There are still a couple of people in my life, one related and one not, who I have to seek out to keep in touch--otherwise, I'd probably never hear from them again. I am at a turning point and wonder if I want to continue investing in the relationships? People always show you who they are and what they value through their actions. It's like the film "He's Just Not That Into You", if someone loves you and cares for you and wants you in their life, they will act on those feelings...right? I want to be valued. I want to receive at least a fraction of what I give out, especially in a family or friend relationship.
Do I accept that this is how they are and how things will be (it's nothing new)? That if I want them in my life, I do the work? I do I just stop attempting to reach out to them? The bottom line is the pain, abandonment, and rejection I feel as a result. I know that my feelings are my responsibility, and that my reaction to their lack of effort (lack of true care and love?) is mine to own. Am I selling myself short and allowing dysfunction and toxicity? I know I'm worth more and that my friendship is valuable--it's not a self-worth issue. I do tend to be over-loyal, especially when it comes to long-term relationships and giving and love-- I will always give as much as I can, until I realize the well is dry where I keep dipping a bucket. Then I stop. I believe the effort is worth it because you never know what someone else is going through, even if you are their best friend or close relative. I wonder when it becomes unhealthy to continue trying? I suppose I have my answer already: when the relationship is causing this much pain and the behavior is a repeated pattern over a long period of time. Sigh. It's interesting how -- as time passes and I mature -- relationships thin out because my emotional intelligence increases and my willingness to put up with relationship drama, aka bullshit, diminishes. I've let go of several close family members and long-term friends in the past few decades. I suppose this is a process that will continue. I don't need to be affirmed all the time, but relationships require action to be sustained, just as a plant requires sunlight, water, and nutrients. I feel malnourished in these relationships and I'd rather grow toward the sunlight.
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진아 吉娜 진아... is studying and practicing the philosophies Taoism, QiGong, Taiji, and Shaolin Kungfu. Archives
May 2021
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