I notice that "awareness" keeps tugging at me. I will have little snippets throughout the day when I recall MBSR. I will then stop for a moment and notice my breathing, try to note the sensations in my body, and how I am feeling. Then I try to sit with it for a few seconds or a minute, until it becomes too painful. When I am still and quiet and move inward to awareness, the pain of my thoughts becomes to great and I have to stop. It's like Godzilla is thrashing through my mind. I find it immensely difficult to be present because of the Negative-thought Godzilla rampaging a whirlwind through my mind. I spent years creating a city within my mind composed of resilience, meditation, emotional openness, open-heartedness, yoga, psychological healing, exercise, ancient wisdom. The grid was filled with exit strategies and coping skills: massage shops, TCM clinics, psychologists' offices, a plethora of ice cream shops and sugar mills that were camouflaged and perfect for hiding out, and gyms to keep me strong and undo the "hiding out" times. With running and cycling paths all over the city (in fact, my city is completely car-free and 100% green with solar and wind power), I always had an outlet for stress and a way to maintain physical well-being. In fact there was an ocean right in the city center so I could lie on the beach with a Bushwhacker or SCUBA dive. Instead of gas stations or convenience stores, there were libraries on every corner with windows stacked full of self-help, spirituality, and yoga books (the stores were slightly dark because of this, but rather cozy because they were lit by candles and other warm ambient light). I had everything covered, or so I thought. Unfortunately, NTGodzilla has been running free for the past few years, I can't seem to catch him or stop him or trap him, and so my city has gradually become crushed ruins, not to mention the heaping piles of negative-thought-shit he has dumped on the streets. They stink! And so it follows that my health, optimism, resilience, ability to stay present, energy-level, communication skills, ad nauseum, are likewise in ruins. Now, blizzards of sugar blow through the streets, creating a temporary calm and quiet withdrawal. These inundations are only broken by tsunamis of wine that wash away any feeling that the blizzards have not numbed. But as with all of life, the numbness is only temporary, just like the joy. But slowly, I will rebuild and come back to what I know. I will continue to try; I haven't given up yet. I hope and pray that the MBSR course will bring me back toward my center and my Self, reigning in NTGodzilla and transforming him to a harmless beast that is observed with compassion, like a Dalmatian pup. Yeah, that would be a much easier companion to watch and control. Then I could have OTSpots (Observed-thoughts Spots) bouncing around my brain, causing less damage and pain. Just have to worry about a little puddle now and then, rather than all-out sacking. As I wrote this post, I was thinking about neuroplasticity and how my coping mechanisms have changed over the years; how ongoing trauma and bouts of depression have changed those abilities -- simply decreasing my resilience to stress and making the falls into darkness quicker and harder. I was wondering if the pathways in my brain had been damaged to an irreversible degree, when the thought of Godzilla rampaging through a city popped up ... what a perfect allegory ... and brilliant, thank you very much!
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Video courtesy Giphy and the Conan O'Brien show
The official GIPHY channel for Team Coco. Watch CONAN weeknights @ 11/10c on TBS Network. #CONAN
Trauma reduces your resilience to stress and hardship.
Previous bouts of depression increase the chances that a person will more easily and quickly fall into depression again. In trauma, anxiety, and depression, your brain gets rewired into a holding pattern in negative experiences and reactions; AKA, neuroplasticity. With all these cards stacked against me, it is no wonder that the daily challenges of living as an expat in China, combined with stress of being a teacher in a dysfunctional school, topped with working with a toxic, bully co-teacher ... leads to me feeling like Conan looks above, starting at 6am and going full throttle 5 days a week. When the weekends come, I just want to curl up on the couch, drink wine, eat ice cream, write, and stay in my apartment. Oh, actually, that desire happens every day at the end of the workday, too! Oh yay! Oh, I forgot to add that I've been living across from a condo construction site since September, and there are no noise-pollution regulations here (and in general, no or poor any-type-of-pollution regulations in China), which means I have been awakened by pole-driving and drilling at 5:45am every morning -- 7 days each week, 365 days per year because they do not halt construction for any holiday or on weekends. And yeah, the noise continues until or after 9pm each night. And yes, I have $300 Bose noise-cancelling headphones, sound-dampening blackout curtains, sleep with earplugs.... blah blah blah and I still am awakened on weekends to the nerve-wracking cacophony of construction. This does not help the noise-sensitivity I developed with PTSD. China is a very difficult couuntry to live in as a foreigner and they keep tightening the noose of restrictions on expats (banking, visas, etc.) each year. That said, the many small benefits outweigh the gross drawbacks, and I'd rather be here than in the US, where one worries about being shot every day and it's hard to make a living. All the challenges are described in my other posts related to living in China: https://www.gallivantinggoddess.com/moving-to-china https://www.gallivantinggoddess.com/aqi-health-safety-etc Why do I stay? Well, I've written twice the amount of posts about why I love it here, in contrast to the amount of posts about why it's extremely difficult! https://www.gallivantinggoddess.com/travel-tibet-and-china Beyond all that, I loved the stressed-out-Conan meme, as it perfectly exemplifies my state of mind a lot of the time. And shows the reason I need the MBSR course! Some of the worksheets and reading referred to during the Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction course. The course is offered free through Palouse Mindfulness. Access videos by clicking "Read More", bottom right. https://palousemindfulness.com/meditations/bodyscan.html https://palousemindfulness.com/docs/seven-myths.pdf Written by Roberta F Lewis for Spirit of Change magazine
