I am grateful for my friends here in Cdu. I've managed to quickly form the foundations of some great friendships here, and that is only at my school, not to mention from other places in and out of Chengdu! School can be a stressful environment due to cross-cultural priorities and communication styles. But I also recognize my reaction creates more stress than the actual situation. There is a lot of "talk" amongst foreign teachers, which is the metaphorical fuel for fire; our jabber serves to heighten the emotions and intensify the dissatisfaction around an issue. I wish to be a guiding force, not a creator of tensions. In my desire to help create positive change, sometimes I get sidetracked by my need to express my thoughts and feelings. I wish I could keep my mouth shut! But this has been a challenge---all my life!?! Aargh! I'm grateful for the awareness, and that my "new" friends here put up with my spewing mouth. I need to breathe instead of react. And above all, remember to "not make assumptions" and " not take things personally". For the awareness, I am grateful. For the friendships, I am grateful. For this school and the benefits it provides, I am grateful. I have a really good life here: my overall quality of life has improved to the nth degree! Life is better in so many areas for me: housing, financial, travel, health, surroundings, social, feeling secure, freedom, creativity, Hygge, professional... the list goes on! I am grateful!! I will focus on awareness, not taking anything personally, not making assumptions, and being a leader instead of nuclear reactor! I am grateful!!
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Sometimes I get so caught up in the minutiae of daily challenges, or all the minutiae of daily challenges accrete to the point of becoming a giant wave about to engulf me, that I forget to be grateful to the people that help me wade through the small pre-tsunami ripples and pull me out and above the tsunami of negative thoughts and worries.
I am grateful for the new friends I have here in Chengdu, Yushu, QongCheng (sp?), Xinan, Ganzi, Kangding, Lhagong... OMG do I have that many friends in 5 months!??? Wow! How! Wow! Yay! I am grateful for all the people that have helped me through the struggles of maneuvering through a country in which I have yet to learn a significant amount of language and culture! Even when I have an impatience tantrum, or a miscommunication tantrum--in the end, I receive the help I need. To clarify, I only have tantrums in the company of my friends--to vent the pressure build up! And my private explosions are good lessons to work on patience, presence, and understanding. Most of all, I need to remember presence, compassion for self and others, and patience! "We are all doing the best we can!" Thank you to my Asst. Principal who works tirelessly for me and and the other Overseas Teachers. She has been doing the job of three people for months now. When another would have just blown off my hopes for a new apartment, she kept at it and secured the home I wanted instead of telling me to settle for less! Thank you! More, but I gotta work now... and do my best to remember gratitude! I am blessed and lucky! Two good quote I received today:
"Don't chase what breaks your heart. Pursue what ignites your soul." Me (post of a photo cropping out someone in particular, whom I miss): "what's missing? Wise Friend: "Here in this moment...'How can anything be missing now?'" Thank you friends, here and far away who remind me of life's ebb and flows, to be grateful for the experiences I received, and to turn from what I think is missing, to what I want! Look at my smile... nothing is missing!!! I can focus on my loneliness or I can focus on joy and all that I have! I am grateful to be in China; overall, I really like it here! There are ups and downs as usual—but more ups than downs. I am impressed with the open-mindedness and initiative-taking of the leadership in our school.. There is also a strong desire among the teachers to make positive changes among the overseas staff and within the curriculum. I get along with all of my coworkers, and like them on a personal level, which is huge. I am grateful for the friendships I have formed here.
Soon, I will enjoy a 4 week vacation, and am also looking for a new apartment—with a bathtub! Heaven! I will get to spend another few weeks in Tibet Autonomous areas of western Sichuan during my vaca; anywhere from 2-3 weeks depending on moving, money, etc. I also need to gear up - literally - and get hiking pants and other accroutrements to make my days of trekking safer and comfortable (“safety” as in get a first aid kit; there are no concerns about humans or wildlife endangering me here). I have great co-teachers and great kids, and although vastly different from my experiences in Korean and US schools, my time at school is good overall. In fact, when I think on it, everything except air pollution and my energy/motivation levels are good here! I am grateful for my life—overall!! I am grateful for the friends I have made here in Chengdu. We are a small group at school, but with some lovely and varied personalities. I feel lucky to have made friends, and some I’d call long-term friends, rather than just acquaintances to maintain while I am here in China.
