I am grateful that I have only 5 more days of school until I get a 3 week break! I am grateful to visit India! I leave Chengdu at 12:50am Friday night (actually Sat. AM) and have 17 full days in Tapovan, which is the village just outside of Rishikesh where I will be staying at Maa Yoga Ashram! maayogashram.com/ Two weeks of pancha karma - healing and restorative treatments! And only $850! I have wanted to take part in a pancha karma retreat since I first learned about these healing and rejuvenating Ayurvedic treatment therapies when I lived at the Himalayan Institute Ashram in Pennsylvania--so long ago - in 2006-2007! The flight's going to be a long one: 15.5 hours from Chengdu to Dehradun airport in Uttarakhand (the Indian state). I have 3 connections: in Bangkok, Kolkata, and New Delhi, before arriving Dehradun (airport code is DED, hahaha) and a one hour taxi ride to the outskirts of Rishikesh! My flight back is only 10.25 hrs. with a stop in Delhi and Kathmandu (I wish I could just stay in Kathmandu... or btw, there is a school hiring in Kathmandu, Nepal for next year... hmm...!) I am grateful that I am moving forward and having shaken off the inertia that has kept me bound for so many months. I am creating my usual Pros and Cons List for everything: leaving my current school vs. staying, leaving China vs. staying, etc. Even though it's been hard as hell here, I really do NOT want to leave China. I would definitely like to get out of this polluted city and move to a smaller, more mountainous town with clean air and access to nature! I happen to have found a school hiring in Yunnan province, which is south and west of Sichuan, and the capital, Kunming, has only 6 million people, warmer temps and mild winters (50s-80s!), no air pollution, and is in the midst of mountains - in fact it sits at 1600 km.! So while it is a little scary and I worry about getting another job, I have hope and positivity! Just the thought that I won't have to go into this morass of negativity every morning, or as other teachers like to call our school, "The Black Hole". The Waldorf schools here in Chengdu looked so promising, but I think it's a Chinese school, so that would be an ESL job, which I am not interested in! I really have a keen eye toward the post in Yunnan, if it meets my requirements. I will make sure the website is not BS (like my school's is - not nature oriented, not holistic, no outdoor time... nothing promised delivered (slight exaggeration), except the hours and salary!
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I keep intending to do my intentions, but they aren't getting done! I can't seem to get mojo back.
I've set up a sweet self-care spreadsheet with a checklist of intentions and action items for each day. One part is exercise, another is self-care, and the third part is social engagement. One of my daily habits is to write a gratitude post. So even when I awaken and feel a deep sense of dread about the day --due to work-- I can come up with a few things that help me regain some positivity and motivation, gratitude and hope. Unfortunately, the past few years have rewired my brain toward despondent, negative thinking patterns, so the easiest, already tread path is the dark one. I'm trying to create behaviors and thought patterns to undo that damage, and create new pathways for happiness--again. I'm having a lot of second thoughts about being in China, specifically as a result of this job that is so unsatisfying and demoralizing. I do not want a major transition in my life again; living in China presents daily challenges and hardships, so I really wanted my second year to be a breeze, or at least without so many illnesses, injuries, and struggles--maybe like one a month or ever few months... please, Universe? But I'm having to face the fact that I need to start looking for a new job, and possibly leaving China if I can't find something suitable... in a more temperate city ... with clean air. Sigh. I've created some coping mechanisms that have become habits that I can't seem to escape-- they prevent me from moving upward, forward... or just moving. Each day I intend to undo them and act differently--each day I feel failure. But I will continue trying, because there is only one alternative, and I haven't figured out how to be successful at that yet either. I find it harder and harder to find aspects of this job for which I can offer gratitude. I guess one would be the fact that it is a job; that's a good starting point. It is an IB job, so I have that to add to my resume. Having a job after struggling so much to get one in Austin is something for which I am grateful. I am not scraping by, living in poverty, terrified of what comes next when my money runs out. I've built up some savings and spent a lot on travel around China and now I am going to India!!! I've created a nice home space for myself; each time the door closes me in, I feel safe again and comfortable hygge in my home space. I do have many things for which to be grateful afterall, and I just have to start writing to gather momentum. I've found a great TCM Dr. who is leading me in a new direction and helping me transition to a new phase in life. I have a couple of good friends here, at least one of which I will remain in contact with even after we go separate ways to new countries. Finally, my intentions are there each day for me to attempt again. Even if it's only one a day--such as this gratitude post--that is one that I fulfill. And the biggest gratitude is that I only have to survive TWO more days in this week, and then another 5 next week and I will be away from the negative environment of school for 23 days!! Yay! I am so grateful there are only 13 more days until I will be in the sunshine and holy lands of Rishikesh! I am so grateful I decided to go on another life changing trip. I have created daily and weekly intentions in the form of a checklist, to help me move through this phase of inertia: "a body in motion tends to stay in motion; a body at rest stays at rest".
Another book "came" to me at the right time, reminding me that I still need help with past trauma and current stresses; AKA Living in China. The "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy & Mindfulness Toolbox", written by Richard Sears, reminds me that I am doing the best I can, and a lot of what is going on and has happened is not my fault. This knowledge relieves so much guilt and self-accusation, without removing the responsibility I have to change my life for the better. Unless you have or have had PTSD, GAD, MD, then you cannot possibly understand what it is like to live with the CrazyTrain of Thoughts that stick in your head and make you think you are crazy. Even I forget that many of these manifest due to physical or neurological causes that are waaaay beyond my control. Self-blame leads to self-criticism, etc. etc. It's such a cycle and I forget the tools I have or can't find them for whatever reason. So I am really grateful that this book popped up when I was researching another... I am grateful today that in 4 days the hell that is a Chinese Kindergarten performance will be over. I am hoping to be strong this week, and try not to over react, and take care of myself. I can do Mindfulness Meditations during lunch, and I'm getting a massage after school! I can do this! I am grateful for my home and friends. I am grateful for connections here in Chengdu. I am grateful for sushi pigs at Ito-Yokado that make me laugh. I am grateful for all the kiddos I work with, who are fun and funny. I am grateful for my job, even if it causes so much struggle and stress--it affords me a nice life here in China.
All the students from last year came to say hello. It was wonderful to see them because we bonded so quickly! Today I reviewed my intentions for the year and thought about how I want to structure my coming days and weeks to incorporate more self-care and time to fulfill daily, weekly, monthly intentions. And so, today I will either go to massage with a GF or take a hot bath and go to bed early. I also intend to do some pranayama and meditate before bed. I am about to take a short nap after lunch, since I got so little sleep last night due to Workdread Syndrome. Yeah, I just coined that term. Would it be a Syndrome or a Disorder? Hmmm.... Workdread Syndrome... Workdread Disorder... Anyway, I had this great multi-grain, multi-bean dish from Ito-Yokado for breakfast. A boiled egg for a snack later, and then my delicious lotus root-mung bean Thai curry and "fried" Szechuan rice and seaweed for lunch. I hope to make this new Chinese fungi dish for dinner and cook up some tofu, we will see how I feel. Oh yeah... I also intend to walk/run on the treadmill for 20-30 minutes this evening (unless I get a massage). I have major Workdread, (WDS: I think Workdread Syndrome works best) but I have the capacity, power, and energy to make it a good day anyway! I've discovered another Chinese fungi: a type of tree mushroom called snow fungus. At first I thought it was a sea sponge loofah, then I learned it was for eating! You soak these creme-colored ovals and they expand to triple their size and become snowy white. They feel rather gelatinous. Snow ear is used in soup and has some medicinal applications in TCM. It's good!
A delicious collection of fresh herbal teas from Yunnan; a gift from my good friend Maria, here in Chengdu! I've been more mindful of my food intake the past few months, and how each meal affects my body. The TCM herbs I am taking and other changes I am making increase my awareness and my body's sensitivity to my diet of food and thoughts. I'd like to blame my sleeplessness on the dread of Monday due to feeling despondent about work, but I know part of it was too much chocolate and eating too late. Now it is Monday, and I start the week --well, with a more positive spin--the day, exhausted from lack of sleep. On the bright side, I came up with another short story/chapter idea for my book. I'll hint at this much, the potential title is "Key Lime PIe"! Some of my Intentions for 2019:
Mondays can be hard, so a hot bath at night or a massage and cupping will be nourishing. Tuesdays there is yoga class at the Tibetan space, Charu; join my friend M. for the class Wednesday is music night at the Tibetan bar; start going every now again with M. Thursday is a long day at school, so this would be a good day to walk home and stop at the Buddhist temple, coffee shop, or get a massage if I didn't get one Monday. Hand-dyed journal and cloth bags and tea from Yunnan. This special dyeing technique is particular to the Bai people of Yunnan province. They are one of a multitude of ethnic groups here in China. Apparently, the younger generation of Bais are using different colors than the traditional ones. Gifts from Maria, thank you!