© Spirit of Change Magazine source: http://www.ofspirit.com/robertalewis1.htm http://www.mentorschannel.com/LouieSchwartzberg/21DaysofGratitude/Program/8773/
Thank you to the Mentor's Channel for the following: "Day 4: The Body in Balance “To keep the body in good health is a duty…otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.” -Buddha Just as all aspects of nature create a symphony of balance and harmony, when the body is treated as the miracle it is, we can fully immerse ourselves in the wondrous dance of life. I give thanks for and honor the miracle that is my body." Giving thanks for my body? What a crazy thought! Well, it used to be, for me, and for many women in America. I've had a hate-hate relationship with my body. Many of of us raised on "Seventeen"magazine and "Cosmo" were reminded over and over that we were not pretty enough, not thin enough, not enough! And now, the "stripper" look has come into fashion in the last decade, where despite our advances toward equality, we have shoved ourselves back into the spotlight where our cardinal attribute is beauty--we women, and the men that purvey this notion--have moved us back into "things" to be objectified. 4-5 inch stripper heels, enormously fake breasts, plastic surgery and chemicals injected into bodies to keep us looking young and "attractive". It's the barbie doll look all over again. And really, is that attractive? And if so, who says we have to meet that definition? Society, commercials, friends, parents, siblings, movies, porn.... it takes years of inculcation to get a woman to despise her body, or at least, not fully accept how she looks. And those industries of brainwashing have hidden a seed within all this deleterious thinking: if you can get women to focus more on "looks", they will not have time to think about the grander issues of equal pay (we still earn 20% less than men), development of our intellect and skills (more men are in charge of our political system, which increases warfare; more men run the companies that destroy our planet and our economy, etc.), and embracing and nurturing our feminine qualities. (Author's Note: I'm not man-bashing, I love men! However, these are self-evident truths of American Society.) It took years to learn to hate my body, it took years to undo that training. Thank goodness I have. I wish it had come sooner! I wasted much time during my 40 years focused on how I looked and "losing weight". I only started to learn (was taught) that I am more than my body as recently as 2008. Sometimes I still forget, but there is always the glimpse of remembrance behind the falsehoods. I think about all the abuse, both physical and psychological, I have rained upon this gorgeous bod of mine. Yet, it still functions marvelously! My liver is in perfect working order, even after years of imbibing alcohol. I can still run 10-20 miles a week with these knees and feet I've been pounding on since my early 20s. (And by the way, I already see myself running into my 90s, so don't even doubt it for a minute! So if you see yourself hobbling along with a cane, it will happen, and I will be running past you, because that's what I visualize in my future!) I smoked cigarettes every day from age 17 to age 26, sometimes 2-3 packs a day! I quit one day, July 16, 1996 to be exact, and took up running. I knew intuitively that my body had healed itself. I have the strongest lungs around! So if you don't think that my body or yours is a Miracle, well, I know mine is! I'm more in touch with my body when I'm moving it. How many of us sit at a desk and then have to exercise to stay healthy. I've found that since moving to Korea, where I walk everywhere, I'm "feeling" my body more. It's similar to living in Key West, where you walk or ride your bike all over the small 5-7 square mile island. I love all the walking, and of course, my diet is vastly different, so I can feel the changes in my body within the short time of two weeks since I arrived! (Two weeks tomorrow!) I feel great! I'm grateful for my healthy body. Yes, I'm lucky to be disease free and injury free, I know this. And I've worked hard to maintain my healthy body with exercise and balanced nutrition. More importantly, I've learned the value of affirmations: I am in perfect health My body is radiantly healthy How can it perform otherwise! I hope you all learn to love and appreciate your wondrous bodies, miracles of science and life! Some authors/books that have helped me along the this journey to improved body image and self-acceptance and self-love: Byron Katie "Loving What Is", etc. Louise L. Hay "Love your body", etc. Abraham-Hicks "The Law of Attraction", etc. Wayne Dyer (all) Eckhart Tolle "The Power of Now", etc. How do you know if you are following your passion?
Daily Thought -“As I follow my passion, the world becomes a better place.” ~ Thank you Mentor's Channel, for this inspiring session of meditations! The above is from Day 3 of the 21 days of Gratitude! http://www.mentorschannel.com/LouieSchwartzberg/21DaysofGratitude/Login/ My passion is teaching; I truly enjoy imparting wisdom and inspiring growth of consciousness, personal transformation, and the expansion of intellect and knowledge. I feel the most job satisfaction when I am teaching or being creative: writing, pondering, painting, cooking... I am happiest and I thrive when I live in sunshine and can feel the essence of the ocean nearby. I am confident that all good things come to me and that the universe and life is always conspiring toward my happiness. I know this even when I am low. WHAT IS YOUR PASSION??? ARE YOU FOLLOWING IT?? |
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