After a weekend of travel, I feel really, really, really grateful. I am grateful that I get to travel; that i have the financial abundance to do so. I am grateful for the sunny skies that that shone on new experiences. I am grateful for not slipping on the centuries-old uneven steps of granite rock that make the criss-crossed streets when the rain came down. I am grateful that my interest always deepens beyond shops and tourist sites; I want to delve into the culture and history of each location in China I visit. I am grateful to see and experience new food, new handicrafts, and the unique tribes of China (which are now known as “ethnic minorities”, kind of like our Native Americans: many different tribes and peoples from all over the continent, but classed by the dominant population of whites as “natives”). I am grateful for my school and what a great teaching post I have. I am grateful fro my co-teachers and how hard they work and how much they help me. I am grateful we work together so well. I am grateful for my sweet kids and I am especially grateful for all the love and hugs I get from them. I am grateful for self-awareness and the desire to be a more patient, compassionate educator. I am grateful for my friends here in CdU, and I am grateful those that are not my friends, for they reflect how I need to be different. I am grateful for all the help I have received from all the different people here; from strangers to acquaintances to friends. I am grateful for my health and the resilience of my body, even though I am not treating it so good lately. I am grateful my stress level has diminished so much. I am grateful that I recognize that the circumstances that stress me out now can be fixed or not controlled. I am grateful to realize I need to work on patience. I am grateful that I am doing the best I can!
My friend’s Dad had to have a emergency bypass surgery, after losing her Mom 3 years ago. Her Dad is okay, but in thinking about circumstances, she used the word “orphan”... a big trigger word for me, because I have felt the intensity of that word since my Dad died in March. Gratitude... where is the gratitude in this? I am grateful for the family I have left that shows me care and love, even from afar.
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I seem to have daily gripes and frustrations; small incidents with bigger impacts. But then I come back to gratitude and realize that despite all the challenges and frustrations I experience in China, overall, I have it pretty damn good and I am damn lucky... certainly more prosperous and an easier work environment.
For instance, I can now afford a cleaning service, and when I return from each of my mini-vacations (I’m about to embark on my third in 12 weeks), my house is sparkly clean and fresh. It is wonderful to come home to a clean house that I did not clean ;-)) Then, there are the vacations: I can pretty much afford to travel each month —albeit, short, weekend trips— while saving money. I was definitely not able to do this before. Due to the holiday schedule, it seems we have had one Friday off each month, for the past three months. Hence, my third vaca and possibly a fourth next weekend, since I recently learned we have next Friday off for Children’s Day Holiday. Many times in the past few months I have thought that I now lead a life of luxury. I mean, there’s so much I can do and have now, and that is not even the original intent of my post: I have gotten way off track. But all of this is important to remember. I had a bottle of wine delivered the other day for the grand delivery fee of 5yuan ($.80 cents, yes, cents). A delicious dinner of steaming Japanese soup or sushi arrives for 43yuan ($7, including delivery). My entire house cleaned for 160-240yuan ($25-38 for 2 to 3 hours of work) and she folds my clothes and organizes my “piles” of paper and random stuff. Car service to and from work, 4x daily is less than $6US. And I am receiving 10 private Mandarin tutoring lessons for $200US total. That’s just a start, I think. But back to the original story of “What is Easy”. I stress myself out about school because I am used to having to kill myself and overwork. Now I have 2 co-teachers, a teaching assistant, and an “Ayi” who cleans the classroom and prepares the children’s food. This is for 24 students. My work day ends at 4:30 and I have a 2 1/2 hour lunch break. Yes, a 180 minutes for lunch... that single aspect is a huge plus! I don’t always know what is going on because of language translations, and one of my co-teachers just tells me to relax , that if I’m supposed to know or do something, I will get the info at some point! Two days a week, I don’t have to be at school until 8:30. The other three I go in at 8am. We have this weird clause in our contract that includes an additional hour-and-a-half of classroom time during the week, but we can set that time up anyway we wish. Some stay late for an hour, working until 5:30, some come in early or spread it out before and after school. I chose to come in 30 minutes early on 3 days. My work week is tremendously short when considering my time spent at school: I arrive 7:50-8:30am, leave at 12noon for lunch, return at 2:30pm, and then depart at 4:30. Essentially, my work day is 5 1/2 hours long, plus the 1.5 extra per week! AND planning is incorporated into my work day! When I return from lunch at 2:30pm, I have until 3:10 for prep time. We also have several times during the work to plan together as a class, and an additional 2 hours on Thursdays for whole grade planning. Consequently, I have to work at night or on the weekends infrequently—which is a change and one welcomed at that!! There is more, but it’s time for school! I was gazing around my living room last night... feeling grumpy. I still seem to get in these funks and can’t get out. It drives me crazy that I don’t know why I get overwhelmed and feel like the world is going to end when I am beset by multiple challenges, setbacks, frustrations, etc. It’s like I can remain positive and hopeful until too much happens at once, and then my tolerance level plummets and I just can’t remain positive... then comes the spiral. Is it hormonal? Is it brain chemistry? Is it attitude? Can I control it? Is it out of my control? I have no idea. I know some of the things I NEED to do in the self-care realm that would lift my mood, I am NOT doing. The fatigue feels like a vicious cycle and the actions I take to combat it (caffeine, sugar, caffeine, wine, caffeine) make it worse. I am in that same funk I was in before I moved and yet here I am, in China! Argh! But that was a reminder, that one thought: I am in China! So I looked around, and tried to think beyond the constant struggles I am having here with wifi and AC and language and food and etc. etc.
I am grateful for this lovely home I have with all its amenities. It’s beautiful and convenient and huge. Have everything I need and I am quite spoiled; my income is extravagant for what I need to live on. I get a car service to and from work, I can eat out when I wish to and order in when I want. I have enough disposable income to take monthly vacations, buy “stuff”, all the while saving money. I have more than I need. I can get massages and pedicures and all the luxuries I could not afford in the USA. I have a cush teaching job that doesn’t work me to the bone. I have co-teachers I really like and and a great suppport staff at school, both among the local staff and overseas teachers. I have made friends and I work with some really good people. I have experienced so much help here in China; it has been a unique experience. I never felt this “helped” in other countries, let alone the USA. I may have multiple struggles and frustrations that drag me down all at once. I may not becoming what I need to do to feel at my best, and I may get into funks now and again... but I am grateful for where I am, the job I have, my home, China, many people, and the fact that I have these small struggles here rather than in the USA. I hope I can remember all this, and that these struggles —while not easy—are easier here than the ones I dealt with in the USA. :-) I am grateful!!! I am grateful for new friends and old. I’m grateful for my new school and old. I am grateful that my former school set me up to succeed at this one—giving me many tools and much useful knowledge and experience. I am grateful for new coworkers that have become my friends. I am grateful I get to create a classroom environment built on positivity. I am grateful for the staff support I have at school. I am grateful for the many aspects of life in China that are inexpensive and easy. I am grateful to have support from friends through the struggles of adjusting to a new culture. I am grateful to work with co-teachers that are open-minded and willing to learn and change and grow. I feel grateful!
I am out of the habit, and I need to get back in! I want to somehow reorganize my AM schedule so that I am back in the habit of posting my daily gratitude feelings. I have gotten out of the habit and I need to bring it back; that and many more! I am on week 10 in China and I have “survived” much and succeeded equally. Yesterday, me and my co-teachers were doing lesson planning at school, and I was reminded of how stressed I felt—on a daily basis— at my former school. I always felt I wasn’t “doing enough” or that my lessons weren’t “good enough”. That, mixed with the (partially) toxic work environment made for a feeling of dread that filled me mmost mornings. But putting those aside, we didn’t have much support in class, and so we had to do everything. As I was considering all that, I felt really grateful for all the support I get in my current school. The burden of every single detail for managing and planning and creating a viable classroom is shared between several teachers. I am not solely responsible for creating and implementing the unit lesson plan, decorating the classroom, or managing behavior. I felt relief and gratitude when I thought about planning for the next unit. I am also grateful for the creativity that flows out of that knowledge. When my find is free from stress, I am definitely more creative, and the lessons are then more creative! I am also grateful for the friends I have made here in Chengdu! I’ve only been here a short while, yet I feel cared for sincerely by a few people; a path has been started for some authentic friendships. When I feel lonely, I have GFs to call upon! This is especially important because I feel really cut off from family right now, due to recent circumstances. But then again, that brings more gratitude, because while I am cut off from some, others are making up for it by reaching out to me more often. I am grateful for my family in FTW that consistently express their love for me. It means a lot! I am grateful for prosperity and the many things that are easier in China. I am definitely grateful for the many things that are less expensive in China! And I hope I never forget to be grateful for all the times I have been helped out here, by local people. I am so grateful for all the help I have received from all the Chinese people who have been kind and gone out of their way to help me when I was on the verge of meltdown tears. I feel grateful and it is a good feeling. I want it every day!! |
Gina is......grateful for the past and the future! Archives
November 2018
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