I am grateful to be in China; despite frequent cultural and technological challenges, I like it here. I especially like heading for the mountains each month and am even more grateful I get to do that! In fact, I am planning a trip into the Tibetan mountains again, during our summer break: Kham and possibly Amdo! I am grateful for my teaching post; again, with its challenges and rewards, the rewards are greater. Life is good, and I am grateful! Once again, I am grateful for my time in Kangding, where I can do a lot or a little, where I can sit and write for hours, or get up annd go hiking, where I can stop for a cappuccino in the middle of the day because I feel like it, and ... equal to the mountains, clean air, and monastery is the gratitude I feel for my mind unraveling so that I can move deeper into introspection and self-realization. I so enjoy my time in Kangding, and I want to return again and again and again!
After a weekend of travel, I feel really, really, really grateful. I am grateful that I get to travel; that i have the financial abundance to do so. I am grateful for the sunny skies that that shone on new experiences. I am grateful for not slipping on the centuries-old uneven steps of granite rock that make the criss-crossed streets when the rain came down. I am grateful that my interest always deepens beyond shops and tourist sites; I want to delve into the culture and history of each location in China I visit. I am grateful to see and experience new food, new handicrafts, and the unique tribes of China (which are now known as “ethnic minorities”, kind of like our Native Americans: many different tribes and peoples from all over the continent, but classed by the dominant population of whites as “natives”). I am grateful for my school and what a great teaching post I have. I am grateful fro my co-teachers and how hard they work and how much they help me. I am grateful we work together so well. I am grateful for my sweet kids and I am especially grateful for all the love and hugs I get from them. I am grateful for self-awareness and the desire to be a more patient, compassionate educator. I am grateful for my friends here in CdU, and I am grateful those that are not my friends, for they reflect how I need to be different. I am grateful for all the help I have received from all the different people here; from strangers to acquaintances to friends. I am grateful for my health and the resilience of my body, even though I am not treating it so good lately. I am grateful my stress level has diminished so much. I am grateful that I recognize that the circumstances that stress me out now can be fixed or not controlled. I am grateful to realize I need to work on patience. I am grateful that I am doing the best I can!
My friend’s Dad had to have a emergency bypass surgery, after losing her Mom 3 years ago. Her Dad is okay, but in thinking about circumstances, she used the word “orphan”... a big trigger word for me, because I have felt the intensity of that word since my Dad died in March. Gratitude... where is the gratitude in this? I am grateful for the family I have left that shows me care and love, even from afar. I seem to have daily gripes and frustrations; small incidents with bigger impacts. But then I come back to gratitude and realize that despite all the challenges and frustrations I experience in China, overall, I have it pretty damn good and I am damn lucky... certainly more prosperous and an easier work environment.
