I LOVE that I woke up today with 12 more days of break! yay! What a luxury to lie in bed until I feel like getting up. And today I look forward to brunch!
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I am grateful to learn how many International School (IS) options are available to me, in so many locales around the globe! This gives me hope! I have already had numerous schools contact me requesting an immediate interview... and this is just by glancing my online resume through one of the IS agencies I have employed, which links to my professional online portfolio! Most of my references are completed, although I await two more current letters of recommendation, and I have an introductory video complete, although I intend to create 1-2 more of those to expound on the first! I'm excited and grateful... or should I say I am grateful that I feel excited about my future prospects! Looking toward the future helps me survive the currently painful and stressful present and brings me back my forgotten sense of I AMness:
I am Gina... I am the Goddess... I can do ANYTHING! Yay! Soooooo grateful for friends! These two awesome chiclets and I have known each other since 2010, when we worked together at Whole Foods, right after I returned from Panama. I love them, and sometimes we don't see each other but once each year, but when we do, it's all laughter and love! And lots of giggling! At least from me! Thank you J and J for being such good friends! I love you and value your friendship! I am so grateful for my friends!  AGENCY (n): the state of being in action or of exerting power; a means of exerting power or influence. From Latin agere: to do, act, manage.
There has been a shift in me the past week: I have been more assertive, less anxious, and less stressed out. I have slept better, and been happier at school. There are many contributing factors to this shift, but a prime factor is agency. I have finally had the agency to take some action, and thus, have been in action. Sleeping through the night to awaken feeling rested and energetic is a major change, along with my physical body not being in a constant state of alarm... both of these contribute to a general sense of better-being. I had the flu, but recovered quickly--unlike the last winter's pattern of repeated illness and being down for a week. With my nervous system re-approaching a level of regulation, rather than dysregulation, I have been better able to manage the latest work drama (not like that ever seems to end anymore, sadly). I feel less reactive and freaked out, in simple terms. My personal sense of agency is returning, enabling me to regain power in my own life, and thus, get life back on the track that leads forward toward fulfillment. I am grateful for the return of my sense of motive-power, which brings with it hope, confidence, resilience, ability, and agency! My transmission is going out, which is a HUGE bummer, inconvenience, and financial burden. BUT, I'm GRATEFUL that the truck is still running, AND I prequalified at my credit union for an auto loan! yay! I was (am) hoping the truck would hold out through the school year---or at least a few more months, through winter! Then I might pass on the car and stick to car services and bike. We'll see. I'm also grateful that learning about the tranny didn't devastate me, as it might have a few months back, when my mood was lower. I'm ALSO grateful that I met with a great Doc and she is going to run some tests and get my body healthy again! I'm also doing some weekly personal development that is really helping with the mood issue and anxiety and stress surrounding work. So... I feel better (even with the flu, ha ha) and I can get alternate transport when and if the truck poops out! yay!
Wow, I had forgotten what it was like to awaken without an immediate sense of anxiety and dread! The first thoughts that come to my conscious mind of late are worry about situations at school, and then a tightening in my chest and diaphragm, making it hard to breathe. Then I feel a sense of defeat and wish I didn't have to get out of bed at all, ever.
Today, however, I am grateful that I actually feel a sense of happy-for no-reason, even though I still have a day full of meetings and the potential for some kind of work-related conflict. But it all ends by 5 and I have the next 9 days free to restore and rejuvenate. I am grateful for the break, because, I REALLY need it! I am going to Bikram as often as I can walk and I have lots of research to do! I am so grateful to feel good for a change: physically, mentally, emotionally! I am grateful that I am able to create goals and make plans despite fear and anxiety. I am able to look forward and see a better future even though I'm mired in stress and dread on a daily basis. I will rise to challenges and I will depend on my opinion of my self and my life, not giving a damn how others may judge me. I'm grateful that I've moved beyond paralysis and no-energy to the point I can move forward again. I'm grateful I am starting to feel a little bit of that "Si, yo puedo!" after months of feeling the opposite.
I can do it damnit, and just you watch me.
Grand opening of new public library, downtown. Dinner and concert with my good friend: First Aid Kit. Fun times!
It's difficult finding gratitude on days like today; I know if I look I can find it though. These are the days when I don't even want to--or don't have the energy to--write a gratitude post. Yet these are the days when I most need to feel grateful.
I'm grateful to feel supported at school--finally--and more importantly, feel listened to and understood. I'm grateful to have rebuilt my savings to a level that is near providing me with a sense of security. I'm grateful that I have transportation, a roof over my head, and a warm bed with a heating pad (!). I'm grateful for the knowledge that I have been doing the best I can over these past two years: I've grown and am growing, I've learned and am learning, and I'm expanding my knowledge, ability, and wisdom. I'm grateful to be part of a community that pulls together during adversity. I feel more confident and more cohesive because of this experience. I wish this could be my family!
I'm grateful further to finally find a space where I am understood and not judged or fixed. I haven't felt that even my closest friends understand what I am going through or how to support me (not their fault). I feel so relieved to have found a space where I can explain my energy deficits, my grief, my trauma, my challenges, and not be told to start running and exercising, or go for a walk, or get out of the house... where someone just listened and said "You are not alone" and "I experience something similar" and "You are not the only one to go through this". It's such a relief to feel supported and understood. I feel hopeful. I feel I might find a solution. I feel like I have more power now to move forward with next steps to enhance my life. |
iGallivant......is practicing gratitude every day for 365 days. Began on April 22, 2016, let's see how life changes over the course of this next year! Archives
December 2017
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