The Fallacy of Looking Back

I find my mind being hard on my Self instead of going with the flow, accepting where I am, and recognizing that life is flux; this period of time is only temporary and everything will change. I am berating myself for getting to the point where my body has become this out-of-shape, weak, flabby, fat, prone-to-injury, low-energy blob that it is. I continually harken back to times when I was running 10 miles per week, cycling 20+ miles round trip up 4000+ feet of mountains to the climbing wall for several hours of climbing, practicing yoga every day, and doing Bikram a few times---this was all in one week! Pull-ups, push-ups, weight lifting, squats, calisthenics, Insanity with Shawn T, walking all over the town/city, cartwheels, handstands... all of this translates into how I lived my life: energetic and athletic, always active, facing my fears, taking on multiple tasks, living loud and strong, sleeping easy and deep, and everything else that goes with a full life.

I HATE THIS YIN PERIOD IN MY LIFE! I HATE IT!

...and there I go struggling against reality and what it, which inevitably makes me suffer. I identify with all the above, and so being what I am right now is supremely difficult. I feel the opposite of athletic, healthy, energetic, cyclist, runner, climber. I think the world looks at me in disdain for my lack of will and ability to return to my former self. Are people disappointed in me? I feel like I've let so many people down, most likely, because I've let myself down. I'm encumbered by guilt and regret, and it weighs three times as much as the 20 pounds I've gained. Yet 20 lbs. seems like 40 when facing a mirror. Blech! The burden of these negative thoughts is even heavier!

I look back and see the financial prosperity that graced my life: my gorgeous house in the mountains, my cottage in the heart of New Town, my small efficiency overlooking islands in the sea, furniture and books and possessions I enjoyed that filled my home with the sense of "home" and Hygge... and now, here I am, all of that gone. (I left it all, it was not lost.) I should emphasize that I am definitely grateful and lucky for where I live; it has many benefits, but is not my first choice.

As I reminisce, I wonder if I will ever have that lifestyle again: a lifestyle of health, prosperity, and energetic athleticism.

And while I remember that it will all flow back in cyclical time, I still cling to What Was. I acknowledge that No, I can't go back. I can change (and Life will, and I will) so that prosperity and energy will improve and increase once again (and they will, and they are), so the Old Edition of Me will become a New and Improved Edition. Sometimes I am filled with fear that I will never return to that prosperous, athletic person (though I am much more concerned about being healthy and active than being prosperous), that I will remain this listless, flabby thing that just exists and tries to make it through. Sometimes it seems like current conditions will last forever, and THIS is what I have BECOME. UGH! (I am also very conscious of the fact that I am writing this during a week of exceptionally black mood due to period hormone fluctuations and situational work stress; I recognize this influenced my current status toward the Grumposaurus Rex side!)

I express all of this to squeeze it out of me, to exorcise the fear and struggle, so that I may return to knowledge and affirmation that this is only one stage of many, that life will change, that I will change. I keep reminding myself: I will return to that energetic athletic lifestyle, life will become bountiful once again, I will find discipline and will within myself, my fire will burn brightly again, my energy will return, my health IS returning, I will learn how to manage my energy and maintain a sense of groundedness, I am on the upswing of the cycle, I have surfaced from the undertow and am breathing freely and have clambered back on my board, I am riding the tube again, I am surfing up to the crest, everything is getting better, I am doing the best I can right now... right now...I have right now... and everything is always perfect in the Now.

Once again, I will bring myself back to the knowing that this is all temporary and I have the strenght to survive. I showed my self yesterday how I fared under extreme duress. I had to withdraw into myself and pull up deep reserves of self-control. I held my emotions in check so that I could perform well the functions required of me. And I did pretty damn good. Not perfect, but that is never a requirement (even though Ego says it is). I am stronger than I give myself credit for being. I am better than I tell myself I am. I do well even when negative self talk says otherwise. I am even healthier than I want to believe, when I stop comparing Current Me to Former Me.

I'm okay. I'll bounce back. I always have, always will. I will keep that vision of my healthy, energetic, active self. I will keep that image of cozy comfort in my home so that I am filled with a sense of Hygge. I will keep getting up every morning with a plan to exercise, whether I do it or not. I will maintain all the positive thoughts I need to counter the negative ones, so that I stay afloat and rise up the wave. I will lovingly accept where I am in life and allow the rest I need and the comfort I crave. I will find ways to fill my heart with love, to keep my Self and my body Grounded, and to reassure my Mind and my Heart that I am Secure, in the Now. I will remember the cycle, the flow, the Tao, and be part of it. I will lower my Walls and take a chance.

I will love myself, my life, and my body. Right Now. What else is there but Love and Now and the perfection of both?