At the End of the Waiting Line
This number surprised the heck out of me!!! That's almost 2000 people looking at my blog! That is nearly double the amount that it was a few months ago! Yay! Thank you for reading my blog! I'd love to read your comments! But why do I only have 127 IG followers? It moves between 125-129 and won't go higher? I'll have to figure that out!
It's Thursday, and I continue my battles with self-doubt, determination, fear, excitement, second-guessing, postponement, and weather. Why am I fighting the beginning of this journey so much. I was just about ready to go yesterday, but managed to procrastinate myself to death. I was so sick to my stomach the night before with anxiety, I cancelled my start. Again. Last night, I spent second-guessing myself to death.
I have too much crap, and yet I've minimized so many times, there's nothing left to dump expect food and tent. A bad idea. I have packed and unpacked and re-packed almost every day in the week I've been NOT enjoying Dali. One of the causes for doubt is that I have NOT enjoyed much at all during the first few weeks I've my vacation. Week One was spent back and forth to the Chinese Visa Center. And since then, I've been obsessed with trying to reduce my anxiety and packing and re-packing. Not fun at all. This morning, I FINALLY sent the rest of my stuff forward to Lijiang--what remains is the necessities with which I will hike the next 5 days. I managed to procrastinate my Phase I down to 5 days, from 13. My mind is full of castigation, my gut churns with anxiety, and my heart feels a complete lack of thrill and anticipation for any of this. Self-doubt LOVES self-critiicism, and they gang up on me and soon I am questioning this entire trekking trip, my ability to find writing work, the opportunities availalbe for housesits... and I am left wondering WTF am I doing and why?
I really need some encouragement. I need someone to grab me and shake me and remind me who I am and of what I am capable. But my two companions, Doubt and Self-Criticism, are the only ones available. I suppose if no one is here to shout at me that I CAN DO THIS, I must scream into my own mind to step out of the Waiting Line, cut in front, and Begin.
Gina, you CAN DO THIS!
What's the absolute worst that is going to happen?
Well, it's monsoon season and it's constantly raining.
Then hike a few hours, pop the tent, and wait it out.
I'm getting a late start and won't make it over the range before dark.
So, what. It's only 8 miles. Pop the tent and start tomorrow.
I'm afraid it will be really hard to carry my pack the first few weeks.
You will build your strength and endurance--isn't that part of the reason you are doing all this in the first place? To regain your physical strength, endurance, and knock off some pounds?
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