(unedited, unproofed, still in progress!)
California. LA. Santa Monica. Beverly Hills. I've moved to Cali. I drive through LA while living in Santa Monica and working in Beverly Hills. Living in this area of So Cali is a unique experience: the population density is massive--as is traffic, even when most of the populace is not on the roads due to the pandemic; the amount of people living on the streets without homes is horrific; and the amount of litter and trash piled up along the highways and roads reminds me of India. All this, as I pass a Lamborghini and an Alfa Romeo passes me. Enough about the cities; I want to talk about me! I've started working as a Private Teacher for a family in Beverly Hills. The assignment has been changing almost daily, and it's only Day 3 of school! In other words, the original job description is no longer useful. In a polite way, I'm trying to say that the original agreement about what the job would like like, and how the teaching was laid out no longer applies. More on that later. The important point is how I am responding to the stress created by an extremely fluid environment, where things are not playing out as they were meant to unfold. My nervous system and emotional resilience have both had the chance to heal, calm, and regrow over the last 9 months that I have been in the U.S.A. I've had the chance to do some deep work during fasting and not only have I had the wherewithall to move deep inside, but I've also began the hard work of learning how to be self-compassionate while being present with painful emotions of fear, loneliness, and sadness. I lost the capability to be kind to myself, be mindful, and manage difficult emotions due to the stressful events of 2015-16 and although I was making my way back to mental health and emotional resilience later, the challenges of living in China knocked me back down in 2018-19. I"ve been making my way back to my "positive, happy self" in 2020 and the events of this week have magnified that progress! There's almost nothing worse than receiving a text message that something is off kilter. Why can't people call or talk face-to-face anymore? It's really hard to bear because it's nearly humanly impossible not to read been the lines to figure out what is the truth behind the sender's few sentences. One of don Miguel Ruiz's "Four Agreements" states: Don't make assumptions. After I received this text--which caused me great upset, stress, and a dizzying amount of fear--I sat on my bed to mentally and emotionally go through my feelings and this situation. What's amazing is that I was able to do that--sit with the fear, remember and use my self-help tools, instead of tumbling into the abyss of fear and the self-destructive actions that follow that enable me to avoid the terror created by the thoughts that begin to tumble in my head. I was able to harken to my self-compassion toolkit to recall the process of RAIN, repeat the Lovingkindness (metta) meditation and visualization, practice Mindful Self-Compassion, and apply The Four Agreements. Utilizing these skills that I have been practicing the past few months, enabled me to pull myself back from the edge of that black hole to act and think in ways that were caring rather than avoiding and hurtful. I am both proud of myself, happy, and relieved, for I realized that whatever happens, I will be okay. I was also able to recognize that there are aspects of this situation that are out of my control. My job is to protect myself--meaning increase my feelings of emotional/physical/financial safety and security in a scary situation, offer myself comfort since I have no one else to help me with that (this happened last night on the West Coast, when all my friends in other time zones were already asleep), and nourish myself in ways that enhance my health and well-being rather than the opposite. I'm doing it! The other important aspect, is that in these type of stressful situations, I am usually berating and blaming myself: feeling less than, feeling disempowered, thinking I've failed and could have done better. This time, that's not the case--which is a huge victory! I know I've worked my ass off and done the best I can with the information I was given. Unfortunately, what I was told to do, and what was wanted from me, were entirely opposite. The big takeaway is that I am not feeling like a failure or that I messed up or that I am to blame in anyway. It's just a lack of communication and clarity; however, that lack may have detrimental consequences to my life and livelihood! Now, I sit here, after I have communicated with the placement agency head and am awaiting her phone call, in a holding pattern. My next question, after asking myself "What can I do to care for myself in this situation?", is what action I should take? I just leased a car for two weeks after spending $360 for a one-way rental to Cali, and I have prepaid $3700 in rent for this spot through mid-February. I also spent $400 on clothes and other items necessary for school and living expenses. The Mindful Self-compassion tools remind me to acknowledge and feel the fear associated with such and outlay of money while not being paid yet, remain present, and care for my emotional, physical, and mental self. My first action will be to go outside and do Qigong in the beautiful Zen garden, then hopefully talk to a friend to decompress and get support, and then figure out the next step. I'm okay. I will survive. I may be looking for another job soon. It will all work out for my highest good.
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