What Works- Vulnerability Post
It's difficult to maintain any stable habits in this new vagabond life I lead: constant upheavals and change, new environs, and differing routines continually end new habits I create. But I know what works, so it's always back to the drawing board to try again.
What works? Getting up and enjoying a cup or two of tea while reading something positive, life-enhancing, or knowledge-increasing. Writing for a while. Shifting into yoga practice within an hour: asana, pranayama, meditation to fully start my day with vigor and the anticipation that I Can Do It! I start of my I Can Do It! Day with a run or a walk after yoga. And then Doing It! by attaching myself to a desk for hour-long increments, dedicating my focus to writing or producing income online. When I break up these hour slots with 5 minutes of calisthenics and strength training, I become more productive, energized, balanced, and happy--add into that the physical benefits. Sticking to a healthy diet and following the Fast800 regime or IF (Intermittent Fasting) helps me lose weight, feel good about myself and my body, and increases my health. Moving throughout the day, regular exercise including yoga asana, and eating healthy is always the answer! I've been off caffeine for nearly one month now (Wow and Yay!), and I am still daily fighting the urge to soothe my heart with sugar and wine. Sometimes I Can Do It!, sometimes not. But I am still trying. Overeating and drinking is inversely proportional to my daily exercise routine; exercising regularly diminishes those cravings and I just don't drink or binge on sugary foods.
Writing daily increases my confidence in my ability, which spurs me toward publishing. Working online (or spending hours daily trying to gain income) ends the fear of running out of money. It seems my push in life is fear of one thing or another, and now--once again-- it's about money.
I try to stop the depressing cycle of thoughts that overwhelms me now and then. Everyone thinks I have this romantic travel lifestyle, and yet I get stuck again and again in negative thinking spirals that drive me toward depression and black thoughts, followed by overeating and overdrinking, which whips the depression into full gallop, always seemingly impossible to stop. My health is not in good shape; in fact, it matches my bank account and my attitude toward life. It is harder and harder for me to find my bounce-back; the emotional and physical resilience I need to pick myself up after a fall. Many times, I wish I could just stay down. Stay asleep. I get sick of the struggle. And it's always a struggle. The struggle has had no end for over 5 years now. But again, I'm trying to focus on what works, and I'm trying to pick myself up and carry-on. I just wish I could be honest with someone other than my Chromebook keyboard--that I could be completely vulnerable with someone other than this blog. It doesn't seem like anyone really understands what depression does and how neural pathways work, and how it's not always my fault or a lack of trying or a negative attitude. Few understand that sometimes, it's easier to sit on the couch and numb the pain. In fact, sometimes I cannot do anything beyond that because the fear is too big, the thoughts are too overwhelming, and I become truly paralyzed in all aspects. I am alone and lonely as hell and I don't know how to be permanently happy or content.
But what works? Writing gratitude posts, doing yoga, taking action, exercise, eating healthy, frequent movement breaks, breaking out of isolation, and trying to smile again. I'm going to go do some of those I Can Do It! actions right now: a bit of yoga to calm the overwhelm, a walk to get me energized, and some action to bring some income in and reduce the financial fears.
I Can Do It!
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...Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes