“Apathy and depression are the prices we pay for having settled for and bought into our smallness. It’s what we get for having played the victim and allowed ourselves to be programmed. It’s the price we pay for having bought into negativity. It’s what results from resisting the part of ourselves that is loving, courageous, and great. It results from allowing ourselves to be invalidated by ourselves or others; it is the consequence of holding ourselves in a negative context. In reality, it is only a definition of ourselves that we have unwittingly allowed to happen. The way out is to become more conscious.”
Excerpt From: David R. Hawkins. “Letting Go.”
I'm still struggling from the consequences of the horrific relationship I endured with He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named. I still find myself embittered and angered at him for all the lies he told, along with the verbal abuse, manipulation, and controlling behavior I suffered (allowed myself? trapped? stop blaming myself for other's bad behavior!). I look back and can't imagine how I allowed myself to be treated so poorly, except that I was afraid. My life is in a shambles and I still blame him for it: threatening to throw me out of the house when I was a full-time student and not working, after he had promised on numerous occasions to provide for me if I returned to the US. He knew I would be unemployed and unable to find adequate work until I finished school and my state certifications. Here I am, struggling and stressed and unable to secure good work because I still haven't been able to take the state exams. Yes, I do blame him for the state I am in right now. He beat me down emotionally and spiritually. I am grateful I got out before his violent words and threats turned to physical violence; it was only steps away from him turning physically abusive...
It has been so demeaning and spirit-extinguishing, this struggle I've had since spring to support myself and find work in such a competitive economy, especially without certification. If I had that, getting a good job would be cake. I know I sound like a victim, and yes, I feel like one, which is humbling to admit. It's a stultifying emotion, to feel brought down so low and controlled by another human, to feel utterly powerless. And that's where I am today: he made me feel powerless through manipulation and control and fear, and then I began to give my power away, and now, I can't seem to regain it. No one in my life has ever had such a negative impact on me, for so long, and to such a detriment to me as a woman, physically, emotionally, spiritually, professionally, financially... he negatively impacted every aspect of my life! I wish I could warn the public about T--- L----, especially all women!
I know that someday I will overcome all the consequences of the bad decision I made - the worst decision in my life! - to leave Korea and into a relationship with someone who turned out to be mendacious and abusive. I will look back and know something good came out of that mess, but right now, life is still a mess as I struggle financially and emotionally to get back on track and find security within myself and life. It's been over 6 months since I escaped, but I am still haunted by bad memories and I feel disgusted when I recall his visage or his touch; I feel physically ill when I visualize him--debased even. How I lowered my standards is my fault for sure, and I will never do that again! It feels like 6 months is such a long time to still feel angry and resentful and to despise someone. None of my recent relationships ended like this, but then again, I've never been with a liar before. I know that I will come out okay financially and professionally, despite a long struggle and the trouble he caused by lying to me about so much, and breaking his promises and commitments. What is harder is coming out of the emotional tailspin and recovering from the pain he caused; I feel like it's harder to trust or be open now and that definitely is affecting me. I feel like he sucked the life and spirit out of me, and I cling to the side of a dark abyss, seeking the light that was once me.
How this relates to the quote above, is that I have been in a state of depression for months now; my mood has continued to spiral down and down and down with the continued financial struggle and inability to find a secure job. So adding to the victimization I felt as a result of being in an abusive relationship, my thoughts about security and work and money and worth followed a negative path and it became harder and harder to see positive or be positive. I have fought and fought for my heart not to close off, but feel I have failed. I feel the need to protect myself and insulate myself from others. It's an awful feeling and the opposite of the Light and Love in my nature. I allowed T--- to take my power and invalidate me repeatedly in so many small ways and many larger ways as well. I imbibed that powerlessness and invalidation until it became internalized, and now I am drowning and out of sight of land. Everything looked so bleak and hopeless with him and I've just carried the veil of darkness with me, unable to return to the light.
I don't know what the purpose of him entering my life is supposed to be, but I do wish I had never met him. The time period that began in July of 2014 is 15 months of my life that I regret completely, and meeting him is really the only event in my life I wish I could undo.
Whatever corner you have run too, Mr. Horrible, I hope you are getting therapy and trying to fix your own damaged, black heart so you don't inflict your darkness on anyone else, man or woman. You need a warning label tattooed on your forehead. Yes, I still feel angry; I feel hatred and disgust for you and regret ever meeting you! I do hope I can find forgiveness and compassion for you one day soon, so that I never have to think of you again! I'm ready for this chapter to be over and forgotten.
...Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes