Why do sudden fits of awareness occur upon awakening? I was lying peacefully after snoozing my alarm, waiting for my mind to drift back asleep - in snooze-mode for that extra 8 minutes - when, Poof, Epiphany! Somehow, in that few seconds upon awakening, my mind processed "loneliness" and "relationships" and "the rest of my life" and "seeking" and, finally, "The Now". So much for going back to sleep, my mind was on a rampage to awaken me, in both the physical sense as well as the spiritual. Within 5 seconds I went from a panoramic perspective of my past 4 relationships: their timing, their ending, to the in-between space of being by myself (aka: single), to feeling that familiar and terrible onus of the loneliness of desire for touch and companionship. Silently, I hollered, "WHY??!!". "Why" and "how" could I possibly feel this loneliness and desire for companionship when I only just ended a horrifically traumatic relationship a few weeks back? (Well, I was lonely and lacked loving companionship in that relationship, so there's one answer. But...) At this point, I was awake, although begrudgingly! And terror came on me full tilt, as I began to wonder if I would be seeking for the rest of my life. What if I never find a life companion? What if I wake up every day with no one holding me? What if there is no one to hug in awkward moments of need or abandon or joy? These thoughts gripped me in my room still dark, eyelids too fearful to open. What will life be when I am old and alone?
Suddenly, and with relief, sanity entered my bedroom and my heart, as if it was a physical presence. I relaxed and let go of my irrational fear of 40 years from now. I realized that I was, once again, living in the future, of which I cannot foresee and have little control over! My epiphany was to stay grounded in The Now, and be fully engaged in The Present Moment, for there, I am not alone, or lonely, or seeking, or lacking! In The Present Moment, everything, Every Thing is always okay! In the Present Moment, I sit here typing and drinking a deliciously steamy cup of chai tea and tap-a-tap-tap on my keyboard. Why be worrisome of the future and miss out on The Now. Why worry about being lonely when I'm not lonely now! Why think of a future of seeking when there is nothing to seek, Now?
Yes, the answers come at odd times, and 5AM isn't my favorite, but it's better than Never. And now, it's time for that second cup of chai. Yum!
...Small actions in a dynamic system will trigger vast and unexpected changes