Days and weeks like these of recent times are when it is imperative for me to recall reasons for gratitude to my heart and mind. The classroom is a daily struggle with the new co-teacher who frequently negates my ideas and a class full of 26 children who do not comprehend or communicate in English (supposedly an International school but has turned into an ESL school) I feel powerless. Construction occurs startingat 5:30am across the street from my building--constant clanging and banging and smashing is smashing my nervous system and sense of peace and the idea that my home is a refuge. The majority of my day is spent feeling down, uninspired, and frustrated in the classroom, and it is followed by overwhelming noise until after 9pm. I fell last week on the slippery, unsafe streets of Chengdu, and now have the burden of injury to add to the emotional and mental burdens I carry. I feel the downward spiral of depression approaching. Once again, I am not using my tools.
However, I am grateful. I am grateful for awareness that I have slipped and am tunneling down the dark spiral. I am grateful I know what to do about it. I am grateful for my beautiful new apartment with its divine bathtub. I'm grateful for friends who care. I am grateful one of my co-teachers is helping smooth things over. I am grateful for my financial prosperity. I need to find inspiration and creativity in the classroom once again.
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I am grateful for my wonderful friends here in Chengdu; I am really lucky to have made so many good friends in such a short time.
I am grateful for my new apartment; I really love it. There are some drawbacks (less accessible storage space in kitchen and noisy construction across the street), but for those, there are solutions! I spent yesterday researching noise reduction applications while listening to background white noise loops (rain, wind, ocean waves, and the like) with earplugs in most of the day. They don't have construction noise regulations here, thus the noise wakens me around 5:30am each morning, and doesn't stop until after 9pm. There's no avoiding it, but there are solutions! The largest noise leak is from the windows, so I will invest in heavy duty noise-reduction blackout curtains. During my research, I learned ways to muffle sound in my extremely loud apartment. It's loud because I have marble and wood floors and bare walls, promoting sound. Most of yesterday I spent online shopping for rugs and wall tapestry and other sound-reduction items. Along with those, I might by a white noise machine. The pros of my apartment still outweigh the cons, and I really love it! I am also enjoying the UC Berkeley course and am so happy to have discovered it through email! I am grateful! I have begun another UC Berkeley Greater Good Science Center Course: The Foundations of Happiness at Work. I am uber-excited about it! This aligns with my vacation kickstart of increased exercise and overall well-being practices that have been neglected since my move to China 6 months ago! In fact, my six-month anniversary as a resident of China was September 4! Wheee! 祝贺,吉娜! (Congratulations, Gina!) This course will involve much self-inquiry (which I enjoy), as well as reading (which I love), and is based on scientific research and empirical evidence (which I respect).
What I have noticed since I returned to Chengdu from my month-long exploration of the formerly-known-as- Kham-area of Tibet (colonized by PRC and now known as Western Sichuan), is that my stress levels are sky high due to both work stress and personal life events. My energy and desire to exercise has waned, my patience deteriorated, and my feelings of exasperation and frustration at work scenarios have exploded beyond manageable limits. In other words, I am really, really. really, unhappy with the work situation. But during all of this, I have been able to recognize that my reaction to the BS at work is causing the majority of my unhappiness. And my inability to control my reaction is a direct result of decreased exercise, asana, and meditation. I am tuning out with old habits instead of reducing my stress with my healthy tool kit. However, throughout the last few weeks, I have been aware of my stressful thoughts, feelings, and resultant actions. I am trying to practice a bit of self-compassion, when I can remember to do so! A lot has happened with the new school year and relocating to a new apartment. Half the stress has been caused by the move-- the other half by work conflict, drama, and other work-related happenings. I also realize that all of this is temporary, as I get settled in my new home, learn new collaboration techniques that work with new co-teachers, and work on my Self and my well-being. This course will help me return to my center of balance and well-being, as well as bring useful tools to work for myself and my co-teachers. Yay! I have already started writing daily gratitude posts again, and this one action has helped immensely. I am looking forward to bringing more self-awareness to work (all day!), along with self-compassion, compassion to students and co-workers, and positive change--the biggest positive change being in my attitude, perceptions, and resilience! Today, I am grateful for my new apartment "...42 steps from the street... this is where we used to live... " It seems like I live in luxury now... or again. All I want to do is reorganize and redecorate and get new furniture. I am in a home I can make hygge and have dinner parties...again! I envision dinner parties and girls' nights! Romantic evenings at home... in the marble bath! I see the Chinese tea cabinet and Tibetan furniture. I am creating walls of nature items: bamboo and plants and seeds and pods and flowers. I feel secure and settled here. I want to stay! I am creating a home, and it feels so good! Every time the word "apartment" comes up, the old song by Barenaked Ladies pops into my head, "The Old Apartment". A friend sent it to me during my recent move, and it carries my mind right back to Buffalo, NY, circa 2000: apartments and break ups and get-back-togethers, along with struggles and joys. Struggles and joys, 2018 hasn't changed much from 2000 in that regard. While I have struggles -- many -- the overwhelming thought is gratitude. I do have a good life here in Chengdu, and I am very, very grateful! Is the job ideal? No. Is the city perfect? No. But my quality of life, including my job, new apartment, location, security, freedom, friends, increased prosperity, and access to transportation, healthcare, food, travel, and mountains, has increased so much that it overshadows the inconveniences, the language and culture challenges, the hassles of living in a foreign country. I am very, very grateful! #3 Anything is possibly in China. #4 Nothing is easy in China. So while everything takes me 3-5x as long to accomplish as it would in the US, or even another country, it gets accomplished. I have friends to help me, a "Cultural Liaison" at school, a pretty cush job that provides me with abundant funds, my new apartment is stellar in so many ways, and so much more. Each time I sit down and think about all that I have, and compare it to life in Austin, I am so, so, so grateful I can hardly bear it. I truly feel wealthy here. I have a lifestyle that affords me little extras I never even considered in Austin. My working hours are pleasant and I work with people I truly like. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am grateful. I still need to consistently bring to mind that life is cyclical. Here, it is cyclical on an hourly basis. I still need to sustain my meditation and yoga practice, remember The Four Agreements --especially at work-- and work on patience and compassion in the classroom. Actually, I need to remember patience and compassion for myself first! Life is great! I am grateful! |
Gina is......grateful for the past and the future! Archives
November 2018
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