For instance, I can now afford a cleaning service, and when I return from each of my mini-vacations (I’m about to embark on my third in 12 weeks), my house is sparkly clean and fresh. It is wonderful to come home to a clean house that I did not clean ;-)) Then, there are the vacations: I can pretty much afford to travel each month —albeit, short, weekend trips— while saving money. I was definitely not able to do this before. Due to the holiday schedule, it seems we have had one Friday off each month, for the past three months. Hence, my third vaca and possibly a fourth next weekend, since I recently learned we have next Friday off for Children’s Day Holiday. Many times in the past few months I have thought that I now lead a life of luxury. I mean, there’s so much I can do and have now, and that is not even the original intent of my post: I have gotten way off track. But all of this is important to remember. I had a bottle of wine delivered the other day for the grand delivery fee of 5yuan ($.80 cents, yes, cents). A delicious dinner of steaming Japanese soup or sushi arrives for 43yuan ($7, including delivery). My entire house cleaned for 160-240yuan ($25-38 for 2 to 3 hours of work) and she folds my clothes and organizes my “piles” of paper and random stuff. Car service to and from work, 4x daily is less than $6US. And I am receiving 10 private Mandarin tutoring lessons for $200US total. That’s just a start, I think. But back to the original story of “What is Easy”. I stress myself out about school because I am used to having to kill myself and overwork. Now I have 2 co-teachers, a teaching assistant, and an “Ayi” who cleans the classroom and prepares the children’s food. This is for 24 students. My work day ends at 4:30 and I have a 2 1/2 hour lunch break. Yes, a 180 minutes for lunch... that single aspect is a huge plus! I don’t always know what is going on because of language translations, and one of my co-teachers just tells me to relax , that if I’m supposed to know or do something, I will get the info at some point! Two days a week, I don’t have to be at school until 8:30. The other three I go in at 8am. We have this weird clause in our contract that includes an additional hour-and-a-half of classroom time during the week, but we can set that time up anyway we wish. Some stay late for an hour, working until 5:30, some come in early or spread it out before and after school. I chose to come in 30 minutes early on 3 days. My work week is tremendously short when considering my time spent at school: I arrive 7:50-8:30am, leave at 12noon for lunch, return at 2:30pm, and then depart at 4:30. Essentially, my work day is 5 1/2 hours long, plus the 1.5 extra per week! AND planning is incorporated into my work day! When I return from lunch at 2:30pm, I have until 3:10 for prep time. We also have several times during the work to plan together as a class, and an additional 2 hours on Thursdays for whole grade planning. Consequently, I have to work at night or on the weekends infrequently—which is a change and one welcomed at that!! There is more, but it’s time for school! I was gazing around my living room last night... feeling grumpy. I still seem to get in these funks and can’t get out. It drives me crazy that I don’t know why I get overwhelmed and feel like the world is going to end when I am beset by multiple challenges, setbacks, frustrations, etc. It’s like I can remain positive and hopeful until too much happens at once, and then my tolerance level plummets and I just can’t remain positive... then comes the spiral. Is it hormonal? Is it brain chemistry? Is it attitude? Can I control it? Is it out of my control? I have no idea. I know some of the things I NEED to do in the self-care realm that would lift my mood, I am NOT doing. The fatigue feels like a vicious cycle and the actions I take to combat it (caffeine, sugar, caffeine, wine, caffeine) make it worse. I am in that same funk I was in before I moved and yet here I am, in China! Argh! But that was a reminder, that one thought: I am in China! So I looked around, and tried to think beyond the constant struggles I am having here with wifi and AC and language and food and etc. etc.
I am grateful for this lovely home I have with all its amenities. It’s beautiful and convenient and huge. Have everything I need and I am quite spoiled; my income is extravagant for what I need to live on. I get a car service to and from work, I can eat out when I wish to and order in when I want. I have enough disposable income to take monthly vacations, buy “stuff”, all the while saving money. I have more than I need. I can get massages and pedicures and all the luxuries I could not afford in the USA. I have a cush teaching job that doesn’t work me to the bone. I have co-teachers I really like and and a great suppport staff at school, both among the local staff and overseas teachers. I have made friends and I work with some really good people. I have experienced so much help here in China; it has been a unique experience. I never felt this “helped” in other countries, let alone the USA. I may have multiple struggles and frustrations that drag me down all at once. I may not becoming what I need to do to feel at my best, and I may get into funks now and again... but I am grateful for where I am, the job I have, my home, China, many people, and the fact that I have these small struggles here rather than in the USA. I hope I can remember all this, and that these struggles —while not easy—are easier here than the ones I dealt with in the USA. :-) I am grateful!!! |
Gina is......grateful for the past and the future! Archives
November 2018
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