If only the the leadership at school could understand this--but it's not part of the culture. I awoke today and wanted to stay cozy in my heated bed, under a heavy comforter... so I did. I read for a little while and rolled back over to sleep again, trying to avoid thoughts of work and deny or suppress the dread I feel, in the knowledge that tomorrow is Monday. In December, as I reflected on 2018 and set intentions for 2019, I wracked my brain for ways that I could become independent of the need to work for someone else. I'm sick of being forced to stifle my thoughts because they aren't acceptable to put into words, aren't "positive" and "happy" all the time, and stifle my creativity to work as an unthinking drone. I am sick of being told to stop "standing up" and "trying to change things here, because nothing will change". I love teaching, I love China, but my job is mind-numbing, creativity-killing, and my skills diminish by terrifying amounts each day. All the amazing tools I have learned are rejected and unwelcome; without use, they are forgotten. And so, I am becoming a crappy teacher that might as well work in the public system where children are punished for behavior they may not be able to control, and deemed "bad" or "naughty"-- which is exactly the type of school I have landed in. The thought of the teacher I have become (powerless to effect change and prevented from utilizing progressive teaching methods) in this backasswards non-international "international school" makes me despise myself as a teacher and feel even more hostility toward my job. And thus, I awaken with dread, and Sundays are foreshortened by that feeling. During those reflections last month, it came to me what I had to do in 2019: I must commit myself to writing and begin the journey toward publication so that I can support myself through my own endeavors and free myself from the employee-slavery machine... I must become self-employed! Accordingly, this morning, I felt an immense surge of gratitude as I slipped back toward slumber and the theme of my book emerged from the depths of subconscious mind! As one creative thought bloomed into another, my body awakened along with my mind as both gripped tightly onto the thoughts forming ideas forming words forming themes forming chapters forming a work of completed narrative; i.e., my book formed in its entirety! As a consequence of my morning mind machinations, I sussed out a quick outline and began this anecdote of creation and the resulting gratitude. I am grateful that the creativity flows in me, and that I cannot be shushed. Or if I am silenced, it finds a way to escape into pages of expression here or in my writing journals. I am grateful I have skill as a writer. I have entertained romantic thoughts of writing for a living, but deemed that would happen in "retirement" -- whatever that means-- when I had the luxury of time to write for hours each day. Well, it turns out, I must make the time! Now! I am grateful for my creativity. I am beyond grateful for the energy and inspiration it gives me--I can barely sit still as I write I am so full of energy and hope! Creative Expression is one of the cars on my Ferris Wheel of Contentment; I have recognized for many years my need to be free to unleash the creative fire at both work and in my personal life. 我能做到! ...I can do it! Guard dogs carved into marble for protection and good luck.
Two statues in front of a door down a hutong (narrow alleyway) in Beijing, China. I've always been plagued by worries (or caused my own plague of worries!) about the future, This seems to have increased over time, instead of diminished, despite the inner work I do. I believe I have periods of living without fear or worry, but they seem fewer and far between. That said, I am grateful for the awareness that I have future-fear thoughts. The awareness helps me realize I can choose to remain in the fear, or I can turn my thoughts to more positive, action-oriented, calming thoughts. And if I can stay in gratitude, the fear will not become a self-fulfilling prophecy! With this knowledge, I am grateful for my comfy, hygge home, and my medium-satisfaction job. I want to remain settled here for another contract cycle at least, and get a sense of stability and security in my life, save more, travel more, increase my health and well-being. I am grateful for the opportunity, and I am grateful for my home and work that allows me to live in my current manner of comfort. 2019. Seems so weird to type those numbers. I have a lot to be grateful for when I consider 2018. So much happened, it's difficult to keep track of it all. Good and Bad. Ups and Downs. Life. Adventures, Mishaps. Health, illness. Every event is a contrast. I am still learning how to live life; growing, evolving, struggling, succeeding... I am grateful for so much that happened and that I made happen in 2018. I traveled to Paris for the first time, on my way to live in China! I hiked across mountains in the colonized part of Tibet, now known as Western Sichuan. I hiked higher than I have ever hiked before! I hiked longer than I have ever hiked before! Those 4 weeks in the Autonomous Prefectures of Tibet were some of the most amazing adventures of my life! I have made new friends. I am slowly, oh so slowly, learning Mandarin, and some Tibetan! I have a new TCM doc who I find very intuitive and knowledgeable - a perfect match for me. I am bonding with my students. I have a new treadmill. I have intentions set for 2019. I have written goals as well. I want it to be a good year. And so it shall! Christmas in Beijing, 2018. What do I want my days to look like?
I want to awaken feeling refreshed, energized, rested, and positive about the day.
I will move forward into health, security, hygge, connection, creativity, and passe temps! |
iGallivant... needs radical self-care! Getting a start on 2019 early, with a new self-care plan! Archives
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