too much and drank too much. This put me into a downward spin of berating and angry self-talk. I awoke feeling awful and wasted a day physically recovering, but it took another full day to recover emotionally and mentally. 

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In assessing WHY THE HELL I acted like that: why I would undo all the outstanding work I achieved during the fast, I came to a few conclusions. Emphatically, I did not (and still do not), miss sugary carbs nor did I want to overeat. The past few months I’ve worked on the feelings of deprivation that stem from my history of dysfunctional relationship with food and eating. In consequence, now, when I fast, I no longer feel deprived of food on a psychological or emotional level, which means that I don’t have the desire to eat “all the foods” I’ve missed while fasting, or overeat foods I was “deprived of” during a fast. Intense inner work removed that warped sense of deprivation. I accepted and can now apply the adage: “I can eat again later; I can eat more later.” What this conclusion does not yet apply to is booze.  Without shame, I will state that I enjoy wine and cocktails. I enjoy the taste and I enjoy both the physical and mental feelings of release that alcohol offers. I can also enjoy one or two without getting bombed (except on my birthday, because I always have loads of fun getting bombed on my birthday!), although I will admit to a tendentiousness toward using alcohol to numb painful feelings in the exact way I use food to do the same.  Drinking when I am depressed is a terrible idea, just as eating sugary carbs when I am depressed equals the same; both are for the explicit purpose of numbing and avoiding emotional pain or anxiety that has become unbearable. When the aforementioned is not involved, I enjoy a drink or two. What occurred is the judgement of drinking as “bad” and “all-or-nothing” and therefore must be avoided. Thus, the feeling of deprivation I felt with food transferred to booze, and so I overindulged because I had “missed it”.  This is a truth, I missed drinking. Consequently, I felt deprived and so I acted on these two and had to “finish it off”, similar to a pint of ice cream, a pack of cookies... a jar of Nutella. Within this realization, is the acknowledgement that the booze is not inherently “bad”, nor is it “good”. It is singularly, simply, booze. When I ascribe a judgement, I give it a power and a call to avoidance or indulgence. Instead of enjoying the drink, I focus on the fear of “not getting enough” and that I can only have it “this time”; it becomes a substance that I want but must deprive myself from having or enjoying. I forget that wine is beneficial in moderation, and the same for booze. I forget that “I can eat again later; I can have more later”.  Layered in that realizing is the knowledge that if I remember my adage related to food, this also applies to drinking. Accompanying that knowing is a whooshing sigh of relief. And then a release on the grip.  The fear of deprivation dissipates once again.

Gratitude comes into play in all of this—even in the fog of boozy coffee and a few days of feeling like utter shit. I am grateful it only took a few days of sliding into the Downward Spiral, rather than months or years as per usual. I kept my grip on the edge and didn’t fall entirely into the Black Hole.  I can look back on that few days as a partial experience of the whole process: a learning experience and not a mistake, for it took me further inward toward discovery and freedom. I am back on track and feel relieved that that time is over, and yet immensely grateful that it happened, for I hold a new perspective, which will lead to new habits and neural grooves. A positive change comes forth. From boozy coffee! Ha!