I can't even determine a good title for this post. I'm feeling incredulous at my opposite of desire to drink--repulsion? No. It's now been 14 months since I decided to completely quit drinking. Part of me misses it; the celebratory vibe, the diminishing inhibitions, the relaxation response. I think I had more fun socially when I drank. But don't add anything where there is nothing: I didn't and don't have a drinking problem, rather, I just wanted to eliminate it from my diet and lifestyle. What I can't resolve, is my desire to drink, which wars with my lack of desire to drink. It is really as though two people reside in myself body! One craves the easy, giggly, larger-than-life interactions brought on by drink...they truly are care-less. It's also way to "join in" and "be part of the group". It's amazing that in your 40s, there is still peer pressure! Not that any of my friends pressure me at all, they do not, they laud and encourage my teetotalling self. Conversely, it's just odd being in a group of people, all imbibing and carousing, and not "joining in". Truly, I think it's my own insecurity, combined with the desire for more authentic conversation, and the fact that it is ME that has withdrawn to a more introspective period in life, than it is anyone social situation where peeps are partying. That's the bottom line; my personal and professional struggles of the past two years caused me to feel less-confident in myself in situations where people notoriously discuss superficial topics of jobs and social activities. I had neither to discuss; people enquiring about them made their lack more intense.
Ultimately, I want to drink and engage with careless ease, or just "join in" with my peers. But I've found (this is nothing new, as I don't always drink, and certainly don't regularly drink in excess in social situations) that I enjoy myself without the prop. I miss the flavors and the fun. On the other hand, there are always physical consequences (for me) such as not feeling great the next day, impaired driving, and excess sugar and calories in my diet. It's always a toss up. And now it's been so long, I'm almost afraid what the effects of alcohol will be on my system! I kinda like my self-designation as a non-drinker, too. It's swanky. Or geeky. Who knows.
It's 6:30 AM, so it's not like I have to solve this now. I guess I'll continue doing what I've been doing: decide in the moment after a silent internal argument and probably continue to abstain. Ha!