Continuation of thoughts from a previous post...
I felt almost normal yesterday. I was "around people" almost all day yesterday, and I didn't feel depleted or like I needed to escape at any point. After the emotional and psychic trauma I experienced in 2015, along with physical trauma of injury and ill-health, and the resulting PTSD that combined with unemployment to leave me a fried-hot mess, I isolated myself from the world because it felt the most unsafe place to exist. Only in 2017 has some of that fear unraveled, and I have shifted back toward myself again; able to be in larger groups of people and enjoying "public affairs". I have regained so much of my sense of security that I don't feel I need to hide from the world any longer.
During these 2 years, I have sweated and pushed and strained to work through the trauma and its imprint on my heart and soul. It seems to finally be paying off. My past has included a goal set, a push toward change, and immediate results. Therefore, I have been flabbergasted that nothing has changed for me in the course of two years, and that I have even backslid in areas.
What was going on?
Will I be like this forever?
Is this what the rest of my life will look like?
Those thoughts were depressing.
Everything seems to be coming together again. I am re-made, and differently. It has not happened overnight and I still work not to work at it so hard--not struggle. That's the biggest struggle!
I felt normal yesterday...
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...I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed being in a public space. I spoke to people I did not know, with ease. My easy confidence had returned without me even recognizing that it was back. I was at ease most of the day.
Big deal? Yes, for someone who has lived in an on-edge state of anxiety for the past few years. I fell into a deep and soundless pit of fear that offered no light until recently. Only this past few weeks have I experienced days free of anxiety and tightness in my chest. Only in the past few weeks have I thought that I might survive all "this" and that life might be worthwhile. I have finally made my way completely out of that pit--not temporarily--but free. Yes, yes, there will be other pits of darkness to navigate around, but I am confident that they will not be so deep and will only cause a stumble rather than a freefall into despair!
I have been cooking again. I have been present and energetic at school (and patient). My physical energy is returning, as is my health. My knee is nearly 100% and I my bike is fixed and ready to be tuned and ridden! I've been back at my daily practice of yoga (asana, pranayama, meditation) and have added in a new routine of QiGong. I've been reducing my calorie intake and am back eating a more balanced diet. I've been getting acupuncture twice weekly, along with drinking an herbal tonic prepared by my TCM. I have started mindfulness training and am more aware of my body's response to anxiety. I have returned to my normal habit of eating slowly and doing nothing else during that time except eating. I am smiling again. I am having fun with my kids instead of trying to make it through the day.
I have begun a return to life.
Yesterday, the experience of sitting in a theatre and enjoying an arthouse film gave me such pleasure. I was there, fully present (most of the time), and enthralled by an amazing restoration of a Russian film. The truck's issues are fixed. I had a nice visit with Dad.
It felt like a good day.
Whatever I did over break and whatever I've been doing this year (or three) has had cumulative effects. This is the first Sunday in months, probably the entirety of 2016, that I have not felt anticipation (aka: anxiety) and unpreparedness (no matter how prepped I am) for Monday.
Between the mindfulness practice, Qi Gong, acupuncture, TCM Kidney Tonic tea, and study and practice of Tao, have had little-to-no anxiety about work. Of course, I have prepped a lot, as well as organized/neatened the room, which makes my psychic work area and energy much calmer. Yay. It's all coming together! I was wondering when I'd feel some sort of shift or something would change, and it seemed like it did this past break.
I have tried and tried and struggled and struggled and fought and fought, to "fix", "change", "improve", but have fought and struggled and tried too hard. I have come to understand the meaning of "Do nothing. Do everything."
Now I will work toward Wu Wei, as in: approaching a task before it approaches me.
In readiness, I can relax.
In ease, the battle is won.
In relaxation, I master the ocean.
I can do anything through Kimchi, who strengthens me. LOLOLOLOL
Lots and lots of gratitude, peeps.
...is practicing gratitude every day for 365 days. Began on April 22, 2016, let's see how life changes over the course of this next year!